To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Have you talked since OP?

A major overreaction, and the silence is probably because he has blocked you. Imagine this the other way round that a woman posted that she said that joke and the man sent a text like that and went home. Everyone would be saying the woman has dodged a bullet there.

I dont think you over reacted at all. I think you responded magnicently and like a fabulous smart woman who knows her own worth and values herself. I think he was treating you like an escort pitching up to service him - it didnt come across as 'humorous' at all, it came across as transactional. Good for you for turning straight back home - your future self will thank you for this someday.

I absolutely can’t stand this type of response. The ‘Just get on with it.’ Bollocks.

This is what women do. We agonise over stuff and want to talk it over. So we know. For next time. So we don’t make the same mistakes again.

No he probably isn’t in a forum discussing this, which is true to male form. Which is why make mental health is a massive issue. And suicide rates among young men are do bad. And relationships are getting worse between the sexes and not better.

perhaps he should be on a forum picking over why he lost out on his night of passion.

then maybe the pair could realign and start over.

its also impossible for women to just purge men from their thoughts when things go off track. Hormones and emotions and nature makes sure you dint forget easily.

don’t be so insensitive

I don't know why you posted when you're clearly convinced you were right.

tell him what you want or expect. Most men are not mind readers

Or equally he could offer? Meeting someone off a train is not a revolutionary concept only practised in Ulaanbaatar. But I guess that might risk having to put someone else first for 20 minutes and cutting into his important gym time. Heaven forbid.

Nope - radio silence! I don’t know whether to say anything because I pretty much think ‘ok’ and then not even asking the next morning if I got back ok kind of says it all.

and as I said he has met me in similar situations in the past at the station. So it’s not a case of not knowing that’s kind of expected, and I always express gratitude when he does.

so hence this time felt lazy and deliberately low effort. And sleazy.

of course I know we’re going to sleep together. And any other time flirty banter is totally fine. But it’s not a FWB situation, we’re dating with a view to a relationship, so I thought. We haven’t mentioned exclusivity but I assumed it was a given.

I don't think you over reacted. The fact that he didn't even bother to apologise, explain or get his arse down to the station shows you were absolutely spot on with your assessment of the situation.

Good for you for knowing your worth and turning around and going straight back home.

Hopefully lessons learned. No dating men from miles away unless they put in 50/50 effort. And always, always listen to your gut.

YANBU. Exclusive or not, you are going to a lot of effort to see him and in your shoes I’d expect a little effort in return to show his appreciation. A decent guy would meet you at the station.

I was seeing someone recently who lived in another city to me. Every visit, he met me at the station and he also dropped me off at the end of the weekend. And I appreciated that he did that. If he hadn’t, I’d have felt a bit used by him tbh. He also acknowledged that and said he didn’t want me to feel that way which was why he was happy to pick me up/drop me off. It’s the LEAST he can do given how much travelling you’re doing to see him!

I think, from his point of view, he just didn’t see the issue with making a flirty joke and expecting you to go straight to the hotel. Next time if you do any travelling to see a guy, make it clear you expect to be met at the station by them. It’s good to set that expectation from the beginning, and if they make excuses or suggest meeting somewhere more convenient to them, then you know that they can’t be bothered to put in the effort for you. You’ll then know not to waste time dating someone who doesn’t match your values.

What a load of sexist bollocks.

Im a woman, I know my own mind and can make a decision about something without ‘agonising’ about it with my female tribe 🙄

Well I’m more wondering whether to say anything now. And tbh I’m just in shock because it feels like a total switch up from how things have been before last night so I’m processing.

there have been views both ways. Which has been helpful.

This thread demonstrates why so many women are treated like shit and have crap relationships. They set the bar so low it’s scraping the floor.

Men that are really into you leave no room for doubt. They don’t treat you like that.

YANBU op. At all.

i wouldn't say anything OP
His reply was "ok" without following up on whether you got back safely . He doesn't care , so just block him X

One thing I've learned on here. Never presume you're exclusive.

Why not ask him if he could meet you? I think you overreacted but it sounds like built up resentment. I also think his “ok” was probably because he was like wtf.

and as I said he has met me in similar situations in the past at the station. So it’s not a case of not knowing that’s kind of expected, and I always express gratitude when he does.

But perhaps he thought it was ok to not offer this time or if you wanted it you would ask. I honestly think so many relationships break down because people don’t communicate.

Personally I think you’ve been a bit unreasonable, I think it’s something that could have been a discussion/chat in person rather than a “I’m waiting for the next train back”, it is all a bit dramatic and I probably wouldn’t be getting back in touch with you if I was him purely because at this stage in my life I couldn’t be bothered with the huffy stropping off etc. If it isn’t a pattern, which from what you’ve said about other meetings it doesn’t sound like it is, then I would have just laughed the text off as flirty and gone to meet him and just said then “ah you couldn’t have came to meet me…”

On the one hand, when he said “In the bed” I’d be totally grossed out. Not because he hadn’t met me at the station, but because there was clearly an expectation of sex. I don’t like men who expect sex as if it’s a certainty. It’s disrespectful. He’s treating you like casual sex rather than like a relationship.

On the other hand, you said “where are we meeting?” when you clearly wanted a certain answer. You wanted him to say “at the station” not “at the hotel”. Yes he has treated you like a casual sex partner but it doesn’t sound like you indicated that wasn’t what you wanted. His “ok” response confirms that it was indeed just casual sex from his perspective.

I don’t think he’s actually done anything wrong. From his perspective it was a casual sex relationship, you wanted more but had failed to make that clear. Best to just let this one go.

Not an over reaction by you Moonlightandroses44 . Can't believe the low standards of others on this thread! Politeness and good manners or even a tiny bit of consideration from him isn't expecting too much. Early days of possible relationship, my now DH, would meet me off the train as he was excited to see me, spend as much time as possible with me.

Sorry OP. I feel your disappointment. However please just talk to him, maybe after a week or two. Even if it’s just to end things on some understanding. I’d give it some time before you do so you have a bit of hindsight and a more rational perspective. But dint leave it as unfinished business. You’ll be amazed how lack of closure can eat away at you. I’m still carrying around stuff from 25 years ago which could have been sorted back then with a short and honest conversation. I’d apologise for your part in sending a snappy message and hear what he has to say. Good luck. Don’t block him yet .

My take for what it's worth:

You were going to a hotel, which is neither of your place of residence, which I would take to mean meeting at the hotel - not like you were travelling to a station near his home where he would be likely (or obliged even?) to come meet you and take you there. Each has responsibility for getting themselves there.

You asked where you were meeting. This in itself would feel like an unusual message to me, because I would have assumed you were meeting at said hotel. So choices would be in the foyer, downstairs etc. Neither of which would make much sense, as surely you would need to at the very least put your bags in the room before you could go out for a meal/drinking, so the "in bed" would make sense as a flirtatious/sexy/possibly confused response when unsure why you would be asking. (Especially if there was no precedent of him meeting you off the train, which tbf you haven't said what is the norm for your meet ups).

If I'm reading it correctly, just under a half hour after his "flirty" message, he did clarify that he had been in the gym, asked if your train had been on time (indicating that he had an eye on how long it was taking you to get there), and then 15ish min later asked if you had got there ok.

Suitcases have wheels. Even heavy ones. If it was barely a 10 min walk for him to get to you, then it was also only a 10 min walk for you to get to the hotel (even with your suitcase). If meeting at an hotel, I don't really think that it's anyone's job to come and get the other person from their public transport destination, unless they are coming with actual luggage, ie suitcases and bags (which you obviously wouldn't be for a 2 day shag meetup). We would just meet there.

And I agree with a pp re your message, it has the tone of something that someone in a long term relationship/marriage with serious issues would send their other half. Heavy and over reactionary. Sick and tired of shit. Honestly, I'm not surprised by his "ok" response. He's probably wondering where the barrage came from and is as equally relieved to be out of this situationship with you, as you are happy to be done with him.

Put it down to experience, move on, and maybe set your expectations out in your next "relationship". It will be kinder and easier on both of you, and result in less disappointment and failed expectations.

Oh and that makes you an independent, modern woman? Well done.

how about you understand not everyone is like you and that OP does want to talk about it, which is why she’s here, on a forum, for women. Your idea of female empowerment is to dismiss and shut down female emotions and suck it up on your own.

lovely.

Totally this.

I think you are right to walk away from anything that gives you a bad feeling in early stages.
I am curious though, have there been other red flags?
Also curious as to why you'd have a heavy case if you were only staying the weekend but that's just me being nosy tbh.
Oh and you mention assuming you are exclusive - just a heads up that there are a lot of people out there who would assume not exclusive until you've spoken about it - just so you're aware you might need to actually have that chat in future.

Swap "my house" for "hotel"....