Inheritance vs working hard and never getting anywhere

[Anonymouseky]

I know people will probably pounce on me for feeling like this, but I need to vent. I’ve always been very supporting and happy for other people when good things happen to them, but I am starting to feel really resentful over something.

I work really hard and have a stressful job (teacher). I tried hard at school and have always given my best in everything I have done. I always imagined that one day my hard work would pay off and I would be able to afford a decent standard of living. That is unfortunately not the case. I am a single parent and have no family nearby to help with childcare, so the wages don’t go far. Their dad does contribute, but with the cost of living… well, I’m sure many of you can see what I mean.

I’ve never been a jealous or resentful person and haven’t compared myself to others. In fact, I’ve always been quite happy plodding on. However, in the last few years, I’ve started to feel a bit resentful as all of my closest friends have been given large sums of money/ inheritance from relatives (some of them multiple handouts). I’ve had lots of back handed compliments about my ‘little house’ and outright nasty ones about how crap modern houses are (mine is modern and was all I could afford at the time). They will openly brag about their large character properties and discuss how they can work reduced hours or not at all due to inheritance and partner’s income. One of my friends hasn’t worked for years and has just been gifted another several hundred thousand pounds so can now afford to buy several other houses. Meanwhile I can’t afford to buy one outright.

I work so bloody hard and never seem to catch a break. I’ve never been given anything monetary like my friends have. One day I may inherit but my father has decided to look after his long term partner first and foremost, so I may never actually inherit. It’s not about the money in that case, as if he spent it all enjoying his inheritance I would be understanding and supportive. Rather, it’s about feeling like an after thought/ not important/ not a priority/ etc.

Anyway, I just want to vent. I feel like I’m destined to slog my guts out, never receive a helping hand like my friends have, and have my nose rubbed in it in the process. I know life is unfair (believe me I know that acutely due to other life/ health events). Just seems unfair that I work the hardest out of all my friends (and I don’t say that lightly) and yet seem to have the hardest time.

Sorry you are feeling so down about things. When I was on low pay I always tried to avoid comparing myself unfavourably to others. I would always remind myself that at the end of the day I don't want to change places with anyone else or have their life so any comparison was pointless. Hope that makes sense.

The other important thing to remember is that life can suddenly, or slowly, change for the better.

Its not insulting or not meant to be.

For me its the truth, any financial "gain" is inconsequential to the loss of a much loved parent.

I cannot help it that my Mum was also a single child and inherited her house and that my dad died when i was very young can i? i don't even fucking well remember him.

We've had zero help and won't get any inheritance for various reasons - this will be increasingly common once the baby boomers age out.

I actually prefer this tbh. I know 3 or 4 people that have been only children and in line for massive inheritances (houses in London bought in the fifties etc). life changing money - at some point ..... once their dad dies ... and then mum......

It's a horrible way to live and all of them have suffered in some way as a result - dossing around with no real purpose, endlessly flitting from job to job, everything being put off until next year. Relationship issues as the huge windfall and massive house don't materialise as granny lives to a ripe old age and then needs expensive care. I also have friends where the GP pay the school fess, pay mortgages etc and in all case resentment abounds. If they are paying for the family holiday, they dictate where you're going, etc etc.

I prefer to be master of my own destiny, no matter how modest it might be.

I know exactly what you mean.
We are in the same position. Difference is there is slightly more to resent because our parents on both sides have written their will for everything to go to their favourite golden child (both of which are the richest of the sibling sets already) - 4 siblings left out on DHs side and just me left out on my side.

Wow. I have friends who have inherited wealth, who had wealth even before inheriting. Others who have worked hard and done well.

Not one single one of them would "rub my nose" in it, or make me feel bad. I don't even own a home.

You need nicer friends, OP!

Teaching is very badly paid for the actual hours you do.

It's why lots of people either don't go into it, or drop out after a few years.

It's never been the case that hard work is rewarded. Sorry. I have spent 20 years in education and the pay is shit but I did enjoy the time spent with the children.

Your friends are rude though.

Some of those people aren't really your friends if they're making nasty comments. Could you expand your social circle to include more people in the same situation as you? Loads of people won't inherit anything and maybe you'd feel happier and less resentful if you had more friends like that?

It would be great if you could also be more proud of yourself for what you have achieved and the huge contribution you're making to society. I salute you and (as a retired Headteacher myself who has inherited nothing) I'm proud of you and the hard-working example you're setting to your own children and your students. Money can't buy character, dignity and commitment to public service and you're rich in all of those things. Brava! 💐

Life isn't fair. Some will have it easier than, some much harder. Some have all the money in the world and nothing to be happy about. Sounds like you need some new friends though.

I’ve received 2 lots of inheritance over the past few years. I’d prefer that I hadn’t tbh and that the people who had earned it had longer to enjoy it for themselves.

You need better friends

Inheritance has become a big divider in society in large part due to the massively inflated property market.

Yes & it’s wrong that hard work & high earnings can’t propel you forward any more. Obviously wages have stagnated & housing costs are huge so social mobility is going backwards.

I had help to buy in London, none of my peers bought without help & a fair few had high 6 fig help.

Personally I far rather lose a relative & inherit then lose one & receive nothing…

true, but I think inheriting when a loved but elderly relative passes away not unexpectedly is worlds away from inheriting at 19 because the one parent who you have a relationship with dies - which was the situation for a friend of mine.

It's classic give and take, yes you inherit a sum of money that you can use to propel your life forward, get on the property ladder, retrain, spend more time with your own kids... but at what cost? Financial gain but lifelong implications and damage from losing someone far too early.

YANBU to be frustrated, and to be honest stories like yours will only become more common over the next 5-10 years as wealth inequality gets worse in western society. Increasingly, how you do in life has less to do with how hard you work or what job you do (partly because income from work is taxed more heavily than income from wealth) and more to do with how much your family has to pass down.

I’m sorry your friends are unkind. I think it would be a good idea to find some new friends who build you up instead of putting you down.

I feel your pain, I work full time and have to do 2 evenings to top this up as a single parent.
Have rented for 28 years and feel guilty I will have nothing to leave my kids despite working so hard.

To be fair to the OP, most people experience the same bereavements but just don't have anything to inherit

Life is unfair, if you want money and a comfortable life, you need to have a career in a sector that pays decent money. That's an active choice that people can make.

In addition, the loss leading to inheritance is often devastating. I would much rather have my loved one here now. Inheritance is pretty much an accident of birth over which one has no control.

I live in a shithole council house, on benefits because my two sons are autistic and every job I've had has resulted in disciplinary procedures due to having to walk out of shifts to collect them having meltdowns in school. I love in a drug rife council scheme in Scotland and my family have worked all their lives but not enough to even have small savings never mind inheritance to pass on. I know unless I win the lottery then my life will always be this

No inheritance has a ripple effect too. I've been saving to try to help my dc eventually get on the property ladder, but saving £50 a month, which is what we can afford, doesn't add up very quickly. Dc is renting, he pays an awful lot and cant save much per month towards a deposit either. He studied to phd level, really put in the work at school and moved away to try to gain experience to get better paid work. His friend messed about at school, left at 16, has been in minimum wage jobs ever since. Hes recently inherited a house from his grandparents which he sold and has bought a lovely modern city centre flat. Ds is in a rental which is pretty basic, miles out of town.
So much for telling your kids to stick in at school.

The UK is changing from a cash-based economy to an asset-based economy. In brief, the wealthy have assets that can generate an income. The non-wealthy rely on an income stream from work. However it is increasingly hard for salary incomes to buy assets like houses. As a result, the wealthy get wealthier, and the non-wealthy become increasingly less rich. The gulf between the wealthy and the non-wealthy is increasing, and this wealth disparity will increasingly cause breakdowns of our society.

Who wants to be friends with braggart’s? I think you need to change your friends, quite honestly. If they're bragging about their homes and criticising yours then they are not nice people! Also, if they’ve inherited because a family member has died and they’re choosing to boast about money/property inherited because of that then that’s just a bit, well, distasteful.

I don’t think the issue here is you, I think your friends sound like boastful, arrogant people. Most people are not like this, they don’t brag about stuff like that. I would honestly find more grounded folk to be with.

Luck of the draw, OP…

No matter how hard you work and how well you save your money… you’ll never get far as a single parent. The odds are massively against you, specially single mums, who are paid less than men to begin with.

I’m currently in the middle of a fascinating read titled “the two-parent privilege” look it up, highly recommend it.

Essentially, single mothers are FUCKED.

Why should inheritance be taxed more heavily?

If your friends had no inheritance it would make zero difference to your life.
If your friends stopped making you feel bad about it, that would make a difference. Are they being mean though, or are you just perceiving it that way because of how fed up you are with your own lot?

They're not your friends. They're mean, thoughtless and snobby to make such remarks. I agree it's hard when you just can't catch a break and everyone else around you seems to be doing better off but you don't need friends like that.