To block him after this? (Text exchange)

[Moonlightandroses44]

A few months into dating. All seemed fine, some minor red flags but I second guessed my intuition. I had actually dared to let myself like this guy.

He lives quite far away but was travelling for work, so got a hotel for a couple of nights so we could also see each other. Ultimately though he was here primarily for his plans. This place was still nearly two hours on the train for me with changeover times. But seemed like a nice idea although I had to travel after work and it meant having to get up super early. I always do most of the travelling to see him, it makes sense for various reasons and I would normally be ok with it as long as it’s appreciated and recognised.

He was texting totally normally in the morning. Saying he was excited to see me. Then nothing from 10am until 30 mins before my train gets in at 7pm, which he knows. So I eventually ask where we’re meeting and I get this. I am obviously the green! Might need to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

To me it was a sleazy and lazy response and made me feel like I was being totally used and gross. He then says nothing when I don’t respond for ages to attempt to correct in case he just wasn’t thinking or could see it might have landed wrong.

AIBU to have literally turned around and gone home?! I had to wait two hours for the next train back. I got home at 1am. He literally has not said anything. Nor have I! Hasn’t checked I got home ok. I am contemplating just blocking but I’m still in shock.

Even if it were a misunderstanding or I was overreacting (possible), I am shocked at how cold he was and the complete U-turn and then silence. Like… what the hell happened?

The hotel was probably a ten minute walk from him tops. I mean, a simple, looking forward to seeing you, are you ok getting a taxi here? Would have sufficed.

Why are you saying you did all the travelling (2 hours is not huge either btw) when I assume he must have travelled too to be able to justify the hotel through work. He also travelled, right?

but judging from your claim in your later post that anyone advising against princessiness is sucking up to the guy...i'm guessing you don't care what may make it more pleasant for a guy

No, I don’t care what makes it more pleasant for a guy who sounds like a lazy, womanising prick. OP is well rid.

Good for you! He clearly does not give a shit. His initial response and then silence after show that.
Well done for standing up for yourself! More women should do that.

@Moonlightandroses44 I had something similar and my friends were torn over whether I had been rash or not but I have zero regrets.

My situation was the I had been seeing a guy for about a month, been meeting once a week, texting every day, various times a day, speaking on the phone every other day. He also lived about 90 mins away but we always met in a city half way between both of us. We both have kids so we were limited by custody etc.

Any way, I went away with my DC for a week over half term, the week before I left we saw each other twice in the week (no sex just kissing) He asked if when I got back he could come and see me in my town on a Friday night and we could go for dinner near me, book a restaurant for 8.00? (with the assumption very much was that this would be to stay over for sex and I was fine for that.)

The Friday arrived and he called the night before and we chatted like normal and he said he wasn't sure if he was going to drive or get the train to mine. I said it was up to him but that at that time on a Friday night driving would be about 2 hours, train would be about 90 mins, so up to him. Friday came, I had the usual Morning text but then nothing until around 3.00 so I thought I would text him to see what his plans were and he said, Still not sure if driving, but finishing soon, I said ok great see you later. At 5.30 he texted again saying he had got held up with work and was leaving soon and was going to drive.

And I am sure I will also be called a drama queen / princess, but fuck that. At that time on the M25 he wasn't going to be arriving for over 2 hours and like you, I thought he hasn't made any effort during the day to let me know his plans, or to check in, he could have told me at any point that he was running late. Just felt like it was timed for him to arrive Oops, we've missed the restaurant reservation, let's just stay at yours and I get sex. No thanks. Maybe I do have too much pride but I rather that than be in a situation where I feel like I have been used for sex. So I sent him a message saying Don't bother coming, it will be too late and we will have missed the restaurant booking, and I never heard from him again!

But I can honestly say, no regrets, I'd much much rather be over the top and show too much pride than too little.

Good luck OP whatever you decide!

Some people really must live on a different planet.

It's very obvious that you were reacting to the whole sequence of events plus the gut feeling you had.

And that's how things tend to go in the real world.

All this nonsense people are on about like having to be a mind reader or to be psychic etc. it's just ridiculous.

People generally can tell when the vibe changes. I've had people pick up on it with me straight away too. Humans are pretty perceptive like that and when we sense someone is off with us we tend to be right.

That one poster going on and on about how you said he didn't text you first and that's what it's all about reminds me of that meme about how men like to leave the context out of arguments.

Man goes to KFC with his ex
Man says to his girlfriend "You really mad at me for eating chicken?" 🙄

I think you over-reacted to his jokey comment after a long and tiring day. You seem resentful of having to make the long journey to meet him, despite having agreed to do it. I wouldn't expect a friend or a boyfriend to come out and meet me at the station if they were already at the hotel. Couldn't you have just jumped in a taxi from the station to the hotel?

OP please believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's sad that we are now in a society that feels chivalry is overrated and that it's acceptable for a woman to be berrated for wanting the man whom is spending the evening with her to meet her off the train, after a 2 hour journey and what sounds like a hellish day... Whilst in the meantime, he spent the day in one meeting and then chilling, having a gym session and then went to wait 'in bed'... Who ever said romance was dead, is not wrong!
As frustrating as it was for you, I for one think you did the right thing.
The response of 'Ok' is not ok! If the 'in bed' response had meant to be a cheeky and flirtatious, he got it wrong not you. IMO if it was supposed to be a bit cheeky then by all means send it but don't follow it up with 'ok', he should have responded with something like 'I'm sorry, please don't go, you've come all this way! Let's have a nice evening together'... etc etc. He has made absolutely no effort to rectify his not 'ok' response. There are plenty more lovely men out there who would appreciate the effort you made in order for you both to have a nice evening! You just need to sit tight my lovely, he's out there looking for you. So block and move on... Good luck 💐
ps Don't be put off by any future long distance relationships. That was DH and I for the first 3 years, we are now 27 years together, 24 married, it can work but it takes 2 to make it work

That really isn't the issue, is it? She's saying that it worked better if she took on the burden of the travel. She's not saying that it worked better if he just sat around in the hotel waiting for her to turn up without lifting one finger to help even with getting from the station.

You did the right thing and I would've felt completely the same way - just that sinking feeling...

I'm hoping that you're now feeling like a weight has been lifted or you've dodged a bullet rather than regretful - if so just hold that feeling and use it to move onwards and upwards

Wow OP I thought I'd just apologise for the people on here who clearly are either deranged or are secretly the man you were meeting sending you d**k pics from a hotel room (or night has well have been!). I just wanted to say I would have been annoyed too. If you are the one doing all the travel (and it ain't just 'sitting on your arse btw keyboard warriors tucked up in your cosy homes) then yeah I'd have turned around too.
Have any of you commuted for 2 hours recently? Or dated? In answer to both of these questions I doubt it.....

If the shoe was on the other foot I'm sure you'd have been telling OP to get to the train station. What happened to women supporting women???????!!
Hugs, ice cream and wine to you OP in future lesson is to find someone willing to travel / put equal effort in.

I would t have turned around and gone home ( purely because I couldn’t haves faced another couple of hours on the train after a busy day) but I think you made the correct decision, if he cared and valued you he would have called you by now to see if you were ok.

I wouldn’t contact him again if I were you, you dodged a bullet.

I actually admire the fact you got back on the train and went home, sounds like an exhausting day though!

@vapourtrail thank you for sharing that ❤️

I think in situations such as this… even if you’d got it wrong. It’s their subsequent reaction that speaks volumes.

I'm with you @Moonlightandroses44 - I would have gone to the station to meet my friend. Having said that, I think he's under the impression that you two are just sex buddies - I wonder if you were hoping for more? Someone on here said 'you had a moment of clarity' and I'm afraid I think they're right. I'm so sorry it didn't work out but if I were you, I'd block and move on. Good luck.

I sat and thought about that for a good 40 minutes, during which time he knew I’d arrived but hadn’t asked if I was ok

And his hotel was a 10 min walk away and still he didn't move off his arse/bed to come and find you!

Well rid OP.

You don’t sound well matched. I personally would easily loose track of time at the gym and wouldn’t assume someone coming for a 2 day break had a massive suitcase… so I’m finding the guy more relatable than you. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here. Just really different expectations.

Internalised misogyny my arse.

I simply could not be bothered with the mental effort required to second guess my every move or my partner's every thought. Been there, done that, not doing it again.

She was stewing, he didn't know, she communicated her upset in a confrontational way, he ran for the hills. The end.

You are unreasonable for expecting him to reply to your behaviour (dumping him.)

Men are generally better at moving on.

Maybe when your hurt wears off a bit, and you can accept that as this wasn't exclusive (but you 'assumed' it was- how can you assume that when you know it wasn't? ) you can see that he wasn't invested as you thought.
Your feelings now are ones of anger but that's as much with yourself, as him.

You're angry for imagining there was more in this than there was.

Even if he did behave thoughtlessly, try to understand you had expectations of him that were not realistic. You'd fooled yourself and created something in your mind that didn't exist.

You have to take some responsibility for your misplaced emotions/reading the room wrongly, as much as blaming him for his behaviour.

Ok I agree that the “appreciate he’s staying in shape for you” comment is stupid, he was in the gym for himself not you. But this OP… you didn’t have to do any of it. It literally wouldn’t occur to me to do most of this like shaving (I don’t shave anything anymore but when I did, i wouldn’t schedule it for dates, love me love my stubble) I don’t even own any heels nor would I have taken a change of clothes, I would’ve given myself extra time in bed by not showering and asking him to shower at the hotel once I arrived. The face, nails, eyebrows… you should do that stuff for you if you want to, not for men! I’d never do all of that for a date and never had any complaints. This is absolutely a choice you made and not a given that you had to do it and I’d think very unfavourably of any man who expected it.

Ultimately you feel how you feel and can end a dating situation for any reason you want so I don’t think you’re wrong as such but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either. It’s just different expectations. I wouldn’t meet someone at the station or expect it, and if someone was coming just for a night or two I’d assume they had a rucksack or at most a weekend type hold-all not a heavy suitcase! Christ I’ve been on a week’s holiday with just a rucksack. If you wanted meeting you should’ve asked, I don’t think you communicated your expectations well.

I think expectations of someone to just behave like a courteous human being are pretty realistic.

this was the thing, I hadn’t ’read the room’ wrongly. He was behaving as though he was more into it than me. He hasn’t seemed uninterested or low effort before this. He met me at the station every time before this. He was the one chasing. Making plans. I reciprocated with genuine interest. It felt mutual.

I take full responsibility for ignoring the little red flags when I shouldn’t have done. I think his comment tapped into that. Which was why I reacted how I did. I’m angry at myself for ignoring my gut.

but no I genuinely don’t think I overly emotionally invested despite it being unwarranted.

I like doing that stuff in a normal dating situation.

but for someone who doesn’t care enough about me to walk a few minutes down the road to meet me off a train? Not so much. That’s the difference.

I’ve explained the ‘heavy case’ so many times. It’s getting a bit mad 😂

You did the right thing

Sounds like one of those types who subtly trains women to accept lower and lower standards.

It's normal evening chat to check if people have eaten

(do you want to go for a drink, what works for you... that kind of thing....)

I agree to just block, chalk up to experience, and move on. He's not your friend or your man.

Yes and she will. Most women do beat themselves up for a while about ignoring red flags or if they let a situation go on for so long or even for going near a man in the first place, once they've got over him and then wonder what they saw in him 😄

She's allowed to be angry at him now though, it's normal and part of the process for a lot of people when relationships/situationships/whatever they are end.

As for the 'men are generally better at moving on' comment. I don't know if that's accurate, but they're definitely better at ignoring and then popping up later acting like nothing happened. I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if she hears nothing from this man for months and then he pops up with a "Hey, how are you?" 🙄

Shit. The wine on here with low bars is really worrying.