To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

You felt how you felt. There's nothing wrong with that. After travelling all that way in the rain I agree the least he could have done was drop you a text confirming the plans.

The meeting in bed comment was flirty and fun but I guess you were already pissed off and not in the mood for it.

The radio silence since is the main sign that this is not meant to be. He hasn't tried to clear the air or even discuss it. He isn't bothered about continuing things so I would suggest you chalk it up and forget about him.

I have work stuff with me because I am working remotely today so it was heavier than usual. laptop, files etc.

other red flags have been very small. Tiny things that have felt a bit like negging.

I overlooked it because he seemed to make an effort in other ways.

even if I’d overreacted, someone who gave a shit would have been like, woah, ok, sorry I think there’s been a miscommunication.

not just ‘OK’ and then total silence. I’m just in shock I think.

Sounds like you've built up a lot of angst over the relationship (doubting your intuition, etc) and this caused you to be triggered by his thoughtless text. On the face of it, neither of you ABU. But relationships shouldn't be this hard work!

Block and move on.

No more context is needed.

See I totally disagree with that, in the early stages of dating someone if there was a “miscommunication” and that persons reaction was to throw a strop, refuse to see me and flounce off home that is a HUGE red flag and anybody would be telling you to block and move on if the roles were reversed because that’s not how grown up adults who are able to engage in a healthy relationship behave. So I really don’t blame him for the “ok” and not replying, I’d have done exactly the same because honestly at that early stage I couldn’t be arsed with drama and it would show me very clearly how you deal with conflict, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s solution is to storm off rather than communicate.

You have not overreacted at all. He's lazy and selfish and entitled. Like you said to him, he's treating you like someone he's hired for the night. Good for you for standing your ground. Don't have anything to do with him now.

I'm going to echo the others - I do think you massively overreacted. But I get it's because you were knackered from travelling and sick of feeling like you've been making all the effort.

I do think it could have been solved in the early planning stages by just telling him what you wanted - 'My train gets in at X time, so if you meet me at the station then, we'll take my case back to the hotel then grab some food/go for a drink/shag ourselves senseless'. Delete as appropriate.

I'd just take it as a lesson for future dating endeavours to be straight up with your expectations instead of hoping someone will automatically be on the same page as you.

Any decent guy would’ve kept in touch to check when you’d arrive and he would’ve met you at the station to help with your bag! I know my DP would’ve met me from the station, even when we’d just started dating. You’re well rid of him OP, you deserve better

@Moonlightandroses44 have you heard from it since? In your original post you say you 'got' a hotel. Does that mean you booked it? So that's the hotel he was in that you didn't turn up to!? Who paid for it?

This.

In a world where I was told off for holding the door open for a woman (I wish I was joking…) I don’t see why he has to escort you back to the hotel.
If that’s something you’d like then fair enough, but you’d need to make that clear.

There’s nothing really wrong with what he said, but if you’re unhappy with it then he’s not the guy for you - and that’s perfectly OK too.

OP, you sound like me! You've done the right thing and I suspect what's bothering you now is the lack of closure. It took me YEARS to learn how to sit with the discomfort of not getting closure on this sort of thing, but I truly think this is what you need to do here. You're done with him, that's good. Let that be the full stop. Block him, move on and try to forget about it. Trying to get closure over a situation like this will never be as satisfying as we imagine and will only hold you up from going on to better things with better people.

I agree it was lazy on his part. When I was dating about 9 years ago, the men always would offer to pick me up, meet me etc. The ones that were serious about me, anyway.

Dh when we were dating, would have always wanted to meet me if I was getting a train in etc.

His response shows he is just not that into you, cliché as the saying may be.

In future, I would not leave the meeting place up in the air so as to avoid unnecessary confusion. And personally for me, I would never assume exclusively without it being discussed first. I think if a guy really likes you, they rush to be exclusive asap as they don't want to loose you to someone else.

His non response would show me all I needed to know. Just block him and move on.

No I went home. The hotel was his, he booked and paid for it, given he needed to be there for work stuff anyway.

and no - nothing since.

*have you heard from 'him' since (I meant)

This. He knows you've made all the effort and spent the time to get to him and he can't even be arsed to meet you at the station? Hope he wasn't expecting you to go halves on the hotel.

YANBU. I stopped seeing a guy after we went to a gig (of his choosing) which overran, so I had to get a night bus home which wasn’t due for 45 minutes. At this point it was after midnight and people were falling out of clubs. I didn’t feel very safe and thought the least he could do was wait with me, but instead he said goodbye and strolled off into the night with his male privilege. It wasn’t malicious, just thoughtless, and I can’t be bothered to do the thinking for a man. You shouldn’t have to spell out that after a long day, followed by a long journey, you’d appreciate being met at the station.

I also think you over reacted. I would leave it there as others have said. He likely has seen red flags in your response and decided to leave it. It's not going to go anywhere. Replying would be purely for the drama.

I would feel exactly the same as you.

You WANT someone to come and meet you, to care if you are safe and looked after. You're not some random booty call.

I think AIBU can be very perverse and people like to disagree with the OP.

Because you told him where to stick it, people are saying you overreacted.

However if you'd posted this text exchange and then said that you went and shagged him, people would be falling over themselves to post "oh my god you're worth more than that, you need to up your standards".

For what it's worth I think I'd feel the same as you - no issue with the "in bed" joke in itself, but if I'd travelled all that way I'd expect a bit of effort e.g. shall I come and meet you and we can get some food/drinks. I think your gut was telling you he couldn't be arsed to make any effort for you. I wouldn't particularly feel like having sex with someone in that situation either.

Also, why are we talking about women having (or wanting/expecting/needing) to, be met off the train or bus? If the tables were turned and it was OP who was in the position to be at the hotel first, and had decided to go to the hotel gym/run herself a bubble bath/have a quick after work nap, would anyone be up in arms that she hadn't met her male fuck buddy off the train? Or would we be saying "of course it's your right to wind down and have some relaxation after a long day at work, and before your date gets here, does he need an escort from the train to your hotel?"

They were meeting at an hotel for a couple of overnights, which even by the OP's admission would result in sex. Each holds their own responsibility for getting there. It doesn't sound like the OP should be reasonably surprised by any of the events that she has explained.

If OP was upset that it wasn't what she wanted then she has every right to end things, however it doesn't mean that she is reasonable in her reaction, or that the male was unreasonable in his actions. If anything, I feel that the drama of the OP's "I'm waiting on a train back" was the unreasonable part.

All, obviously just my opinion.

Just ghost him

you aren’t a prostitute - actually the situation is even worse - as you don’t get paid to turn up to his hotel room and service him.

his response of “ok” speaks volumes. Firstly he is completely unconcerned about the travel/stress etc and secondly, he is not in any way concerned about rectifying the situation. He could have said, oh sorry you’ve had such a stress, I’ll pick you up from the station and get you some food and we can have a chill evening. But - no - none of that. He’s probably thinking oh bollocks how am I going to get laid now.

anyway - ghost

Perhaps Uber should set up Uber Shagz or “Uber massage”.

FWIW if the roles were reversed I still would have met him. Because I feel like it’s just polite. And I’m very ‘traditional’ when it comes to relationships.

I think the basic issue that strikes me is, having a non exclusive sexual relationship with a man can make him lazy and not bother to treat you like potential girlfriend material? Maybe have the sex once you're more exclusive in future?
Having said that I've known women who've made the man wait for sex and they still got dumped.
Basically if he's really into you, he will want to be exclusive and will want to treat you well as well as have sex. That's really hard to find!!

Some attitudes on here are just grim. I thought dating was supposed to be about finding someone who might like you as a person, develop feelings about you, have a relationship with and so on. That does assume a level of politeness and manners. Instead women are told to expect the bare minimum of consideration. If their dates are likely to include sex then asking for some show of thoughtfulness they are "hard work".

This bloke made the OP feel like an escort service and she rightly called him out on it.

Did he have a car where he was staying? If so, then yes I think it would have been nice for him to have picked you up from the station? How far is the hotel from the station? Sorry if I missed it but I could only see a reference to the hotel being ten minutes from him but I wasn’t sure what that meant- the hotel was 10 minutes from the gym he was at?

if he didn’t have a car then no I wouldn’t have expected him to come out in the rain to meet you.

Unpopular opinion but I do think there was a lot to be said for the days when dating meant getting to know one person at a time rather than friends with benefits/non exclusive dating situations where men have several women on the go (and vice versa). It just seems to lead to hurt feelings, confusion and a lack of courtesy to each other a lot of the time.