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Original poster

Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

454 replies

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 08:36

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

OP posts:
ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 23/02/2024 10:23

Wow @Menomeno - a bill of £1000! I can't imagine any of your DC would expect you and your DH to pick up the tab in that case - particularly given your family circumstances. Hopefully they take it in turns to treat you .

Dixiechickonhols · 23/02/2024 10:23

Update how it goes Op. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship. My dd 18 and I’d be happy to meet a lad she wanted us to meet and buy him a burger.

mcmen05 · 23/02/2024 10:28

@@tiredmama23 yes pay for him next time he may offer to pay.
It will be easier for your dd if you pay.
We pay for our dd boyfriends and even pay for them to come on family holiday but thinking this year to not include boyfriends as they are going on holiday with my daughters earlier In year.
Enjoy hopefully it goes well

ChampagneLassie · 23/02/2024 10:29

Of course pay for him, and one would hope that his family and the BF treat your daughter. Not paying for him would be very rude and what are we talking about here is going to be <£20! I doubt he’ll drink a lot on first meeting with his GF parents, unless you’re encouraging him to!

ProcrastinationCentral · 23/02/2024 10:33

When my daughter had her first serious boyfriend (she was 17, he was 21), the first time we met he cooked for us, in our kitchen! Which I thought was lovely but my husband absolutely hated and accused the boy of trying to show off to us...what I'm getting at is, father figures do get funny about the men who arrive in their daughters lives. Do you think he could be throwing out a little bit of hostility to keep the boyfriend at arms length?
For what its worth, I'd pay because I'd do it for my daughter, I think thats what would make her feel most comfortable.

Cas112 · 23/02/2024 10:38

I would pay personally, it's like a nice little welcome especially if your paying for everyone else at the table

Mama1209 · 23/02/2024 10:50

He should offer to pay half. If he doesn’t your daughter should dump him. He’s a adult with a well paid job!

Jook · 23/02/2024 10:55

I understand the dynamic OP. My husband is a great stepdad but doesn’t understand my need to “treat” my DC and their partner when we eat out. It gives me such pleasure because I know money is tight - although they do offer (but they’re late 20s). He’s more of the pay your own way mentality, which is fair enough. But hey, I’m their mum and can afford it so…

One thing I’d recommend is that you let your DD know the score beforehand when it’s just the two of you. So she knows you’re looking forward to treating them for a meal, but “listen if you want more drinks you’ll just need to get those yourselves at the bar because we’ve had a tight month”. Then there’s no awkwardness and you can relax.

PieAndLattes · 23/02/2024 10:55

Is your DD expecting you to pay? Can you not invite him round for a spag Bol instead?

Str3bor · 23/02/2024 10:56

I would definitely pay for him, a bit odd if you pay for everyone bar him. I would say to your DH that the same logic applies to your DD

PieAndLattes · 23/02/2024 10:56

or you could say, ‘you get the drinks and we’ll get the food’.

mydamnfootstuckinthedoor · 23/02/2024 10:56

You should definitely pay. You should not order "lots to drink" for anyone! He will undoubtedly follow your lead, so that one's up to you!

Iwasafool · 23/02/2024 10:58

Ive got 4 adult kids, all past this stage, but when they were at this stage there was never a big deal about meeting boyfriends/girlfriends. They'd just come to the house maybe just to meet up and go on somewhere, maybe to spend the evening together. It seems really formal to me to have to have a family meal out just to meet a teenagers new boyfriend so I have no idea on the etiquette.

Iwasafool · 23/02/2024 11:00

Mama1209 · 23/02/2024 10:50

He should offer to pay half. If he doesn’t your daughter should dump him. He’s a adult with a well paid job!

So 5 people going out, 4 from OPs family and an 18 year old should pay half? That doesn't seem fair to me. Not sure how well paid 18 year olds are.

morellamalessdrama · 23/02/2024 11:00

Our eldest is 25 and we still always pay for her and her boyfriend. I think we'll always do that as long as we can continue to afford it.

MissHyacinthSpring · 23/02/2024 11:01

tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 08:43

Well yes that's the other option - just wanted to gauge opinion on here on the etiquette first. I'm happy to pay for us all including him, but DH thinks not. Maybe he's just being tight 😂

Show quote history

I’d pay for them both for sure and as for the idea that someone mooted about paying separately that sounds very 😱especially if your family isn’t used to doing it that way

moomoomoo27 · 23/02/2024 11:02

The etiquette is for you to pay, and your DH isn't actually questioning that, it's a deflection/something to focus on because he's worried about his teenage daughter's new boyfriend (regardless of how nice they both are, it's new territory and there's some natural protection over daughters there).

LBFseBrom · 23/02/2024 11:18

I wouldn't have thought you'd have had alcohol with tea, surely just tea?
However, I wouldn't make a big thing out of paying but as the couple are so young I'd ask for the bill and if they make objections, just say they can pay next time. It's a good idea for a first meeting to be on neutral territory and it means there is a time limit to it. I hope you enjoy and that he is all you hope.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 11:20

@AMillionMoreFirstTimes

I'm not going to meet everyone she dates after a few months, obviously. This is her first serious relationship, there have been other lads she's mentioned and never asked me to meet them so this is a first for us both, as I said. If she breaks up with this one and it becomes a pattern of her wanting me to meet the new boyfriend after a few months etc then obviously I'll start to say no.

OP posts:
CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/02/2024 11:21

They sound like a thoughtful couple - she's planned the venue carefully to suit his travel and her younger sister's amenities ie soft play is available, and he puts her in a taxi home and talks to her throughout the journey to make sure she's ok.

Think you've made the right decision to foot the food bill, DH is just being over-protective towards his step-daughter. A young man of 18 isn't earning a fortune, and one extra burger won't add much to the bill. He should offer to pay for the drinks, or you could just pre-empt it and say 'hi Joe, nice to meet you - we'll treat you to dinner and you can get your drinks if you want alcoholic ones.'

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 23/02/2024 11:22

LBFseBrom · 23/02/2024 11:18

I wouldn't have thought you'd have had alcohol with tea, surely just tea?
However, I wouldn't make a big thing out of paying but as the couple are so young I'd ask for the bill and if they make objections, just say they can pay next time. It's a good idea for a first meeting to be on neutral territory and it means there is a time limit to it. I hope you enjoy and that he is all you hope.

DH and I wouldn't routinely have alcohol with a family tea at 4.30pm, no. But my daughter might, especially if her boyfriend is there.

But I do plan to lay out the expectations in advance around buying drinks, ie we pay for one each for them with their meal and anything extra (alcohol wise) they fund themselves.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 23/02/2024 11:23

I wouldn't have thought you'd have had alcohol with tea, surely just tea?
Don't be silly. OP is clearly using tea to mean the evening meal as is perfectly normal across large swathes of the country. Given she's also clarified it's going to be burgers in a pub then a pint is totally expected.

BarrelOfOtters · 23/02/2024 11:24

We always pay for the boyfriends or girlfriends - even though they are late 20s with reasonable jobs now. We've got a small bet on with each other as to when the first time they will offer to pay will be.

I would just think it weird to sit there and hand him a bill for just his. Unless they offer to pay for their own if its one of those order by app places. And no to making him pay for an alcoholic drink that's weird.

Unless he wants to go and get a round.

graceinspace999 · 23/02/2024 11:26

I’d invite him to the house for a nice tea of hard boiled egg, stuffed pork roll, lettuce and tomato with sliced bread.

On arrival look him up and down then ask the following questions:

Where do you live?

What school did you go to?

Are you planning on further education?

What does your father do?

Do you drink?

etc.

This was my mum’s ‘meet the boyfriend etiquette. She made sure she didn’t have to meet them again.

willWillSmithsmith · 23/02/2024 11:27

I would definitely pay. When I met by DS’s gf (his first serious) we met out and I paid for her lunch, I wouldn’t have dreamt of her paying for herself. It was a one off, now she comes to the house so it’s not like I’m diving into my purse every time I see her. Couldn’t imagine saying I’ll get everyone else’s but you pay for yourself luv.(alcohol aside)