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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance vs working hard and never getting anywhere

208 replies

Anonymouseky · 22/02/2024 15:57

I know people will probably pounce on me for feeling like this, but I need to vent. I’ve always been very supporting and happy for other people when good things happen to them, but I am starting to feel really resentful over something.

I work really hard and have a stressful job (teacher). I tried hard at school and have always given my best in everything I have done. I always imagined that one day my hard work would pay off and I would be able to afford a decent standard of living. That is unfortunately not the case. I am a single parent and have no family nearby to help with childcare, so the wages don’t go far. Their dad does contribute, but with the cost of living… well, I’m sure many of you can see what I mean.

I’ve never been a jealous or resentful person and haven’t compared myself to others. In fact, I’ve always been quite happy plodding on. However, in the last few years, I’ve started to feel a bit resentful as all of my closest friends have been given large sums of money/ inheritance from relatives (some of them multiple handouts). I’ve had lots of back handed compliments about my ‘little house’ and outright nasty ones about how crap modern houses are (mine is modern and was all I could afford at the time). They will openly brag about their large character properties and discuss how they can work reduced hours or not at all due to inheritance and partner’s income. One of my friends hasn’t worked for years and has just been gifted another several hundred thousand pounds so can now afford to buy several other houses. Meanwhile I can’t afford to buy one outright.

I work so bloody hard and never seem to catch a break. I’ve never been given anything monetary like my friends have. One day I may inherit but my father has decided to look after his long term partner first and foremost, so I may never actually inherit. It’s not about the money in that case, as if he spent it all enjoying his inheritance I would be understanding and supportive. Rather, it’s about feeling like an after thought/ not important/ not a priority/ etc.

Anyway, I just want to vent. I feel like I’m destined to slog my guts out, never receive a helping hand like my friends have, and have my nose rubbed in it in the process. I know life is unfair (believe me I know that acutely due to other life/ health events). Just seems unfair that I work the hardest out of all my friends (and I don’t say that lightly) and yet seem to have the hardest time.

OP posts:
TheBerry · 23/02/2024 17:25

I think most people are in your position, and it’s just unusual that you’ve got so many friends who’ve been given multiple £100k+ handouts. Most people do not have that, nor can they afford to give up work, nor can they afford character properties in the country.

So you are comparing yourself to people who are not the norm.

I expect I’d be envious if I was surrounded by millionaires, too!

By the average person’s standard you’re doing absolutely fine.

Underestimated4 · 23/02/2024 18:13

I do understand this. I have a friend who’s never wanted to better herself but expects her husbands to be high flying. With two separations behind her and nearly £1000 on maintenance a month she frequently brags about a lifestyle which includes parents paying her mortgage and topping up her income a month It’s frustrating.

KvotheTheBloodless · 23/02/2024 19:15

Inheritance perpetuates inequality. In real life you'd never eliminate it (you'd get people gifting it/tying it up in trusts) but Inheritance tax ought to be higher and trusts/work-arounds clamped down on.

I say this as someone likely to inherit a shitload, with one DC who will inherit loads too. I'm not going to say no to it, or refuse to help my beloved DS, but if it was legally the norm not to Inherit much, society would be far more equal.

Namenotimportant85 · 23/02/2024 21:00

I get what your saying but…
myself and my husband have both received inheritances. Mine was from grandparents and my husband’s was from his dad who passed away suddenly in a RTC. We would give any thing to have him back with us, I’d trade the money back and would rather be broke for the rest of my life then keep living in the nightmare that we have because of that accident. We don’t feel ourselves to be lucky at all. One of those situations that money doesn’t bring happiness.
your friends shouldn’t be making comments about your house tho!

ssd · 23/02/2024 21:41

Being lucky to get an inheritance is just that, its luck your parent owned a property to sell when they passed on. I don't know anyone who feels lucky to lose that parent or anyone who would say another person was lucky to loose that parent. Its usually always heartbreaking to experience this loss, especially a sudden harrowing loss out the blue.

Butterdishy · 23/02/2024 21:42

Namenotimportant85 · 23/02/2024 21:00

I get what your saying but…
myself and my husband have both received inheritances. Mine was from grandparents and my husband’s was from his dad who passed away suddenly in a RTC. We would give any thing to have him back with us, I’d trade the money back and would rather be broke for the rest of my life then keep living in the nightmare that we have because of that accident. We don’t feel ourselves to be lucky at all. One of those situations that money doesn’t bring happiness.
your friends shouldn’t be making comments about your house tho!

Everyone dies, not everyone leaves money behind... you're luckier than if they'd died without a penny to their names.

CassandraWebb · 23/02/2024 22:29

I think this is going to get worse and worse. Salary is increasingly irrelevant to lifestyle. So many people I know have inherited or been gifted lottery win levels of money. And my friendship group is fairly ordinary, its just that we live in the south east. I have the most high powered job but most of my friends don't have mortgages to pay /have inherited properties they rent out for extra income.

The divergence will create really fractions and unrest in society I think soon.

CassandraWebb · 23/02/2024 22:30

Butterdishy · 23/02/2024 21:42

Everyone dies, not everyone leaves money behind... you're luckier than if they'd died without a penny to their names.

Show quote history

Exactly. I lost all my grandparents but they left nothing really (in one case due to care home fees, in the other because my uncle swindled them out of most of the value of their house)

It's not just people with inheritances that suffer loss

LindaHamilton · 23/02/2024 23:09

Beezknees · 23/02/2024 07:38

Meh. No point in comparing. I live in a council flat, my mum was a single parent and her income is less than mine so she can't afford to help me financially. I've accepted that I'll be working until I drop!

Get some better friends, mine certainly don't behave like yours.

Even in a council flat you are in a much much better position than many. I am 38 in a box room in a shared house with 8 others...

At least in a council flat it is controlled and reasonable rent and it's yours, you don't have to share with strangers. I'd kill for a council flat, the thought of entering middle age and still being in this situation is very depressing.

LindaHamilton · 23/02/2024 23:11

CassandraWebb · 23/02/2024 22:29

I think this is going to get worse and worse. Salary is increasingly irrelevant to lifestyle. So many people I know have inherited or been gifted lottery win levels of money. And my friendship group is fairly ordinary, its just that we live in the south east. I have the most high powered job but most of my friends don't have mortgages to pay /have inherited properties they rent out for extra income.

The divergence will create really fractions and unrest in society I think soon.

Out of interest how many people do you know were gifted/inherited ''lottery win levels'' of money? I don't mean that in a goady way, I am genuinely intrigued and how much did they get?

winterplumage · 23/02/2024 23:21

Yes, and it's rubbing it in even further when, after tactlessly talking about their wealth while you're on the verge of homelessness, when you finally pluck up the courage to ask them to be more tactful they say, "I had to go through bereavement to receive this money!" thereby in one sweep dismissing the devastating series of deaths of loved ones too young or too poor to have left you anything to help you cope through the years unable to work while you were shaken by grief and looking after dying relatives. In my case, anyway. It's best to stop seeing such friends unless they realise they're being insensitive and cease being so.

laclochette · 23/02/2024 23:29

@LindaHamilton not the person you asked but also in the SE here and I know at least ten friends who have been given at least £200k and in some cases up to £2m towards homes. Several of those still have both parents alive, so this is either from grandparents or via from parents doing inheritance tax planning. I'm from a very ordinary background so it's not my norm, but I've just come to accept it as part and parcel of living in London that a lot of people around me are in this situation! Yet more live in property their parents own etc.

jelliebelly · 23/02/2024 23:37

You really need to find new friends and be grateful for what you do have rather than bitter about what you don’t.

TempleOfBloom · 23/02/2024 23:41

Being a single parent, however it happens, is such a massive economic disadvantage. 18 years parenting and running a home with half the potential income of a couple….it’s a massive gap.

But you have done it OP, you have a good job, you will get a good (very well deserved) pension and you are being a great Mum. A lot to be proud of.

newmummycwharf1 · 23/02/2024 23:55

littleburn · 22/02/2024 18:45

Inherited/generational wealth makes for such a difference in outcomes and it does feel very unfair. There's been a few threads about it recently. You have your peer group of friends and colleagues, you have a decent job, you work hard and it all feels pretty meritocratic. Often it's only when you start buying homes and having kids that you realise just how many of your peers are backed up by generational wealth, and the difference in lifestyle and greater range of options that brings.

I agree it's crap OP, but not much we can do but suck it up - or marry very well!

Same inequality for those who have parents/family to provide childcare and those who dont and end up unable to save/going into debt. Each generation is supposed to help set up the next. We wont all have inheritance or be able to help our kids to the same extent but we can all certainly try to make their lives a little bit better than ours. This may be by providing inheritance, supporting higher education, enabling them to save for a deposit by living with you for a few years without rent etc

Spendysis · 23/02/2024 23:58

I get it op dmil ended up in a care home all her money went on fees dfil left his share of the house to dh and his brothers so we did get £20k

my ddad passed when I was a baby so it’s just been me dm and an older dsis. Dsis has always been financially wreckless lavish holidays home improvements and has borrowed tens of thousands over the years from dm while me and dh have lived a modest life plodding on.

more recently it has come to light dsis has been helping herself to dm money I raised a concern and neither are speaking to me

so i presume i won’t be getting any inheritance now dm is elderly and doesn’t have a great quality of life so while sad her death is inevitable we can manage a frugal retirement but was hoping to use it to help dc with house deposits etc things we never got

so I am also resentful but on a positive note we can at least say everything we have is because we earnt it ourselves

LindaHamilton · 23/02/2024 23:58

laclochette · 23/02/2024 23:29

@LindaHamilton not the person you asked but also in the SE here and I know at least ten friends who have been given at least £200k and in some cases up to £2m towards homes. Several of those still have both parents alive, so this is either from grandparents or via from parents doing inheritance tax planning. I'm from a very ordinary background so it's not my norm, but I've just come to accept it as part and parcel of living in London that a lot of people around me are in this situation! Yet more live in property their parents own etc.

If I was given 2 million I'd put tops 450k of it towards a property and keep/invest the rest. I am in London myself but unless you are on a David Beckham/Ronaldo type budget 2 million quid on a property is pure madness.

Nottodaty · 24/02/2024 00:01

I think you need new friends.

It’s been mentioned to us by one friend that we are the only one who managed to buy a house without an inheritance. They say it with more chuffed for us not looking down at us. Im aware it’s not as lovely as some of their homes but it’s our home and it what we can afford. With little hope of any inheritance we just got on with it.
I do know our friend would give the house back in a heartbeat spend more time with their father.

Shortyp · 24/02/2024 00:18

Most people work hard all their lives too. You are in a club that many people belong to. Life is a slog for most people.

Shortyp · 24/02/2024 00:21

And I work in finance with people who have shit loads of money (clients). They still get ill, they still get old, they still die. Health and happiness are the only things that matter. You will at least have a good pension if nothing else.

MixedCouple · 24/02/2024 00:25

I had friends like that. Got rid of them real quick.
The majority of people are in the same boat as you.

kiimme · 24/02/2024 00:27

I understand it must be frustrating but you have to own the decisions you've made in life. I came from a low income background with no expectation of inheritance or any handouts. I made some bad decisions which left me on benefits at one stage, then later made some smart decisions which have led to me being very well off, entirely through my own making. It's absolutely possible to do well in life with enough determination and through making wise choices. Some people start off with a leg up, but not all of us do yet even those of us who started at the bottom can still own nice houses and have a good lifestyle.

midgetastic · 24/02/2024 00:42

It is not entirely possible for everyone to make it with wise choices

Think about it logically - think about money and resources and societal needs

If everyone "made it" made it would be a lot less than it is now

But the narrative that "hard work is rewarded " is actually part of the great con - makes you feel like it's your fault , that you don't deserve your fair share so the rich can keep it and feel smug

LameBorzoi · 24/02/2024 00:59

I agree that it's not fair, and certainly think that teachers should be paid more,

however- are you sure that the compliments are back handed? Only you can know, but it is easy to read too much into a bit of obliviousness.

IloveAslan · 24/02/2024 02:15

Thank goodness I don't have such bitter, twisted, people in my circle of aquaintances as some of you on this thread! There have always been those who inherit a fortune, those who inherit a comfortable amount, and those who get nothing. It's life, it's not always fair and it never was. Just concentrate on your own lives and stop this ridiculous envy of others.

Incidentally, if any of you in the above category happen to make a fortune, or win the lottery, I do hope you don't leave it to your children because that would be so wrong.