To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Mixed thoughts on this tbh. On the one hand, yes, he could have met you, and yes, you've been doing most of the legwork, and yes, he could have texted to say 'safe journey' or some such. But he was unthinking, a lot of people are, and you could have addressed it in a much better way.

Having said that, if I'd have been him and in the first throes of a potential relationship, and if you'd sent that text to me I'd have responded the same way he did and run for the hills, whether justified or not. If you could be so blunt and confrontational (plus the flouncing) this early on, what the hell will you be like if the relationship became serious.

It’s good you trusted your reaction, OP.

As you can see from all the women licking this man’s arse, no one else will protect you but you.

@Moonlightandroses44

I wish you all the best whatever you decide. I hope it"s clear that I wasn't trying to insult you, even with princessy label. It's just the simplest way to refer to a certain type of thinking that you seem to have taken to extremes as far as that day/night waa concerned.

I was not trying to push you back towards that guy specifically.

Just trying to suggest (but yes pushily, sorry because you were being pushed hard the other way too, being told your handling of it was fine) that at some point you'll need to find a more constructive way of handling such situations/feelings..

Because you will have some differences to negotiate in any relationship.

Surely even the guy saying he'd meet you with flowers etc can't be an exact replica of your idea of a suitable man. Even he could eventually, unknowingly, fail some test that he didn't even know mattered to you unless you had talked about such things.

If you continue to handle minor disappointments/misunderstanding like you did that night, instead of just talking, you could push away a good one over some little easily sortable thing.

No not exclusive. But obviously sleeping together, I had assumed we were exclusive and didn’t feel insecure about it but this just made me feel like I was a convenient shag for him.

I don't understand this.

It wasn't exclusive, you say.

But you assumed you were...(why was that?)

This whole drama is that what you wanted and what he was offering were very different and you're cross at yourself for not bein aware of that.

(And ignoring all the signs because, as you said, it's years since you felt like this about a guy.)

You should try to learn from this and analyse your own behaviour, and maybe you can avoid the pitfalls next time.

You verbally abused the OP and were deleted for it. So arrogant to think that OP should still listen to you.

OP I don’t know what absolutely snake belly slow bar mumsnetters have on here, but expect more! Jeez, I was cringing at what he said to you.
He absolutely made zero effort when you are doing everything and you can just meet him in reception and head up to bed basically?
yeah, no thanks.
Never put in that level of effort when it it isn’t reciprocated.
If you’d carried on that would have been your life, making all the effort and being treated second rate.
You set your standard, well done you and don’t listen to the women on here saying otherwise. These are the women that post about men that won’t marry them, men that disappear all night with mates and leave them with kids and housework. Men that treat them as they have allowed themselves to be treated from the start!

I think that’s reasonable on the whole soapie. But her reaction was emotional because she was hurt and in this situation I don’t think there’s anything to go back and talk to him calmly about. Neither does he see any point it would seem …

How can there be so many posts about something so simple?!

Woman likes man and goes to huge efforts to look nice and travel to see him.

Man, who obviously wants sex, doesn't make much effort. Perhaps not really that keen as it's not an exclusive set up.

Woman is angry and turns back immediately, and dumps him.
Man doesn't respond which annoys her even more.

And?

That's dating for you.

Move on and chalk him and it up to experience.

I’ve read a lot of the most idiotic opinions in this thread, ranging from the fixation on a heavy suitcase to “ohh it’s a compliment” for him to go to the gym and be in bed waiting.

If this is all some people can offer up as advice we are doomed. Whilst others just love antagonism because they are bored then they should be branded with doormat or nasty bitch on their foreheads. Also some people also need to learn to read all the post before spouting out a pile of “gbs**e”.

OP you are absolutely correct to act upon your opinion of the events. You keep being you, because you know your worth, and it’s certainly a lot more than what Uber eats man charm offensive could offer.
For those who stated they would have gone to the hotel after his text, well there’s always some that set the bar low and shut up and put up.

Did you ask him to meet you at the station? If you felt so strongly about this second part of your journey why didn't you book a cab in advance or ask him?

There are so many posts because - disappointingly to me, but obviously quite reasonably to others- lots of women think man is perfectly entitled to this.

Just in response to people saying I should have met him and spoken to him.

I sat and thought about that for a good 40 minutes, during which time he knew I’d arrived but hadn’t asked if I was ok. Like it would have been clear something was up and there was no warmth in his subsequent text. I wasn’t game playing. I genuinely had no idea what to say. I was trying to process my reaction and why it was so apparently ‘extreme’ to what on the face of it should have been innocuous.

so the choice was either go with my gut and go home, or ignore my gut, meet him, allow him to potentially gaslight me and tell me I’m being dramatic. And then feel uncomfortable. Because really I think I was reacting to a whole plethora of small things that culminated in that message.

when he hasn’t called or said anything else to reassure me I was overreacting (before I’d said anything) or just a text saying, hey, are you ok? It kind of just confirmed my gut feeling. So then I couldn’t ignore it and allow him the opportunity to talk me down. If that makes sense.

I think I would have felt rubbish about myself and unsure of myself if I’d gone against my intuition at that point.

There's no rule that she has to be picked up at the station. Of course she could find her own way to the hotel. And maybe some women are happy with that. Others like to be treated with a little more care and consideration maybe and to me it would be nicer to be met by someone looking forward to seeing the other person. Neither is wrong or right - we all have our preferences and surely dating is figuring out whether your preferences are compatible?

My nephew goes to work 6 days a week - 10 hour days. His wife (who also works 5 days a week - mostly from home) does all the cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. He does the garden. He turns his pay over to her and he gets an allowance. Very old fashioned maybe but it works for them. Not the way I want a relationship - but we are all different and if you can find someone compatible that's great. Obviously the op's expectations weren't met.

YABU but only for describing two hours as a long journey.

He sounds inconsiderate.
Chances are if you feel like he's being offhand and underinvested, you're not imagining it.

Yeah....just as likely she'll filter out a lot of undesirables by keeping her standards high.
I know which I'd prefer.

If she's moved on then great. But she was obviously conflicted enough to post this in the first place.

Sounds long to me at the end of a working day. Especially if on arrival I have to provide sex. Makes me feel 😴🥱🛌

But he was unthinking, a lot of people are, and you could have addressed it in a much better way.

Yes a lot of people are unthinking . Why should OP be running around after someone who is unthinking and unbothered though? If he can’t be putting in any effort at this stage it doesn’t exactly bode well for the future. Personally I don’t want to spend time with people who are unthinking. I’ve divorced one and regret the wasted years. I’m far happier on my own then with someone who is ‘unthinking’

And he is allowed to be “ unthinking” but she has to be “ thinking”, calm, rational and eloquent. The only real lack of thinking was before she agreed to always travel to him anyway. Sent entirely the wrong message. But that makes me a princess I guess 👸🏻

I think you would have regretted possibly staying the night OP.

My feeling is that essentially you are classier than a person who just wants a “shagging” (had no idea people still said that!) and the little red flags along the way were probably telling you that he’s on a different page.

Why do you set such higher standards for women than you do for men?

Your internalised misogyny is sad.

My partner always picked me up from the station when we first started dating, and still does now many years later! I often had a suitcase as well, as my parents live in Jersey, so sometimes I'd be coming straight from the airport. If he was unable to do so, he would have organised a taxi for me.

He doesn't sound like a gentleman, and I'm sure in the long run, you're better off without him.

The only sentence that anyone could possibly find hard to read (if they were desperate to find fault was

"They don't always you know? And yes it is possible to watch an app, but nicer and exciting if meeting is excitedly anticipated to hear person is on their way"

1st part... trains don't always run on time so he wouldnt necessarily know her final arrival time

next part... there are train apps that journeys can be followed on but
.next part... if he is excitedly anticipating the meet up, it could be nicer and mildly exciting to receive a text saying she's a step closer (on the train)

but judging from your claim in your later post that anyone advising against princessiness is sucking up to the guy...i'm guessing you don't care what may make it more pleasant for a guy

just as long as he follows the checklist of minor things that he is supposed to mind read

It wasn’t mind-reading by the time she told him it made her feel used. She was still at the station: he could have attempted to patch things up then without any mind reading being necessary. In relationships people do get upset. It’s a human way of signalling distress and hurt.

I don't see how he followed up, realistically? If it was a flippant reply which he didn't really mean, you would expect him to follow up with something like "Just joking, I'll meet you outside the station" or "Are you OK getting to the hotel?" or something similar. But his only follow up was half an hour after OP's train got in, so in effect he was just saying "Why aren't you here yet?" And why just leave it there for over an hour?