To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

I wouldn't do all the travelling for a man.

I'd 100% expect him to put in the legwork tbh.

YANBU and (even though I wouldn't have let myself be in the situation you were), I'd have gone home and blocked him too.

Agreed entirely

I think it's fine if you block him and it's also fine if you two get through this. All.that matters is that you're doing what you're comfortable with.

Personally I would have found his text fun and not felt like a prostitute. But I'm not you.

I notice a lot of women have very strong notions about when it's acceptable to have sex with a new partner and to me that's quite old fashioned, like, why would you not just have sex when you felt ready rather than when you imagined it was somehow acceptable?

It seems as though a lot of women are still very attached to.the whole whore/Madonna shite. And I feel like your reaction is an extension of that like him looking forward to sex was in some way treating you poorly. Whereas to me it would be fun and I would be looking forward to sex too. So I feel like there's a bit of a victim mindset at play but if that's where you're at then that's your call. I imagine he was totally shocked by your text and all he could think was to say OK. I get that.

I think most of us who say his behaviour sounded fine are saying it in the context of a fairly casual non exclusive hook up situation. Where we are meeting for sex (yes) but also assume that we will also be fed and given wine too as required and we probably make arrangements beforehand.

Ie we know the score. If he hadn't texted us we'd text him to confirm the meet up plans.

(Though I'd not have put up with me traveling to his every time up to then unless for example I lived with my parents or possibly my own kids?)

And I’m very ‘traditional’ when it comes to relationships.

um but you’re meeting him in a hotel And you’re not officially in a relationship. How is that traditional?

I’ve never had a long distance relationship so to me it’s not normal to get on a long distance train to meet a guy at a hotel and not communicate with each other all day. You’re not even going for a date before/after?

if I was due to meet someone and they hadn’t spoken to me all day then I’d assume we aren’t meeting up. I wouldn’t haul myself to their local train station just in case

I voted yabu by accident- I meant yanbu
you’re well shot of him!

Surely it was clear you were meeting at he hotel from his 'I'm bed' comment. It feels like you have a mindset that sex is primarily for the males benefit and that is why you got your back up.

It feels like you have a mindset that sex is primarily for the males benefit and that is why you got your back up.

Tbh I'm getting that impression from many of the replies - all this talk of "servicing him". If I were on my way to spend a weekend with a man I presumably fancied the arse off (otherwise why would I be shagging him), then I'd be of the mindset that the sex was mutually beneficial and therefore I was travelling all that way for my enjoyment as much as for his. But we're all different I guess.

I am am so heartborken at this moment. People said help others to heal so here I am. This message is especially for you. Believe it or not, I've been here not too long ago. I did the planning, the travel and he just met me at the hotel. I loved him so much. He also felt nothing, gave so many excuses. Did not apologise like your guy when he said OK for you going home. You would thimk he would say "no babe stay I'm here'. But no there is none of that. I could say you are young , he is young but I dont know. I am 51 so there is that. We love them, we ignore the red flags because they say everything we want to hear
I'm sorry I want to say he has feelings and maybe he does but just not enough. My friends say I deserve more and I know I do but that does not stop me from dropping my boundaries for him. But I have learnt I will never drop my boundaries again. Funny enough it has been 45 days exactly no contact and tonight I almost sent him a message until I saw your message. I do deserve more and I miss him but I think I miss the attention and how I felt with him. Don't do this to yourself. You are killing yourself slowly. He blocked me by the way when I called him out on his shitty behaviour. Dont block him, I find it cruel but that's is me... but if you dont block him be stong enough to not communicate. He does not want you and you can find someone who would do that travel for you. Saying that, I still miss him and would travel for him today still but he doesn't deserve me and never will I need to move on and so must you.

YANBU

Also I echo some of the pp's comments about not getting on the train without some communication in advance regarding the plan, where to meet, are we going for food/drinks or just straight to bed? Etc. That discussion would have taken place for me way before I even got on the train. Otherwise I'd not have got on the train.

I used that term given the context of what his message implied. Jumping straight off the train after a long journey and into his bed. Where he is there waiting after his gym session.

it is not indicative of my views on sex generally, or that it’s only for men’s pleasure.

I’m 100% with you op! There is no-one I would choose to spend my free time with that I wouldn’t show the common courtesy of meeting them somewhere convenient. If a friend/lover/minor acquaintance were travelling to see me, I would be there to meet them at the station! We would both know where we were meeting, and I damn sure would not be at the gym or anywhere else at their eta. He doesn’t care about you. Don’t waste another ounce of your time, effort or company on this self centred twit xxx

Oh god please don’t message your guy as a result of this thread!

I’m sorry you’re so hurt but I’m honestly not this emotionally invested. I’m annoyed at myself more than anything for ignoring my instincts.

I’m not killing myself slowly and nor should you be. Good luck xx 😕

@Moonlightandroses44
I wasn't just referring to you - a few people have used similar passive terms like "expects you to make yourself sexually available" or similar. Wording that implies a passive approach in which women give to men as almost a favour, rather than actively enjoy sex themselves. My point was simply that, even after a long train journey, if I was meeting a man I found attractive and liked I'd be wanting to jump right into his bed too, so I don't understand the passivity in these comments. Obviously you didn't and that's no judgement on you - you feel how you feel. Just my observation on some of the general wording used (not just by you).

Sadly this kind of behaviour - "bait-and-switch"- is fairly common in dating. I think you have to have experienced dating recently to get a feel for it!

Like @vapourtrail said - guys building up a fake sense of intimacy and respectful connection, then changing the goalposts and sabotaging or disregarding anything thats not sex related. They want to train the woman to only communicate on sex things.

Its passive-aggressive- they don't want to say directly "I just want a sex thing with bedroom and gone".

Because if they say that and get into that market, then women have a LOT more choice than them, or won't engage in the first place, or will only go for young alpha males local to her.

They want the woman attached and available and going out of her way, but they don't have to be kind back.

So you get guys on online dating who will suggest a normal "out meet", then somehow every place is closed and they're running late from work.

Then the plan changes to them coming round with a bottle of wine...

So you suggest meeting for a coffee next week. Messaging back to keen and friendly and normal!

but then on the day they can't find anywhere to park and all the coffee shops have burnt down, can they just park at yours ...

Disagree.

It's possible to really enjoy sex and find it mutually beneficial but only if it's within a dynamic with a person when you feel appreciated as a person also.

I don't enjoy sex if I feel like I'm being used. Love, love, love it when we are both really enjoying each other as people and there's affection and a bond there (outside of sex).

That doesn't mean that I think that sex is primarily for males benefits, just that sex in those circumstances for me would be.

Having said that it does sound (as others have said) like the straw that broke the camels back for you, OP. I read through the text exchange a few times which, on the surface for me, didn't seem awful. But if you've been feeling unappreciated for a while and that was the final straw then it makes more sense.

@kkloo that's fine we can disagree 🤷‍♀️

100% There’s a difference between enjoying each other when you both feel respected, and being expected to enjoy it when you’re essentially being treated like a piece of meat

YABVU

I can't believe that so many people have told you you're unreasonable.

Meeting people at the train station is standard for any kind of friendship, especially if it's a long journey, because people normally want to maximise the amount of time they have together. Why would the standards be lower for a sexual partner? I get met at the station if I go to visit a friend, or a cousin, and the same if they're coming to meet me.

He demonstrated to you that he wasn't excited to see you as soon as possible, and he certainly didn't value spending time with you outside the bedroom, if he could be in the gym or relaxing on his own at the hotel instead.

I can't fathom how people are insinuating that you have a problem with how you think of sex, simply because you've noticed his attitude towards you!

You weren't unreasonable and I bloody hope I'd have got back on the train as well.

But why go to the gym at all knowing that your girlfriend has just travelled two hours to see you after a day's work and that her train will be arriving imminently? The size of the suitcase is irrelevant, the fact is she would have a case and in those circumstances it only takes basic human consideration to offer to help with it, especially when the walk involves going uphill.

I wouldn't have taken offence to the text, but clearly you were not getting what you wanted from the relationship.

"Honestly I am lost for how to say what I want to without being rude. If you were my daughter I'd be telling you to give your head a shake about your attitude to communication and about your princessy "he should have checked up on me the next day" which pp do you NO favours by encouraging.

Whether this guy is the one or it's some future guy, you will HAVE to learn to have mature constructive discussions. Because no relationship just falls into place without minor teething issues like this one."

Those 2 paragraphs are what I said I would tell her to give her head a shake about if she were my daughter.

Not a single one of my posts has pushed her to stick with that guy.

It is precisely because dating these days is such a minefield that I have been urging OP to find better ways to handle things and to be more sensible about what she chooses as sticking points.

So that she doesn't get all in her feelings just because another guy doesnt text her again as soon as she thinks he should after he texted her very nicely a few hours earlier, or because he fails to read her mind.

And learns to handle things more constructively. To reduce chance of dumping a good un because he failed some minor test or being dumped by a good un if she reacted that way again.

Suggesting picking up the phone instead of texting in those circumstances is a constructive suggestion.

So I suggest you redirect your bitterness to where it belongs, abusive men, rather than someone who is giving constructive suggestions on how to not throw a future good one out (or be dropped by one) over petty, easily fixable, reasons.

Your comment about my standards being low is offensive as at no point did I say that particular guy was a catch. You just twisted my context due to misdirecting your bitterness at me.

As for your patronising maybes about my experience. Abusive men did exist before OLD so don't assume only younger, or less settled, ones than me can have experienced it.

As for modern day dating, I have eyes and ears, and family/friends of different ages and read a lot about peoples' experiences. So maybe you should make fewer assumptions and, as I said, please redirect your bitterness back to its source.

I assume you are being deliberately obtuse in choosing to think my urging OP to learn to communicate better refers to texting him sooner (although she could have) .

It has been clear that it refers to picking up the phone, from the train at 18:35 (when she gets the "bed" text) to say "tbh i'm hoping you could meet me at the station"

instead of spending 50 mins brooding about a flirty joke he made then sending that really rubbish text and spending 2hours(?) miserable waiting for return train before going home in a strop.

(btw your bias shows hugely such as in the way you describe him as "he couldn’t be arsed to get his arse out of the gym! "... for all we know he could have been nearly finished by the time she texted and she hadn't even asked him to meet her anyway).