Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

Thanks for your thoughts everyone!

Decided to override DH and pay for us all. But I'm not buying loads of alcohol so if he/DD want to drink say more than one, they can buy their own. But DH and I will pay for food.

We would pay

You pay

your dh is being a tightarse

You can't pay for everyone else and then ask him to stump up. That's so rude and would make him feel so unwelcome

I know this isn’t the point but I’m surprised that you said to wait to meet him, surely if she’s keen then you would want to meet him early on too.
I would just pay for him as I think it’s going to be quite awkward otherwise, you’ll be getting the bill and adding up his burger, side and drink while paying for the rest of you.
He gets brownie points for trying to pay for himself and i wouldn’t be expecting him to drink any more than one, two at a push. If he appears to be assuming you’ll pay and taking the piss then don’t go out for a meal with him again.

Surely he will visit the house at some point though? I would just wait until then. Agree with pp, eating out even in a ‘relaxed ‘ place seems very formal. He’s probably wondering about paying too!

I was replying directly to a post (which I quoted) by someone who said the parents should pay, because her parents still always pay for her even though she’s in her 30s and earns well. The inference was that parents should ALWAYS pay.

I also added that in this particular case, I would pay for an 18 year old. I’m not sure how that was confusing.

Shes only been with him a few weeks and she’s 17. I think it’s a bit much to make a big deal of it with a meal to ‘meet the family’.

I’d let her know that he’s welcome to pop in and meet us whenever.

Yeah so that's why I think you should pay for him.
If we went out as a family of 4 and one of the kids friends came, or one of my friends. We would probably pay for then just out of courtesy.
Then when they go out with that friends family they will probably return the favour (but send cash anyway just in case)
It will all even out.

Yeah that seems fair. Make it clear at the outset and if he goes for the most expensive options then you'll have the measure of him

I think I'd leave the decision until the day. If he seems really nice, then offer to pay. If you don't like him/trust him for whatever reason, the no.

One good thing about him being happy to meet you, if that he doesn't feel he's got anything to hide. Also, I think it's a nice thing your DD wants you to meet him, she obviously likes him and if it were me I'd have been more than happy to meet him earlier in order to get to know him.

If he seems like a nice chap, moving forward you could offer for him to come for tea occasionally as that won't cost so much.

I think this is the right decision. I'd be surprised if he drinks alcohol though, first time meeting the parents and his girlfriend is under 18? I'd be having a coke.

ETA - DD is under 18, she shouldn't have the option of having more than one...

We always pay when we go out with our children and their partners.Thats out choice as we have more disposable income than they do .
But in the circumstances you describe I think you should definitely pay m Your daughter invited him to meet her family so it's her family's invitation. I don't think your husbands argument that he is an adult is a good one. 18; is only just an adult anyway.
Not the point of your post but I would have wanted to meet him when your daughter first suggested it. Rather than wait a few months

I realise this makes DH seem like a total tight arse but I do think it doesn't help that we've had a particularly stretched month financially with lots of outgoings we hadn't predicted (household related), but I wanted to keep my word to DD when we arranged this date for the meal to meet her boyfriend as I know it's important to her. And one extra burger or pizza isn't exactly going to break the bank is it if we're paying for 4.

Re not coming to the house, this is according to DD mostly because of the travel on public transport for her boyfriend given we live a fair few miles away. So I was happy to meet closer to home turf for him. I also think part of it is that we need work doing on the house (in the process of getting this sorted) and we have building works ongoing and scaffolding around the back currently etc, so I do think DD is potentially a bit embarrassed to bring him here, and I don't blame her! Sometimes I'm a bit embarrassed to bring my friends here at the moment 😬

I can’t imagine anyone going to pay for the family and then saying to the BF, oh I’ve paid for ours, you can pay for your own 🤣🤣

I think the list of people in the OP is badly worded. I originally read it like I think you have - that both DD's dad and stepdad were going but I think the OP means just the stepdad.

Just pay it all. If he takes advantage or drinks too much then it is worthwhile to get the mark of him. I think he will end up being a nice lad though wanting to formally meet you.

Yes you should at least offer to pay. It'll look incredibly tight if you don't.

I think it’s really odd to pay for everyone except him. And that includes drinks.

If you can’t afford it, then you should cancel the meal and have him over for a meal or even just some tea/coffee and a slice of cake.

It's not sponging!
How ludicrous.
I am 45 and my parents pay for every family meal that we all go on. And have paid for OH since day 1.
They offer, they can afford it, they like to do nice things for their family.

Sponging would be if I didn't have a job and didn't work to pay my mortgage and still lived at home expecting my parents to pay for day to day expenses....not treat me to meal out for special occasions.

OP I think you have made the right decision to pay for everyone- I would do the same but wonder if worth having a conversation with DD about drinking before hand? I could see it being quite awkward to separate out the bill at the end of what i hope will be a lovely meal. And he sounds lovely- not every 18 year old would be so keen to meet his gf family so hope when you meet him you like him.

@TheCompactPussycat
Yes you're right, badly worded🤦🏼‍♀️ sorry.
The people going are me, DH (who is DD's stepdad), DD17, our younger DD3, and the boyfriend. So 5 of us in total.

Does your DH know how little an 18yo gets paid?
£7.49/hour

How much of a skinflint would you have to be to expect a lad of 18 pay for his own burger at a family meal!

I can't believe someone said if you don't like him don't pay !

Of course it's not sponging! My children are in their 30s and we always pay for them when we eat out. It's our choice so how is it sponging? Whatever money left will go to them eventually anyway. So might as well share it with them now