Inheritance vs working hard and never getting anywhere

[Anonymouseky]

I know people will probably pounce on me for feeling like this, but I need to vent. I’ve always been very supporting and happy for other people when good things happen to them, but I am starting to feel really resentful over something.

I work really hard and have a stressful job (teacher). I tried hard at school and have always given my best in everything I have done. I always imagined that one day my hard work would pay off and I would be able to afford a decent standard of living. That is unfortunately not the case. I am a single parent and have no family nearby to help with childcare, so the wages don’t go far. Their dad does contribute, but with the cost of living… well, I’m sure many of you can see what I mean.

I’ve never been a jealous or resentful person and haven’t compared myself to others. In fact, I’ve always been quite happy plodding on. However, in the last few years, I’ve started to feel a bit resentful as all of my closest friends have been given large sums of money/ inheritance from relatives (some of them multiple handouts). I’ve had lots of back handed compliments about my ‘little house’ and outright nasty ones about how crap modern houses are (mine is modern and was all I could afford at the time). They will openly brag about their large character properties and discuss how they can work reduced hours or not at all due to inheritance and partner’s income. One of my friends hasn’t worked for years and has just been gifted another several hundred thousand pounds so can now afford to buy several other houses. Meanwhile I can’t afford to buy one outright.

I work so bloody hard and never seem to catch a break. I’ve never been given anything monetary like my friends have. One day I may inherit but my father has decided to look after his long term partner first and foremost, so I may never actually inherit. It’s not about the money in that case, as if he spent it all enjoying his inheritance I would be understanding and supportive. Rather, it’s about feeling like an after thought/ not important/ not a priority/ etc.

Anyway, I just want to vent. I feel like I’m destined to slog my guts out, never receive a helping hand like my friends have, and have my nose rubbed in it in the process. I know life is unfair (believe me I know that acutely due to other life/ health events). Just seems unfair that I work the hardest out of all my friends (and I don’t say that lightly) and yet seem to have the hardest time.

But teaching isn't known as a lucrative career? If you were focussed on making a lot of money there are many other professions/businesses which pay a lot more. Your career choice was your own. Have you even fried to climb the ladder within teaching? Gone as far up as you can if your work outcome is money focussed?

Your problem is you need to get better friends. Decent people do not go around making other people feel like shit. Apart from that you are describing the life experience of
most of us. Very few people have no money worries. There are people reading this thread who would consider themselves blessed to own a home. No it’s not fair that some people get a huge handout, but, and I really do mean this in the nicest way - grow up! Life is not fair, it’s never was and never will be. Learn to count your blessings and find better friends.

Life is unfair.

There is always someone richer than you or prettier or luckier or cleverer. If you were given £1 million, someone else would get £2 million.

You sound like you have a nice life OP. You work as a teacher. You are reasonably well paid with good holidays and an excellent pension. You're not working a zero hours contract in a warehouse or stuffing chickens in a factory. You have a child, you're not infertile. You have the means and ability to look after your DC alone without having to kowtow or bend to the will of a man. You live in a new house which means it's all relatively neat and tidy and not mouldy or damp or in need of constant, expensive repair.

I spent time in India OP where you see entire families sleeping on the street on sheets of cardboard. Be thankful for what you have and stop comparing to other people. And come off social media

this is the really issue.

not so long ago, a teacher was respected profession, they earned enough to buy a house, have great pension and upon their death, leave their children a reasonable legacy.

Now, they'll be luck to be able to afford rent, let alone buy a house in many parts of the country.

We've allowed all of this to happen.

You're not wrong to vent and complain. Just don't let it carry you away.

I occasionally get frustrated (or let's face it, green-eyed) about (a proportion of) the older generations including my own parents who basically received an extra lifetime income through property inflation. And yes, how they just sit on the wealth, living in a massive family home we can't even dream of having, doing nothing with it all, doing nothing even with their time, or going on 6 x holidays abroad a year whilst we struggle along and their grandchildren go without. Grumble grumble!

Anyway I know that makes us incredibly lucky because at least there is an inheritance, probably. And I feel like right dickhead for having these jealous, bitter thoughts. I do in fact love my parents and in laws and wish them the best. And I know how much luckier than so many (most other) people we actually are. We are privileged, relatively wealthy and healthy with (hopefully) many years ahead.

My strategy for when life is getting me down, or I'm facing a disappointment, failure or mistake, or indeed envy - I picture something terrible that could happen to me. I imagine for example, that one of my kids, my husband or I have just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Or I've committed a terrible crime, a dreadful mistake etc. Or I even think of myself suddenly displaced, by a disaster that has destroyed my home, or by war, or the end of the world, whatever. The kind of thing money can't change. I picture myself pleading, wishing for it to go away, wishing for my life back how it was. Considering what I would give up, almost anything. And then I imagine my wish has just come true and didn't cost me anything! I don't know if this works for anyone else but it's always really worked for me in terms of appreciating what I do have and how much I want what I do have.

Moan away, you are having a difficult time and there is no end currently in sight. Maybe pull back a bit on the perfectionism at work, and keep some of that energy for meeting your own needs.

It's fine to feel some resentment over your dad choosing his partner over you. Grumble away and get it out your system.

Its not so fine that you have a friendship group that isn't sensitive to your needs. It might be time to broaden your horizons with people that don't make you feel like shit- even if it is un-intentional.

But that's so wrong.
We shouldn't be advising the OP to get a better paid job, her, hugely valuable and important job should be enough to make a good life. She doesn't have to be rich, she just shouldn't have to struggle so much. High property prices are doing so much damage to society and I could be described as a big 'winner' on this (no inheritance coming my way though, a big bill more like).

Oh please! I lost my husband. I have a lot of money and will inherit twice more in time. It’s a hell of a lot easier to grieve if you don’t have to worry about paying the bills

@Greenshrub Of course teaching has never been a choice for those who aim to earn the megabucks, but it used to be a profession which offered a secure lifestyle. My mum was a teacher all her life and not even in management because she wanted to stay in the classroom. Her parents were dirt poor and never owned a home. Yet she could buy a house before she was 30. In a crappy bit of London, yes, but all the same, if she were 28 now and a teacher without family money - no chance!

@Chanxex that's the wrong comparison.
If I offered someone £1m for their relative to die I would hope nobody would say yes.
But that's not the comparison.
It's, Your relative is going to die. Would you rather they died and left you £1m, or £0. Of course the former is better.

But you were lucky enough to be born with a good brain, which has enabled you to earn a high salary but also gives you other advantages.

Why should inheritance be taxed when it has already been taxed at source?

Incidentally, in my small friendship group we have very different financial situations. It doesn't cause hassle because we don't go on about it, and I as a lower earning person in the group don't feel judged at all.

This. I have been renting for the past 21 years, and although I have inherited some money it's too late for me to get a mortgage, and not enough to buy anything outright. All my local friends own property, one is quite wealthy and the others have done very well, but I don't feel judged by them. I'm single, they are all married with families. No-one ever discusses finances.

You need better friends OP. Your current ones sound very unpleasant.

Being jealous of what others have is not a good thing, life isn't fair, but it never has been. We have to work with what we have.

@Isitovernow123 how have property gains been taxed at source?

@Isitovernow123 To prevent massive inequality from developing in society. Taxation is a tool to achieve certain societal outcomes. It can work however it we want it to, depending on the outcomes we seek as a society.

Because it's free money.

Life is hard and life is unfair. But I think you need a pick-me-up.

I'd be dead proud of my daughter if she had achieved what you have, a family, your own home, a stable career with a good pension.

The thief of joy is envy. Try not to compare your position to others, things could be vastly different in 20yrs, they may not have pensions. You should be sorted. That's rather joyous. You also have a varied and social job and that makes it fun. I do understand the job is hard though, not trying to diminish that at all.

But let's also remember everyone generally admires teachers, I am grateful for your service, I couldn't do it, I don't have the patience and it's a fundamentally key worker role training the next generation.

Those with more money may have had a relative die in order to receive it as well. So the circumstances can be heartbreaking for them. There will always be one that gets handed an easy life though, doesn't mean it's a good life, a fulfilling life.

Keep your chin up, I think you're doing remarkably well - fully self made. What a roll model, Well done and kick on and just remember you'll have 25yrs of comfortable retirement. You'll appreciate that a lot when it arrives.

Received an inheritance very young. Had to watch my mum die by the time I was 24 though. Still work full time as does my partner. We have 2 kids. Very lucky to be in the position we are. But it came with a massive loss too.

It's shit OP I get it. Teachers should be paid more.

But I don't brag about what I have at the ripe old age of 34. Why would I. All my friends are different ages and come from all walks of life. Some are in better positions than others.
Get better friends

It’s not free money. It’s been taxed in numerous ways since it was initially paid to an employee. Just because it’s going to the next generation, that doesn’t make it free money. It’s a gift. The person who died owned that money. They’ve gifted it to someone.

If it’s free money, let’s start taxing donations to charities, school fetes etc……

Thank you all for the comments, support and understanding. It has actually really helped and it has actually been emotional reading some of the comments (in a good way). It makes me sad to hear of so many people going through something similar though. It shouldn’t be the way of things, and things should be easier for people who work hard.

For a bit of context, my mum died very young and she worked hard to give me every opportunity she never had. She would hate to see me struggle now and would have looked after me and the grandchildren in a way that my dad won’t. As a mother, I am determined to help my own children to have an easier life if I can, whilst still instilling in them the importance of hard work and doing something useful to society.

I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was tiny. I’ve toyed with other careers and actually did have a job in a financial based role. Had I stuck to that and not returned to education, I may well be better off (financially). But my heart wasn’t in it, and I really believe that passionate teachers should remain teachers if they can. Not ebough people want to do the job and that is becoming a crisis. It does upset me that teachers, nurses etc aren’t paid as well as they should be for the stress and hours worked though. I’m honestly not money motivated though. I just want to be able to buy my house in full and have a decent quality of life. My pension projection isn’t looking great due to having a few years out to support ex husband’s career. I also don’t get school holidays due to my teaching contract. I know that’s my career choice though.

The most worrying thing of all is that there are some serious health issues in the family and my children may need life saving surgery one day. The lack of financial stability is terrifying due to the knock on implications. Heaven forbid we ever lose the NHS and I have to find the cost for surgery myself. Anyway, I’m possibly catastrophising, but money certainly can bring security and peace of mind. It’s never been about being showy or flash for me.

If anything, this whole situation is making me more determined to find a way to build financial security. I am proud of what I have achieved and for ‘doing my bit’, although it might not seem that way. I hope my children grow up and realise the hard work I’ve put in and the sacrifices made. My friends have shown a different side since their inheritances, which has felt disrespectful and distasteful at times. One did actually say to me, ‘I don’t know how you do it’ and ‘you’re doing a great job’ so she’s not all bad, but then has boasted about the latest round of inheritance money recently. I know there is insecurity there though and she feels bad for not working (not enough to return to the world of work though).

Anyway, thank you for listening to my moan/ rant and I’m sorry to hear of so many other people struggling. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I do think policies need to be put in place re housing and the exploitation of the working masses.

@Kendodd I agree everyone dies. We all know what it feels like to lose a loved one. I find these comments so crass.

OP did you grow up in an affluent area? DH and I grew up in poverty. Especially DH he didn’t have enough food to eat when he was a kid. Got into the local grammar school and was bullied mercilessly.

I don’t have this inheritance envy as I know we will never get one so I’ve always lived my life with this in mind.

A friend of mine inherited over £1 million in her forties because of an accident and a relative of hers dying prematurely. It didn’t change her personality.

I’ve worked in healthcare and when I was in my teenage years as a student I looked after patients in their twenties who died of cancer. I was so young and it really shaped how I viewed my life.

I have never been into a flashy lifestyle. I am a member of a country club gym because it is close by and it offers blue light discount so it is reasonable. It’s also opposite a very prestigious hospital. Many of the Consultants and their wives use the gym and they are all loaded but lovely. However, a few business people who are mega loaded also use the gym and they are just so intolerable. When they go into the steam room or sauna everyone else leaves because all they go on about is their money and politics. It is so obvious when it happens too.

Make new friends. Their inherited gilded lives have become very small and insignificant if all they can do is judge others and talk about their own inherited wealth. They’re better off sticking to others like them.

Another little snippet into the life of inherited wealth. My son was the only state kid on a revision course. All the others were from private schools. My son was so amused by the fact that all the private school kids (apart from one from our neck of the woods) wanted to compare who paid the most for their private school tuition fees. They were getting so competitive and when they tired of this they went onto how much their houses cost. You get my drift. The irony was my son utilised the excellent tutor the most out of all of them as my son realised the 1k course fee was not just pocket change for us.

The world is unfair. You only have one short life. Stop letting other people put you down.

I think you have a skewed sample size. Inheriting several hundred thousand pounds is incredibly rare amongst the general population. One third of UK adults have less than £1000 in savings to their name.

I’m sure this has been said before (not read the thread) but I had to lose both my parents when I was relatively young to get my inheritance.

I would swap it in a heartbeat for my children to have spent time with their grandma.

I am 55 and have an inheritance but I have no mum or dad
I know I am lucky to have the inheritance but I would give it all up to have mum and dad back
Unfortunately life can be unfair
I do try not to keep putting things on fb I am mindful not everyone is in the same position u fortunately you get a number of people on fb who.dont think about other people's situations when they post their holidays days out meals etc on there
I think people need to be much more mindful that not everyone is in the same position

Your life sounds like millions of others, not everyone gets handouts and inheritances. All you can do is keep working hard to provide for your family, don’t compare what you have to others and maybe start to look for new friends who don’t make comments about your house.