To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Oh yes the men who can't deal with any bit of conflict at all 🙄

I think we all know at least one of them, and women finding out early that a man is like that is a good thing!

I've had hurt men explode at me and I have always managed to show a bit of compassion and kindness afterwards, which is the decent thing to do when you've had an intimate relationship with someone.

Well done @Moonlightandroses44

Youve just shook off a thoughtless, waste of space man.

Sending a hug xxx

*You’re
If you’re going to throw insults, do it properly.

Are you saying this is how you treat women then?

Good spot @Begsthequestion - women don’t call themselves females, but incel men do!

I asked my male friend that if a woman made a two hour train trip to see him, would he meet her at the station as standard or expect to be asked. His reply: ‘’Of course I’d be there waiting, or at least ask if she wanted me to meet her, it’s common courtesy’’

So not only has he made a shit joke that made her feel used like some sex object and uncared for, but he also didn’t have the consideration and forethought to even ask if she wanted to be met at the station/needed help. To top it off, he didn’t even bother to apologise for upsetting her. That isn’t a man that cares about her for anything other than sex and it’s disrespectful.

And YOU’D be hurt if you were him. Awww 😢

Given the fact she turned back and went home, I doubt she gives a toss about whether she’s ruined her chances of a relationship with this prize prick.

Some blokes seriously lack emotional intelligence.

And THIS is the very reason men like you who are on OLD get blocked time after time and then wonder why you’re still on OLD 10 years later!

Word of advice: if you make a 'flirty' joke to someone who has clearly made a lot of effort to come and spend time with you, and it lands wrong, at least have the decency to fucking apologise. Even if you are no longer interested in seeing them again.

No. But I think the OP - and you and lots of others - are making assumptions about this man's intentions which may well not be justified. I think he tried what he thought was a gentle, flirty joke, and got blasted for it - potentially unjustifiably. Or at any rate incredibly harshly.

That’s what I was doing when I asked where we were meeting. Very normal question. I actually thought I might have heard from him earlier given he knows my plans and I don’t know his.

the whole exchange, with me asking a literal and practical question about where to meet and then getting that response, just indicated to me that there was this underlying assumption and expectation I would turn up at the hotel in the easiest and most convenient way possible for him. I hadn’t even known before then if he was at the hotel and then I still didn’t know because that text which clearly was not 100% literal was a joke and I actually didn’t know if he’d really checked in yet.

I actually thought there would be an immediate follow up of ‘I’ll meet you at the station’ given he has done that before. When it was just left hanging it became clear that yes he did expect me to just turn up in the most convenient way possible without putting himself out in the slightest.

so saying ‘I would prefer if you met me at the station’ wouldn’t have really solved anything because it was clear after there was no follow up that he didn’t intend to do that off his own steam and it kind of revealed he was happy for me to just be conveniently deliver myself to his hotel without caring about how, while he was merrily going about his own day. Going to the gym. It was a subtle, but very clear ‘ you don’t matter all that much to me’.

There was no ‘are you ok getting a taxi’ or ‘are you ok getting to the hotel’ just

‘I expect you to meet me at the hotel’. (for sex - haha)

so no I don’t really think there was a communication fail. I think I got the message loud and clear. And I didn’t go home ‘in a strop’ like some kind of child. I sat and worked out whether this was acceptable to me and when I decided it wasn’t I went home. Despite the inevitable inconvenience that entailed. Despite the fact it was the harder thing to do.

No we aren’t, we have all been the victim of such twats at some point! They’re a waste of space! Nice to see you sticking up for fellow males though because they don’t like conflict and ‘drama’ so it’s better to all stick together against these god awful women yeah? 🤣

Please take the unsupportive messages with a grain of salt. Pour yourself a large glass of wine and congratulate yourself for trusting your instincts and not abandoning yourself or your boundaries for this guy. You can quibble over timings of text messages and semantics but ultimately you felt sleazed out and disrespected and nipped things in the bud. I wish more women would do this. And his "ok" speaks VOLUMES. Forget the train station - this "ok" and the subsequent silence tells you everything you need to know about his character. Congratulations on moving on!

If she doesn't care, why is the OP asking here?

Strange interpretation, but whatever.

Can you not even understand why she might want to post here to check if she over reacted? For all you know she might have been abused/gaslighted in the past and doubts herself and her reality often as a result.

Strange interpretation of what you think happened to the op and how she reacted to it, but whatever.

Right. Exactly. She does care. For whatever reason.

Ha. Spot on. I had to leave an abusive marriage and lost nearly everything in the process. So I am tuned into subtle signs, and I do still doubt myself in case I am over sensitive.

when you get push back it helps to test your own grounding. That’s been the most helpful thing about the thread. I am firmer and more confident now in my decision. It’s not that I wasn’t open to the opposing views, I genuinely was worried I had overreacted.

But now I’m pretty sure I didn’t 😅

Hang on, you have been understanding to men who explode at you? I can’t do that. As a victim of DV the minute someone explodes at me that’s it. I ghost them. If that’s what he has done I think he made the right decision. What was he supposed to do? Behave exactly as she wants him to? How far do you go with that? Where does it end?

But that doesn’t necessarily mean she wanted a relationship with him after today because even if she had over reacted, he’s clearly quite a thoughtless person which isn’t a good fit for many! A bit like yourself I get the impression.

@Moonlightandroses44

I think this thread taps into the old ‘stereotypical’ role of a women - we should be submissive/not over react v’s saying ‘no’/standing up for yourself. IMO you wholeheartedly did the right thing and called out his shitty behaviour.

Exactly, all of this. In response to the posts saying I am bad at communicating.

there were far more unknowns at to his whereabouts than mine which he knew well in advance. It was really on him to check in.

it was the assumption I would just turn up and conveniently not interrupt his gym session despite the fact he hadn’t communicated to me all day before that. He didn’t even ask if I was fine with that. He just assumed. It totally threw a light on how he saw me. He has met me at the station before. This time he was just like. I won’t bother.

no matter if it’s dark and raining and she has a case. I haven’t checked she’s ok to get a taxi. Oh well. Who cares.

It kind of spoke volumes.

You absolutely did the right thing. We’re total strangers online and when I read your post I was thinking well done you!! For having such self respect and boundaries. I see so many settle for this kind of shit too often, then wonder how it got so bad when they’re years down the line and miserable. We can’t keep teaching men it’s acceptable.

This is all you need to know. It didn't feel right and so you removed yourself from the situation. When I first read the messages I did think you had overreacted tbh and not surprised he responded with just the 'ok' as he was probably a bit taken aback. BUT with your updates it's clear that there is more going on here in your head and you didn't feel happy. You did the right thing by going home 💐

OP- read the book the gift of fear. Excellent book about listening to your gut instincts. I am not suggesting you were ever in any danger here in any shape or form btw, just that you specifically mentioned your gut instinct and this book is all about that.