Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

🙄*I didn’t think it was a formal dinner, I meant it’s quite intense to go out for dinner with the whole family to meet someone your 17 year old daughter has been dating for a few weeks. She’ll likely have loads of boyfriends that last a few months.

I’d just meet him at your house and tell your daughter to chill.*

I agree. I've got a seventeen year old and a twenty year old. I'd be disconcerted if there was a formal introduction meal. However informal the food.

Why can't you meet in a more natural way?

You should definitely pay. If budget is too tight scale back what you are doing or invite them to yours and cook instead

You absolutely pay for him. It really is that simple.

If you can't afford it, you should have rebuffed your daughter's suggestion andd went for a coffee instead.

This has disaster written all over it - from the step dad's claim that an 18 year old is a "grown adult with a well paid job", to you quibbling over having to pay a few quid. I feel your daughter is going to really regret pushing for you all to meet.

Is he not hoping to spend any time at your house, ever? I get that this pub is handy for work but if their relationship progresses, I’m pretty sure he’ll be able to figure out travel plans to meet her. If not, they have a stumbling block right there.

When DCs are still living at home don't you just meet naturally, when they're calling anyway, no need for formal introductions?

DD doesn't get to be ashamed of her house either!

I think he's waiting on passing his driving test and getting a car.

So when she comes home after an evening out with him does she come home on her own?
I know he lives a few miles away but am I the only one who thinks he should see her home?
I realised that might make me old fashioned

Your DH is being a bit of a stick in the mud 😂

I think it's lovely that she wants you to meet him and equally nice that you're happy too!

When I first met my DHs parents (I was 20) we went for a meal in the local city that DH lived in (I didn't at the time) and his parents paid. I fully offered (and was totally prepared to pay!) and my DH offered to pay for the full bill too. It made me feel really welcome and included into the family pretty much immediately which was really kind of them. I did thank them profusely!

Now we're married and so far down the line we take it in turns paying for everything we do together with the PIL, it's a really good family relationship.

They're only young and with him not driving it makes sense to perhaps go over that way but also to meet in neutral territory like a pub restaurant, so either side can run if they need to 😂 it sounds like your daughter is lovely and thoughtful if she's tried to pick somewhere that suits everyone, both in location and facilities! Good luck on the first meeting!

I would pay. When my son brought his girlfriend to a meal I paid for her.

Thank you.
There is absolutely nothing formal about the place we are going to, if only people saw it 😂
It's just a big standard pub restaurant with a toddler soft play - I'm sure you all know the type. It's close to his work and DD chose it🤷‍♀️

*bog standard

And I get why she's embarrassed to bring him here tbh. As I said, I feel similarly when I invite my friends over. The back of the house particularly resembles a bit of a building site at the moment!

You pay

Aw what a lovely post. Thank you! I'm sure he will be lovely - he seems it so far from the small snippets DD has shared with me. 🥰

He puts her in a taxi and talks to her on the phone the whole way home, apparently. Which is sweet, bless him,

No, you were replying to someone who said their parents do pay everytime....as in they just do. It's not demanded or asked. Its only "expected" in the sense that it has happened every time so far.

I would pay but.... I would not be entertaining the request of meeting after 2 months when they are teenagers!
The first 'meeting' needs to be far less formal - ie/ a quick hello when he comes round before they go out (for example).

Although when my parents met DH (boyfriend at the time) for the first time I was 5 months pregnant already!! so what do I know!!

No one is saying the place is formal. 😅

It’s the situation. It’s formal to meet the family over dinner for 17/18 year olds that haven’t been together very long. I dare say you’ll have a fair few of these dinners if you’re going to meet everyone she dates after a couple of months.

This is not what I said! I quite clearly explained in my previous post that my fiance and I always offer but both of our parents always insist! Both sets of parents are well off, mortgage-free and enjoy treating their family occasionally, this is perfectly normal and not in any way sponging! I feel you are projecting because your adult children have higher disposable income than you have. Not everybody's circumstances are the same.

Our parents treat us because they love us and are able to. We have our own mortgage, pay our own bills and fund our own lifestyle with no handouts from them whatsoever. We work incredibly hard and treat our families on birthdays/Christmases etc, there is nothing wrong with parents who can afford it wanting to treat their adult children to a meal. Jesus wept!

So you didn’t say it was “good etiquette” for parents to pay? I’m sorry, I must have misread your post.

We always pay when we go out for a meal with DS and his GF. They are early 20s and have been together 5 years . They are both earning but we are substantially better off than they are. I don't know if this would have been different if they had met when they were older and earning - as we've carried on with the practice we started when they were both at college; or equally whether it would be different if it was a DD with a BF. If we were in a bar they would alternate a round .

I meant that on a first meeting it is definitely good etiquette! It would be so awkward to pay for the entire family and expect the boyfriend to cough up. I highly doubt he is on a decent salary at 18! I actually think in this scenario, why not just order a bottle of wine for the table to share?

Oh op what a carry on over a non event. How does your dh cope day to day with everyday situations?!

18yr old bf or gf tend to stick their heads round the door say hi then have a bit of tea when staying longer. We've never had meals out after a matter of weeks but as that is what your dd has requested yes, tell your dh you pay!

I think to pay for him yes ,at 18 he is barely a young adult! It would look mean if he had to pay for himself I think.

Ah that's nice.