Meeting daughter's boyfriend- what's the etiquette here?

[tiredmama23]

Probably a daft question but this is new territory for me. My 17 year old DD has been dating a guy since just before Christmas, so only a couple months, and wants me to meet him. Apparently he's quite keen to meet me too. I've agreed to go for tea this evening with them both (with my DH, DD's stepdad, and her younger sister). What's the etiquette? Do we offer to pay for him? I think yes, DH thinks no because he's an adult man with a well paid job?) However since he's only 18 I'm still seeing him as a child and thinking we should pay?

We aren't rolling in cash this month so I see DH's point, but I'd feel a bit tight to not pay for him? But then if he's having a lot to drink then I don't want to end up with that bill 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thoughts? How would you play this?

This place is like a really fucked up alternate reality sometimes. Only on mumsnet would someone say that parents insisting they pay for a meal out means the child being paid for is sponging

Also the venue for food was chosen by DD and the boyfriend- it's close to his work apparently so he's joining us straight from work there. And DD wanted a family friendly place for her little sister. She's really thought it through bless her.

🙄I didn’t think it was a formal dinner, I meant it’s quite intense to go out for dinner with the whole family to meet someone your 17 year old daughter has been dating for a few weeks. She’ll likely have loads of boyfriends that last a few months.

I’d just meet him at your house and tell your daughter to chill.

Yes, pay. How well-paid can his job be at 18 years old? Has DD met his parents yet, and have they paid anything for her? I don't have kids but speaking from my experience of my boyfriend from 18-25 (who I also was pretty serious about within a few weeks), my parents paid for him and his parents paid for me any time we went out until we were both working FT and living together.

Yes I would always pay for DD naturally without thinking, as I've done her whole life, when we eat out together. Her age doesn't change that.

You're already paying for 4 people, paying for a 5th isn't a massive amount more. I think it would be mean to expect him to pay for his own, and rather rude.

I'd have invited him to have dinner at your place rather than go out though. It's making a bit of a big deal of it imo, and you really want the first meeting to be relaxed and not at all formal

it would be polite to offer to pay for him. But if he’s very keen to cover his own costs then let him. Or just say that next time he can contribute.

Again if you can't afford to buy an 18 year old a pint, entertain at home instead.

@TerrifiedOfWeather

She's been dating him a couple months not weeks. As I said, she originally wanted me to meet him after a couple weeks and I said no! I told her to wait til at least a couple months.

Yes, you pay for him.

I reckon your DH is putting the ground rules in place for when your daughter turns 18.

Your dh is being really odd. You really must pay for him or just invite him to your place.

Just invite him to your place.

Inviting him to your place, and for an afternoon coffee rather than a meal, will be much less awkward all round. A casual chat, coffee... if it goes well "want to stick around for dinner? It's lasagne". If it's awkward he can plausibly take his leave before dinnertime.

I always pay for DD and DS's bf and gf and they often buy extras like popcorn if we go to the cinema - pay for wine at a meal or whatever. It is nice to share and be civilised. I can't imagine splitting the bill with a teenager, it seems a deeply weird suggestion for everyone to play for themselves 😂

It's not at all, we live a couple of hours away and they are comfortable and enjoy treating us. Of course we always offer but they always insist and tell us to put our money away, my partner's parents are the same. I don't feel this is what everyone should do if they can't afford it but I do feel that it's good manners to pay for the daughter's boyfriend who is only 18, especially for the initial meeting where it it's only a beefeater style restaurant.

If you can't afford to cover the bill, absolutely nothing wrong at all with a home cooked meal!

In their 30s with well-paying jobs, it is sponging to expect parents to pay every time. Maybe the parents might deserve treating once in a while? I’m talking about adult children who expect their parents to pay for everything for them till the day they die and then expect to inherit their house too.

DD CHOSE TO EAT OUT. Not me.

Sorry feel the need to repeat that as people are assuming this was my decision, it wasn't. The place is close to his work and easier for him to get to than our house.

How are you splitting everyone else's?
So DD is 17...but they are coming as a couple? if you are paying for her then you should pay for him. If she pays her own then he pays his own (even if she pays from money you gave her prior to going out)
Did you say her dad is going too? Will he pay his own?
Or would you and her Dad consider just splitting the whole bill 50/50 for ease?

He shouldn't drink too much meeting the parents for the first time...if he does that's a red flag.

When the bill comes he should offer to pay for his, at that point depending on size of the bill you can say thanks that's great, thanks but this is our treat or something like how about you just put in £20 tip?

Override her! She's 17, she doesn't have much experience. It'll be so awkward and not how she imagines at all... especially with your dragon of a dh expecting him to pay

"Grown man with a well paying job" - I can imagine how your dh will speak to him!

Jus to add, he doesn't drive yet and we live a good few towns away from him so public transport to ours would be a pain for him. Hence the decision for us to drive to a pub / restaurant closer to his work where he can meet us.

See I think eating out is less formal since the bf can choose what he wants to eat. Eating at home would mean checking on what he likes to eat and he may be fussy. Also having to spend time cooking.

yes this will make the guy feel welcome, him getting his card out to pay is just going to be awkward !

I disagree. I think going to the house is quite intense. Going to a neutral venue with others around feels much more sociable and less intense to me.

But what has that got to do with the post you quoted? That poster clearly said that their parents insist on paying every time. Nowhere did it say that they just expect the parents to pay, or that they expect the parents to fund their lifestyle until they die

The bill for us as a family would just be paid as normal, from joint family money (ie mine and DH's). Wouldn't expect DD to pay for herself if we all ate out together.

Pay for everyone. Good etiquette and kind too.

Of course you should pay