Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

Well I'm happy to pay for a meal and one drink, but if DD and the boyfriend are wanting to drink more than that they'll have to fund that themselves unfortunately. I include DD in that! I'll buy her one drink but I'm not buying several alcoholic drinks - DH and I can't afford that either so it's just not an option.

I'd just say when you get there, we'll pay for dinner (and order a drink in that) then leave them to sort the rest. He's meeting his GFS parents at 5.30 in the early evening, he's not gonna be chugging Jager Bombs and necking pints is he? And if he is you have bigger issues.

Cancel the meal out and gather at your place for tea and cakes in the afternoon.
Seems a bit OTT to have a big family meal out to meet someone she’s known for a couple of months !

I met dd’s boyfriend after 8 months and she invited him over for the weekend.
They have a long distance relationship though.

It’s also ridiculous to go out for a meal that you can’t really afford, to meet a lad your daughter has been seeing for a very short time.

surely your Dd would be I'D if she wants alcohol so buying expensive drinks won't be an issue?

I just can’t imagine a scenario where you pay for everyone including your Dd, and he pays his own bill by himself. Talk about making someone feel welcome!

If you can’t afford a meal out for 5, which would be understandable for anyone, you need to explain that to your Dd and meet for coffee and a park walk or something.

Does your Dd do this difficult public transport journey to meet him?

Anyway, good luck and I hope it goes well.

I think you've made the right decision OP.
If you're really stretched for cash maybe propose going out for coffee and cake instead.

And it's not 'sponging' if parents of adults children buy them dinner. Don't be so ridiculous.

Ffs, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with parents treating their kids, but it is sponging if it is EXPECTED every time. I was replying to someone who obviously thinks it is a parent’s duty to pay for her meal every time they eat out. We have 5 DCs, all with partners. Every one of the ten of them earn more than me and DH, who are both unemployed due to ill health, but not claiming benefits and living off savings. When we eat out, the bill can be close to £1000. Should we be forced to pay every time, even though they all have far more disposable income than we do?

I must say it all seems a bit formal altogether as a first meet. My girls know they can bring any friends to the house and we just meet them then if they're new. (Transport is admittedly easy where we live).

The meals out (if they happen) are a lot easier then and yes, we just pay. My dad still pays for meals I have with him and I am several times 18!

Occasionally yes she will use public transport but it would be 2 different buses to get there, so she tends to spend a fortune on Ubers to see him (when she's not badgering me for lifts🤣)

I don't think it's ridiculous. It's important to my daughter and I promised her I'd meet him in a few months if they were still together as opposed to a few weeks in like she wanted. I'm keeping my word. We could afford it initially but as I said we've had a few unexpected expenses pop up this month, it happens 🤷‍♀️
We can afford the meal, just will have to be a cheaper version and not loads of drinks.

Surprised how many people don’t know it’s perfectly legal to drink at 17 with a meal in a pub or restaurant…
I think it’s nice she wants you to meet him and him you makes sense if it’s easier than him getting to your house on public transport and if she’s a bit embarrassed about your house at minute.
Burger in a brewers fayre isn’t formal.

That poster ‘clearly thought’ nothing of the sort. And absolutely no one is suggesting you should routinely pay a thousand pound restaurant bill, but I think families where the parents plus five adult kids plus partners would consume c. £80 a head‘s worth of food and drink in a restaurant despite the parents being unemployed through ill health are probably something of an anomaly in wider society.

He hasn't met you yet so guessing he hasn't slept over? From experience I'm guessing he wants to meet so that can happen, be the next very soon step. If your low on funds meet him at home over coffee?

This is a bit off. I hope you reciprocate and treat them too at times

We are in our 40s. Don't expect parents or PIL to pay for us if we go out but they expect to and will usually insist. We always offer, it's rarely taken up.

I would expect to keep paying for dinner for my DC and their partners for many years. It's just normal to me.

Invite them round for a lovely Sunday dinner at yours.

Or go to a lunch place that you know is within budget and pay for everyone. But you don't have to go out to eat as a big family event at your cost!

yes she can have beer, wine or a cider she can't be sinking the cocktails and the amount is at the discretion of the establishment!

I would say you should pay for him. I appreciate money is tight, but if you're already paying for 4 people then a 5th isn't going to be a deal breaker is it?

She literally said it’s “good etiquette” for parents to pay.

Depends where in the UK you live, but even if it's legal and she can, does that really mean she should? Weird to me that OP is factoring in alcohol to an early evening dinner in a place with soft play, especially given budget is tight.

I'd pay, but if that's going to make things difficult for you, invite him to team at yours.

It might be better anyway, to make him feel welcome at your house.

I’m wondering if your DH will be so reluctant to pay for his own daughters boyfriends meal when she’s older as he seems to be his stepchild’s! This post made me feel really sad. Your poor daughter, so excited about introducing her boyfriend to you all and her stepdad reluctant to buy the lad a burger ffs. I found this post as it popped up on my Facebook. I really hope your daughter doesn’t come across it

You’ve got to have a meal out that you can’t afford, to meet a boy your 17 year old has only just started dating, because she’s embarrassed of your house. Fucking hell!

With their young age, the fact they’ve only just got together and your financial situation, it seems silly.

Sounds overly formal to me.

And if it’s tea, he’s not going to be drinking. Of course you should pay. It would be really bizarre to expect an 18 year old to pay for himself.