To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

I've read the entire thread over the course of the day!
I totally get why you went home, OP. I've had those moments of clarity too.
But it does sound like he meant what he said as a joke and is a bit gutted at your reaction. He may be waiting for things to blow over a bit before getting in touch again . I'm not sure his texts warrant what you sent back. It's clear you had been pissed off for some time though and not just from the days events.
The Uber eats comparison is bizarre. The only person who has said that is you.
Turn this on its head a moment. Why are you the one who feels like they are being used for sex? Why can you not go and have a nice time and use his hotel and enjoy it? You are in control.
I think clear communication from the outset next time would be better.
Throw this one back, you aren't right for each other. Hope you've enjoyed a quiet warm evening after your long dark busy night you had earlier this week.

I would have been seriously unimpressed with him not coming to the station.

Not sure I would have gone home again but not sure I wouldn't either. Would depend how invested I was and how bothered about him.

I just don't understand why people don't communicate properly. That's me on the train - looking forward to catching up. Will you meet me at train station? Normal stuff. Plans, arrangements !

@SoapiesChoice

Nothing about your posts are mature or constructive or helpful to women or to anyones daughters. Repeatedly adding in those kind of words and referring to yourself as a sensible communicator and all of that other stuff you said makes it true.

Where have you got this narrative about princessy women out ruining relationships with good men? Seems like you've just made it up in your head

same here. I don't get in a two hour train trip with out previous good comms, a clear plan as to where I'm going and if someone is going to pick me up or not. This applies to fuck buddies, boyfriends, MIL or female work colleagues.

There is a strange double standard at play here in some posts.

OP should have messaged him during the day whilst she was at work to confirm all plans but also shouldn’t have expected him to text her during work hours because he was probably working hard, or too busy, or just unthinking.

It was OP’s responsibility as the one travelling to make sure that she knew exactly what they were doing, but not his responsibility to confirm the plans even though they were largely dependent on him and his whereabouts given she was solely travelling for their meeting.

Say she had have planned for him to meet her at the station, should she have also been responsible for checking if the plans had changed as plans can have a habit of doing?

OP should have kept him updated on her journey progress or at the very least messaged to say that she had arrived at the station, but he didn’t need to text her to say he’d arrived at the hotel.

By not confirming he’d arrived she needed to check where they were meeting - not unreasonable or odd particularly given he’s also previously met her at a station if she was travelling to see him. For all she knew in the interim from the morning text to the ‘meet in bed’ text he could have decided to make a restaurant reservation for them, or finished early and gone for a drink to wait for her arrival.

If I am meeting a friend/DH for a drink I’ll text to say I’ve arrived at the bar/pub and ask them what they want to drink. I’ll also probably text again to say where I’m sat/stood particularly if it’s busy. This to me is common courtesy. So if he was at the hotel in time to feel he could squeeze in a gym session, he had time to say “I’m at the hotel, shall we meet at reception?”

OP may have still found that a red flag for the low effort, but posing it as a question could have invited another question “Can you meet me at the station?” By making a statement - I’ll meet you in reception when you get here - he wasn’t opening a dialogue.

Ultimately if he knew her train arrived at 7 and he was in the gym at that time, he hadn’t planned his time well or hadn’t planned to meet her.

OP doesn’t say if she’s been to the location the hotel was in before. Perhaps it is somewhere this guy knows well or at least better than her given he was there for work. A 10 minute walk in the rain carrying or wheeling a heavy case may actually be longer if you’re trying to navigate with Google maps on your phone in your other hand and maybe juggle an umbrella too, or a little quicker if you have an extra pair of hands helping with your case and directing you where you need to go, cross the road etc.

Whatever, I can’t even be bothered to read all that

🤣🤣🥱🥱

Absolutely fine to disagree on the circumstances in which we individually enjoy sex.

However, it comes across as very 'pick me girl' to try to make out that women who aren't up for sex where they feel like the only thing the man wants from is sex... must think sex is only for mens pleasure 😂

Being on the OP's side and had I been in her shoes I would have texted this guy at noon with a cheeky but clear message: "Hi Joe, I got up really early today and have a long day ahead of work, then jumping on the train to travel to you which means I'm going to be a bit knackered and in need of some hugs, a glass of wine and someone to pick me up in the station. This lady will need some TLC -wink wink- and help with her suitcase. Let me know if you're game for that :-)"

Depending on his response I would head or not to the station. Some men are pretty thick so you need to explain yourself clearly.

Yep @SoapiesChoice you really picked an apt name. You are really enjoying being up on that soapbox about this topic.

Have you considered running your own seminars on how princesses can learn to effectively communicate so that they don't ruin things with all of these good men?

I definitely wouldn't be offended by the bed comment, sounds like a flirty joke to me.
I also wouldn't be bothered about them not meeting me at the station if it was in walking distance. I think you were being a bit dramatic, but sounds like the long distance was getting to you and maybe it's for the best.

YANBU.

similar tale: first two times I travelled, I was met at the station. Third time: ‘get a taxi, see you here.’ Fourth time I found myself knocking on the door in the rain to no response, and ringing to say I was there, and feeling completely taken for granted when he opened the door to let me in. I wouldn’t treat any guest like this, and I felt very undervalued. His interest had completely waned, and he ghosted me thereafter.

You wanted him to act like a caring boyfriend. Instead he acted like, well, a guy waiting for his no-strings sex. Not worth pursuing if that's not what you want

He proved he’s not that into you, you did the right thing. Also, did he have dinner without you?! Or was he planning dinner after the sex! I would have been starving by then with no dinner 😂

Lots of low bars on this thread I see!

I agree with HarrietTheFireStarter "I think it's fine if you block him and it's also fine if you two get through this. All.that matters is that you're doing what you're comfortable with."

That's not a surprise, since it makes valid points including that you are patronising towards long married women as if they couldn't have dated around b4 marriage and met sleezebags. And/or heard others' modern stories of dating.

I'm curious though why you chose to scream at me "why should she have to communicate" in amongst vitriol aimed at the guy.

It's doing OP a disservice... encouraging her to make that a hill to die on, that a guy should always be the one to get in touch to plan stuff.

It may lead her to ditch (or be ditched by, if she does the same overreaction again) a really good guy who is used to women who speak up if they want to know something, or want him to do something. Who would fail that test by not even realising it's a thing.

Omg 🤣🤣🤣

"this thread has been so interesting though. I’ve had one of the brownies and feel a bit better!"

Good for you OP.

What I cannot understand is if I were the man and got that text the first thing I would do is call and say, I'm sorry, I think there was a misunderstanding... or whatever.

@SoapiesChoice
For gods sake
Why do you keep going on about the texting first and making out that that's the only factor? Are you unable to read between the lines? Or even read the actual lines? 😐🤔Because you seem to have got it in your head that the OP ditched this man simply because he didn't text her first.

Good guys tend to have a bit of emotional intelligence so you're trying to solve a problem that doesn't actually exist.

Yes of course men vary. The point is a guy can do something like that differently to another guy without being a bad un.

My 2nd point says the same as yours. I said
"If I were him, I'd have to have been getting close to you, already feeling like a steady boyfriend, to do anything now other than write you off as a princessy drama queen based on how you handled that small disappointment that was of your own making by expecting your mind to be read."

I was saying unless they'd got close already she'd probably get written off.

But really, how close can they have been that she couldn't just call him when she didn't like the bed reply? Or have texted earlier about meeting at station. Either would avoid all the drama. Are you trying to hold him to higher standards than her?

You mention your guys who would text you all day.
If you were unsure how to take something they texted when you had almost arrived for a date, would you just torpedo the date or ask for clarification?

Insightful analysis! You're spot on about this behaviour.

Hard agree

Gross. This would creep me out more. As if I'm
being paid for sex in return.