To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Because the OP herself has repeatedly posted that it was a big deal. And someone else actually yelled at me "why should opp communicate" as if it's onerous to write a text to someone you supposedly like and are on your way to meet.

If she didn't create that OTT artificial obstacle none of it would have happened. She'd be enjoying the weekend she planned and had made effort to travel to.

But seriously? If you are talking emotional intelligence, what about her not having the emotional intelligence to just call him. Double standards from you.

Also it's not "a problem that doesn't exist" because if the OP learns nothing from this and chooses to believe those shouting down any suggestion that she look st her own part in it, then she will do it again, some variation of it, and torpedo another one.

Setting petty tests to decide if a guy cares enough is not a good basis for a healthy relationship. She'll be hurt more often than need be because she's making arbritrary conditions.

But I gave up trying to persuade her, some time ago.

Any posts from me now are just replies to folks making questionable points addressed to me.

I think that you were thinking you were headed toward a relationship but he just saw you as easy sex and unpaid prostitute where he had to make zero effort. I also get the impression he is married or living with someone.

Traveling and making a lot of effort for a man a never good thing cuz they just take advantage.

When a man is truly interested you'll know with zero doubt and you won't have to take 2-hour train trip serving yourself up like a long distance pizza delivery.

I might have expected him to meet me off the train and maybe - dare I say - take me for a drink and some food .

Before he got his .

Op I get you . You felt used and like a service . But maybe you could have said can you meet me and we'll got for food ? I don't know .

@kkloo

Also, I have acknowledged that I was overzealous earlier.

It just bothered me seeing OP going with such bad advice (about the pettiness being good) that will likely cause her issues again and keeping replying to me trying to justify it.

I meant well but I see plenty others made their point and, when it fell on deaf ears they left it at that. Although some anti guy ones kept refuting ones that suggested better handling in future and I think I was pushing back at those.

Anyway lesson learned and it's eaten a lot of time.

But being relatively new to posting here and as I didn't keep copies of my posts I have no idea what specifically got one deleted. Unless the caps happened to be on the princessy word so it seemed like yelling it rather than emphasis. Someone made a comment about insults in caps but the post was gone by the time I saw that. I didnt consider princess to be name calling tho,its describing a behaviour.

I guess my age is relevant to how this had me wanting to push so hard on idea of voice communication as well as against playing power games... when i was dating there was not just no social media but no internet, not even mobile phones , so no texts, emails.

Written text with no vocal tone, no facial expression is nowhere as good if something is at risk of being misunderstood.

Yet a whole generation must have grown up used to hardly calling at all as there are so many threads about "what do you think this text means?" " should I stop seeing him after this text" etc.

It's mindboggling to someone who did their dating with phones only (possibly no answerphones either) that they don't just call and sort it out.

But OPs situation would have not arisen as there would have been no choice but to arrange it before she left home 😂.

Generally a good 'un' would at least check that the other person was ok if they expressed feeling the way the OP felt, like they were being used for sex, even if they didn't think they had given off that impression. Or they'd check they were ok knowing they had no place to stay that night where they were and had a long journey home.

This guy didn't, and coupled with the other stuff and the negging I think it's clear that he's not one of the good guys.

You seem to be missing the point completely that the drama wouldn't have been avoided, he was clearly not that bothered and she picked up on that, so some kind of 'drama' seeing as you insist on using that word....or ending was imminent.

If I was unsure about how to take something but hadn't picked up on a vibe change then I'd ask yes.
If I was picking up the vibe that something was different then yes I'd torpedo the date.

OP you did the right thing.

YANBU
He had stopped putting in the effort but yet highlighted what he wanted. His message showed a complete lack of courtesy and appreciation or even warmth. No wonder you felt taken for granted and questioned it.
He took the relationship down a notch it seems, maybe hoping you wouldn’t notice or maybe letting you know deliberately. So it was a dilemma for you on a cold wet night in a bleak station cafe.
You did right to communicate your feelings and decision so clearly.
I say well done OP. You deserve to expect better and you let him know that. His loss.
A rotten, wasted evening for you but you already know you did the right thing.

It's only a big deal because of all that followed.

Yeah I saw where they 'yelled' and I saw where you said you were curious about why they 'yelled' that and I was going to respond to say it was obvious why they were saying that but then I didn't bother because it's easily understood by people who aren't committed to misunderstanding!

And I would imagine the 'yelling' was because you have been yelling all over the thread.

I don't think the OP was lacking in emotional intelligence by not calling him because I think she perceived the situation correctly exactly as it was.

It IS a problem that doesn't exist. You're going on and on about princesses losing good men with their princessy behaviour and it's pure nonsense that you just made up.
And it's not what happened with the OP.

Soapy, your dating advice is directed at the wrong person.

It is standard to meet people off the train. This is not a petty test. He torpedoed the date because he made it clear that he cared more about getting as much time in the hotel gym as possible than whether he got to see Moonlight sooner. It wasn't ever going to be a healthy relationship, because he just wasn't that into her.

If he doesn't treat the next woman better, he will wreck relationship after relationship, until he finds someone who is totally clueless about social conventions around public transport. But that's his problem, not hers.

I can’t believe I’ve come back to this post and it’s nearly at 1000 comments. What did I miss?!

This.

I expect the previous communication was all "date like" and keen and as if it was potentially serious.

Otherwise the OP wouldn't have committed to the travel and the time away and got emotionally involved and made brownies.

Then a complete 180 degrees. He wanted to send the message that he was going to be doing his own thing and the OP was there for sex only and couldn't expect anything else.

If it was a misunderstanding, he would have messaged back straight away or suggested the OP crash and chat to save the late night journey.

Or at least been upset that he'd upset someone he had an emotional connection with. Or admitted things had changed for him emotionally and he didn't know how to say.

It was very calculated - unless they're absolute Adonis types, most guys can't get casual sex easily without a lot of hassle. If they're upfront about it online, most will get turned down immediately.

(imagine being "on the pull" in your 30's/40's and taking drunk nightclub strangers home with you, who might be unhygienic or crazy or vomit).

So some men future-fake then try to turn a dating situation into a "sex buddy" one.

If the guy had sent a message before saying "you're a nice woman but not the One, how do you feel about casual?" I expect the OP would have cancelled and stayed at home all comfortable and then considered meeting other men.

But he let her travel all that way "hoping" for a nice romantic time away with a caring man who liked her, and then changed the goalposts. To see how far he could push her boundaries.

Not even a friend!

Ok. As a man (which I am) I would now be in shock myself at the ferocity of your response. I'd be really hurt, and would also feel like shit when all the poor chap had intended was a bit of light humour. It would be going over and over in my head. I literally wouldn't be able to contact you. I mean, personally, I think you've blown any chance of a relationship with this guy, so it really doesn't matter whether you block him or not. Whoever's 'fault' it was, I'd say the damage is irreparable.

Others have been more eloquent, so I can keep it short: YANBU! I don't understand those who don't see it.

I'm not going to reply to any more quotes or even old ones I havent seen yet. Some are reasonable debate, many are twisting what I said or even reading things I didn't say at all, but this would become Hotel California for me if I straightened them all. Plus I was already having to repeat the same points in replying to a few.

I think you did the right thing OP. If he can’t even be bothered to text on your journey or come meet you / make sure transport is sorted, it shows a real lack of care. This is the honeymoon phase, imagine if you were in a longer relationship. I think you’ve dodged a bullet and I applaud you for not taking any rubbish.

Block him and move on!

Words fail me.

It doesn't seem to me like that's what happened. It seems to me like he made a flirty joke and it landed wrong. No more, no less. All I'm saying is that, whatever happened, there's no way back now, so, as I believe the Americans say, "Don't sweat it."

Why? Men pay prostitutes with money, not romantic gestures or little gifts. OP was making all the effort to visit him, after a full day’s work. Why wouldn’t he show some appreciation? A restaurant booking would be a simple courtesy at that time of the evening.

Sorry but I don't believe you.

Good to know.

Haven't RTFT. Massive overreaction on your part, I would just have got a taxi to the hotel (seems quicker and easier) and then had dinner table the hotel or ordered room service. I wouldn't have a problem with this, but it's all about context so am guessing you were feeling underappreciated anyway in which case better to end it now

Oh no, gutted....

🙃

Ok dude