To have told him he can't buy it?

[peachpearplums]

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

Id tell him if he wants a PC he has to work the overtime to get it, Personally i do let my husband get whatever he wants, as he does to me as long as we have money to pay our bills. But our finances are joint completely.

What on earth do you see in him. He sounds like a lazy immature cock lodger. He's happy to live off your hard work and not contribute when he could do. I'd bin him off and raise your bar.

Usually they are married and/or there are children which need looking after

That is quite different from this situation with two unmarried adults, both equally capable of working FT

if he has the capacity to earn more but chooses not to then i don't think it's unreasonable to not want him to spend what money he has on luxury items, when you are having to 'sub' the additional expenditure. I think i'd probably sit down with the monthly bills etc and the percentage money you both contribute and clearly show him how much extra you are having to add in. maybe suggest that by him adding an additional amount each month by extra work that it means he can buy the extras he wants without you compensating

But yes, he is a gamer.

And he doesn’t work anything like full time. Quelle surprise.

Put him in the bin.

What reason does he give for not working full time, OP?

So you over pay a lot and he pays you back each time?

He's playing you for a mug OP.

I also don't understand why you are paying more. It's not like he's sacrificed his earning potential in order to raise your joint children! He's just a lazy fucker.
I'd buy him out of the house or sell it. He'd be fucked not having his mortgage payment put aside each month, if you weren't bailing him out!

Sponger
Cocklodger
Freeloader
Chancer
(Other nouns are available)

Financially abusive wanker is the term I would prefer to see used. All these 'cute' terms hide what he really is.

Essentially, by choosing not to pay a fair contribution, he is forcing the OP to pay more and more for him without having any choice in it themselves as the bills do still need to be paid. Refusing to contribute appropriately and forcing the responsibility onto the other person IS financial abuse.

"He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently."

His sense of entitlement is pretty massive, isn't it? He feels entitled to work less, earn less, have more time to game, spend money that should be meeting his joint bills on unnecessary tech for his gaming pleasure - because, pfft! peachpearplums can just pay for my living expenses, I wanna ppplllaaayyy!

Time for a serious talk. He either pulls his weight or fucks off. The house either gets sold, or you buy him out.

"But his contribution only cover half the mortgage, let alone the food bill, council tax, gas, electric and water etc."
No, you're looking at this wrong. His contribution amounts to less than half of all joint expenses - he eats, doesn't he? His living expenses do not start and finish with the mortgage. Do not consider that he has paid his half of the mortgage, because he absolutely hasn't! The amount might coincidentally equal half of the mortgage payment, but his contribution hasn't covered all his expenses, so his contribution spreads itself over them all.

Keep this in mind should you decide to buy him out (or sell and split the proceeds) and calculate how much he has actually paid and how much you have paid to the mortgage. Otherwise, I suspect his sense of entitlement will extend over any equity on the sale, and want more than his contributions actually merit.

Agreed. However, the OP said "His earnings are inconsistent, so it's really hard to pin down how much he actually earns." This (deliberately?) makes it very difficult to calculate a fair split.

He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently.

His earnings are inconsistent, so it's really hard to pin down how much he actually earns.

I would find this such a turn off. I was going to say you need to sit down with him and his last twelve months of bank statements and pin down exactly what his earnings have been, but honestly, fuck that. It's just so unattractive having to be in Mum Mode for someone who's supposed to be your partner.

It will do zero for your self esteem over time, as the resentment will just build and build. If you have kids with him, not sure if you're planning to, you'll feel like burying him under the patio.

the fact that his earnings have slowly and quietly slid since he met you and you've been keeping the show on the road tells you what he thinks the situation is.

You can do much much better than this.

Time to have a serious word with him. I’d point out exactly what you’ve said - that you’ve noticed that his work has reduced quietly now he’s living with you. He has to address this and up his contribution if he’s got ££ to splash.

He should be working more to earn more. End of. He’s at peak earning age so if his freelance work isn’t working out time for a better job

1. you insist he works the same number of hours as you.
2. you share the household drudge, all of it, house, garden, admin.
3. you pay proportionately based on income.
4. does he still have enough for his fancy gaming toy?

He’s on a good thing isn’t he. He gets half a house that he has paid and continues to pay very little for!
OP do you have mug written on your forehead?

1. He's a lazy scrounger.

1. Bin him.

Gamer = immature prat.

You're right, but the OP can reduce her contribution to the joint pot if her OH has decided that he can't contribute more money, yet can afford to pay out for a completely unnecessary, frivolous purchase.......

Tell him if he wants a .ew computer to get off his arse and find full time work. Then not only can he afford the computer but he would be able to afford his half of all the bills. Hope your only purchasing household essentials out the shopping budget as any extras like for example his deodorant, beer etc should be out his own pocket.

@peachpearplums Look, lady, I don't even know you. But from about line 7 of your OP, I was convinced you could do better.

There is no way that I would allow a man to sit on his arse gaming rather than working. He is not contributing fairly. Tell him to up his contribution to household expenses or leave. How on earth can you find him attractive?
I cannot believe what some women on here put up with.

This manchild is totally taking advantage of you.