Inheritance vs working hard and never getting anywhere

[Anonymouseky]

I know people will probably pounce on me for feeling like this, but I need to vent. I’ve always been very supporting and happy for other people when good things happen to them, but I am starting to feel really resentful over something.

I work really hard and have a stressful job (teacher). I tried hard at school and have always given my best in everything I have done. I always imagined that one day my hard work would pay off and I would be able to afford a decent standard of living. That is unfortunately not the case. I am a single parent and have no family nearby to help with childcare, so the wages don’t go far. Their dad does contribute, but with the cost of living… well, I’m sure many of you can see what I mean.

I’ve never been a jealous or resentful person and haven’t compared myself to others. In fact, I’ve always been quite happy plodding on. However, in the last few years, I’ve started to feel a bit resentful as all of my closest friends have been given large sums of money/ inheritance from relatives (some of them multiple handouts). I’ve had lots of back handed compliments about my ‘little house’ and outright nasty ones about how crap modern houses are (mine is modern and was all I could afford at the time). They will openly brag about their large character properties and discuss how they can work reduced hours or not at all due to inheritance and partner’s income. One of my friends hasn’t worked for years and has just been gifted another several hundred thousand pounds so can now afford to buy several other houses. Meanwhile I can’t afford to buy one outright.

I work so bloody hard and never seem to catch a break. I’ve never been given anything monetary like my friends have. One day I may inherit but my father has decided to look after his long term partner first and foremost, so I may never actually inherit. It’s not about the money in that case, as if he spent it all enjoying his inheritance I would be understanding and supportive. Rather, it’s about feeling like an after thought/ not important/ not a priority/ etc.

Anyway, I just want to vent. I feel like I’m destined to slog my guts out, never receive a helping hand like my friends have, and have my nose rubbed in it in the process. I know life is unfair (believe me I know that acutely due to other life/ health events). Just seems unfair that I work the hardest out of all my friends (and I don’t say that lightly) and yet seem to have the hardest time.

Inherited/generational wealth makes for such a difference in outcomes and it does feel very unfair. There's been a few threads about it recently. You have your peer group of friends and colleagues, you have a decent job, you work hard and it all feels pretty meritocratic. Often it's only when you start buying homes and having kids that you realise just how many of your peers are backed up by generational wealth, and the difference in lifestyle and greater range of options that brings.

I agree it's crap OP, but not much we can do but suck it up - or marry very well!

😂😂😂

@Silverbirch7 if you are paying enough inheritance tax that it would be enough to buy a house worth say £200k, then if you had one parent who also benefited from the residence allowance, ie they were able to leave £500k before IHT kicks in at 40 per cent, you will have inherited around maybe £700k or a bit more, which seems reasonable. If two parents, then potentially double this sum.

I think its hard and I say that as someone who has received my parents inheritance in my early 40s. Obviously I'd much rather they were still here (i feel really envious when i see people enjoy christmas and special occassions with their parents or grandparents attend school events or even graduation)
.... but I also know that without the money they left, we'd struggle for DD to go to uni.
We are in a more comfortable financial position now than say 10 years ago and I often feel guilty about that when lots of people are struggling with the COL and I don't take it for granted.

😅 well you have a point

Many people who inherit from parents do so because their parents have worked hard and been prudent. My parents married in the late 50s and scrimped and saved to buy a family home. Very few luxuries, no fancy holidays, no car, no phone line, no eating out at restaurants. Things that most folk take for granted nowadays.
The money has been earned and taxed and sacrifices made.
So instead of bashing those who have inherited money fairly and squarely, OP, just find some different friends who dont rub your nose in it

Unfortunately the gap we now have between house prices and incomes in this country means that the distinction between the inheritors and the non-inheritors is bigger and bigger. It works in two ways - firstly, it's harder to buy a home without and inheritance than it has been in decades, because the average house costs many more times the average income. Secondly, if you are the heir of someone who owns property, your inheritance is now vast compared to what most people earn.

It really is a terrible situation and if it continues we will very much be back in a sort of Victorian society I think, whereby there are upper middle and upper classes who are prosperous and secure because they are the property-owning class, and everyone else is in a much more precarious position, with little chance of escaping it, because the gap between that state and the property-owning state is so vast that no amount of hard work can bridge it. You are either born into it or not.

Your situation is an expression of that OP and you're right that it is awful.

Many people who inherit from parents do so because their parents have worked hard and been prudent. My parents married in the late 50s and scrimped and saved to buy a family home. Very few luxuries, no fancy holidays, no car, no phone line, no eating out at restaurants. Things that most folk take for granted nowadays.
The money has been earned and taxed and sacrifices made.

But loads of people just got lucky from buying property at the right time & right place. If you pay 50k for a house that is later worth 1m how have you been taxed on that?

You went into teaching. You were never going to make big bucks (I say this as a nurse who also will never be rolling in it).

Sounds like you need new friends! A friend is a single parent in a small new build, her house is lovely, most of all because it's a safe and comfortable place for her and her kids. Big houses mean nothing if you're miserable.

@BronwenTheBrave You sum it up perfectly.

YANBU to feel the way you do. We have a character type house which I knocked through and now it’s all open plan/original features gone

It costs a fortune to heat, huge garden- it’s not a forever home imo. Things always need doing.
I’d love a new build, smaller garden, easier to maintain….

Comparison is the thief of joy, grass isn’t always greener etc.

If people are knocking you, they are not happy people. They might have it all on the surface but are mean spirited deep down.

What about private tutoring? Can you do that?

Your friends are rude and insensitive.
I had a small inheritance, told no one. Used it on some nice things.
You should hopefully find that as you move up the pay scale life will improve and when you retire, your teachers pension will mean you are comfortable.
Envy is the thief of joy. Be grateful for what you have and proud that you are doing it on your own and don't owe anyone anything.

Totally agree

I have worked really hard all my life, always had a job, not much time off

Just not been rewarded much really

Comparison is the thief of joy, grass isn’t always greener etc.

^

Meh. I don't like this. We're allowed to moan, we're not all Puritans here on MN

@BronwenTheBrave agree, an more unequal society isn’t good for anyone.

Your friends are not your friends if they make you feel bad about your life. I would ditch them.

"comparison is the thief of joy" is all well and good but it also easily slips into "be happy with your lot and accept that society is unfair". That isn't how social change gets brought about!

I think YABU. Inheritance means someone they loved has died. It’s not a special treat.

Also, teaching is notoriously stressful and badly paid. Obviously got much worse in recent years, but it’s never had a high salary. You must have always known this. If you want to buy a big detached character house you would have to change career to something better paid. That’s in your control, whether you do that or choose not to. I don’t think getting annoyed at your friends is helpful.

Easiest thing would be to get new friends who are nicer, and so you don’t keep comparing yourself.

My father left everything to my mother. On her death we split her meagre savings but her will allows my single, childless brother to stay in her house for his lifetime. Only if he dies before me will I inherit, more likely is I’ll die first and my share will pass to my AC. They will also eventually inherit my house, their father’s house (we’re divorced), and they’ll inherit savings and investments from my brother and property and savings from their father’s single, childless sister. They’ll do pretty well out of my generation dying off. I inherited just enough to pay off a credit card. It does grate somewhat.

So now people shouldn’t become teachers, etc because they should know they can’t afford to buy a house?

YANBU at all.

We are also surrounded by people who have inherited and it’s really hard not to start feeling resentful. DH & I have a much higher income than our friends, but with no family help behind us our mortgage is massive! So lifestyle wise, our friends have it much better. We’re also stuck paying far more tax etc as they all have trusts that are super tax efficient

Many people will never receive any inheritance, in fact you could argue they may even have to cover costs for their loved one’s funeral etc.

It’s rubbish when you’re having a hard time but try and think about all the things you do have (a child / a home / a career to start) I hope that doesn’t sound patronising.

Can your child’s Dad help more than he is currently?

I just wish my Dad was still alive. My life will never be the same without him and nor will my Mum’s or siblings.
I sometimes dream he is still alive and then I wake up and realise he has gone.
Those who are saying it’s nice to have a few thousand to soften the blow have no idea.
The wealthy grieve too.
It’s ok to discuss IHT but don’t compare to specific friends who have lost loved ones.
Money helps in life but if I offered you £1m for a loved one to die earlier, I doubt you’d take it.

I’m not going to say if I received any.

Have posters come along yet to say 'yeah but somebody you love has to die first' as if people who don't receive an inheritance don't lose people, or don't feel grief if they do?