Inheritance vs working hard and never getting anywhere

[Anonymouseky]

I know people will probably pounce on me for feeling like this, but I need to vent. I’ve always been very supporting and happy for other people when good things happen to them, but I am starting to feel really resentful over something.

I work really hard and have a stressful job (teacher). I tried hard at school and have always given my best in everything I have done. I always imagined that one day my hard work would pay off and I would be able to afford a decent standard of living. That is unfortunately not the case. I am a single parent and have no family nearby to help with childcare, so the wages don’t go far. Their dad does contribute, but with the cost of living… well, I’m sure many of you can see what I mean.

I’ve never been a jealous or resentful person and haven’t compared myself to others. In fact, I’ve always been quite happy plodding on. However, in the last few years, I’ve started to feel a bit resentful as all of my closest friends have been given large sums of money/ inheritance from relatives (some of them multiple handouts). I’ve had lots of back handed compliments about my ‘little house’ and outright nasty ones about how crap modern houses are (mine is modern and was all I could afford at the time). They will openly brag about their large character properties and discuss how they can work reduced hours or not at all due to inheritance and partner’s income. One of my friends hasn’t worked for years and has just been gifted another several hundred thousand pounds so can now afford to buy several other houses. Meanwhile I can’t afford to buy one outright.

I work so bloody hard and never seem to catch a break. I’ve never been given anything monetary like my friends have. One day I may inherit but my father has decided to look after his long term partner first and foremost, so I may never actually inherit. It’s not about the money in that case, as if he spent it all enjoying his inheritance I would be understanding and supportive. Rather, it’s about feeling like an after thought/ not important/ not a priority/ etc.

Anyway, I just want to vent. I feel like I’m destined to slog my guts out, never receive a helping hand like my friends have, and have my nose rubbed in it in the process. I know life is unfair (believe me I know that acutely due to other life/ health events). Just seems unfair that I work the hardest out of all my friends (and I don’t say that lightly) and yet seem to have the hardest time.

I don’t know why your friends are talking about how much money they’ve got/have been given. I don’t know anyone who has received an inheritance and I assume most people I know are not likely to receive much due to the backgrounds of their families. The two people I know with beautiful houses, one didn’t have any children so she and her husband enjoy their money and the other one must have a rich husband as her parents are still alive at nearly 100!

I am also a single parent teacher with a teeny tiny house and I am lucky I don’t mix in your circles.

I can understand, my parents had 5 kids and never helped with anything, mum is no more, dad only thinks about himself. Never even gonna get a penny from him for sure. Me and my husband have a 1 bed flat which we will pay off in the next decade if we stay abroad. We don't want out only daughter to struggle like us and do 9 to 6 job without having a break so we will hopefully save deposit amount for her for a small property till the time she is an adult. Me and my husband have also worked really hard and have had a tough life, alongwith a few traumatic life events so it's not fair at all but unfortunately life is unfair and we can only hope that our child doesn't go through the same hardships.

Some things you had agency over. Some things you didn’t. Some things you still have agency over, some things you don’t. Change the things that are bringing you pain and try and do more things that bring you joy.

I wish people would stop saying 'I wish Aunt Enid was still here of course' when they get an inheritance. Do people who don't get an inheritance not grieve the same? A few k softens the blow of ones passing..

Um ever heard of IHT? The tax we're paying is enough to buy a house.🤷‍♀️

I don't feel sorry for you. Your post is incredibly self absorbed. You're jealous that someone didn't leave you a pile of money. Someone has to die to do that. Your parents or relatives. I never understand this bitterness towards others about inheritance that I read on here. In my culture inheritance is almost unheard of, in fact it's the other way around and we take care and support our parents. Your friends sound nasty if they made these comments to you. But then that doesn't mean you turn bitter too.

Inheritance has become a big divider in society in large part due to the massively inflated property market.

I’ve worked hard to reach a point where I earn a decent 6 figure salary however I have friends of a similar age who are retired, live in far larger houses, have expensive cars and holidays yet have never worked in anything other than low wage jobs.

They are able to do this due to inheritance.

Is it fair that they have a more comfortable life than me? Of course not but unless inheritance tax is 100% it is completely unavoidable.

That said, it is slightly galling that despite working hard to be in the top 1% of earners I am nowhere near the top 1% in terms of spending power, not even close.

Someone on a low wage who inherits a modest property in London will likely be in a better lifetime position financially than someone who earns 100k+ yet never inherits anything.

I hear you op. Inheritance is the great divider when we lose loved ones. Ive recently watched someone go on holiday 4 times this year, buy 2 new cars and revamp their entire house when their mum passed away. Its all on fb so everyone can see. When my mum died we didn't inherit at all, she didn't own a home. I have to smile and be delighted to see the person i know show off their new Mercedes, whilst my 8 yr old car is chugging along. And be happy they are going on another 5 star holiday when we've had 4 nights away in 6 years.

Its hard not to feel bitter.

Life is not fair. Best get over it. 🙄

You can invite £325,000 from each parent though without paying tax - so you surely must be inheriting a huge amount to pay that?

My parents both died by the time I was 35 and left my siblings and I about £150k each from the sale of their house. I wouldn't say it's a life changing sum but it's certainly made a huge difference. Its hard to see it as easy money because I saw how bloody hard my parents worked and how frugal they were because they always wanted to leave us something. They were a teacher and a nurse, we rarely had holidays or meals out. I feel similarly in that we have ploughed this money into our mortgage which will one day go to our children. Vast inherited wealth is not the norm. I don't think taxing inheritance is fair either - a better solution is to tax more fairly in the first place and stop gross profit margins (Lloyds bank!!) and sky high bonuses. Income from a fairer tax system can then be used towards education and creating a more equal society.

yanbu but there are several different things going on

your dad's choice to look after whoever he wants with his money but yanbu to feel upset at not being a priority

yanbu to be resentful at the cost of living, but at the same time you could be working just as hard in a lesser paid job, but not be able to afford a house at all, let alone one 'outright.' You could have an ex that doesn't pay maintenance etc. Obviously it's not a fight to the bottom, but could help the way you think if you reframe your circumstances rather than only comparing yourself to those who have more.

yanbu to be annoyed at your friends and tbh that's the easiest thing to fix - TELL them they are being rude if you want to stay friends with them - doesn't have to be in an aggressive way just next time they make a comment say something like 'Look Bob I understand you probably don't mean to be rude, but I find it really upsetting when you make comments about new builds and how crap they are. You know where I live and unlike you I haven't been lucky enough to receive a huge inheritance so it's a struggle to even cover my 'crap new build' and hearing you mock my home or houses like it isn't great.' If they are nice and just unthinking they'll apologise, if not get rid. I have friends who live in both much bigger and smaller houses than my own, as well as 'types' of houses I personally wouldn't choose, and have never made any comment that isn't positive. Because most people try not to actively insult their friends!

You’ve got 2 things I long for - children and living parents.
I’ve got an inheritance.
I’m not sure who you think is better off but I’m in no doubt.

I just saw an Instagram reel that said sometimes you have to make tough decisions to protect your peace. Sometimes you have to basically remove things from your life that are not making you feel good. It sounds like your friends aren't really on the same page as you anymore. Even if they weren't making the thoughtless / insensitive comments, you have to ask yourself if you have anything in common with them all anymore. If it is literally all your friends, and you've been cast the role of 'poor friend' then I'd prefer to be alone or try to make friends on my level

It is unfair, it’s the way capitalism is rigged, completely on purpose.
Also your friends lack sensitivity. Even if they aren’t deliberately bragging they should think before they speak.
However, it really is true that although having enough money is helpful, having a lot of extra money that you don’t actually need doesn’t bring happiness. Health and love brings happiness and contentment. But I completely understand where you’re coming from as a hardworking underpaid teacher.
Thank you for doing your important and difficult job in these troubled times.

I have a nice house, but I have children who have never met their grandmother, who never had a chance to meet any of her grandchildren as she died in my 20's. I was told I was lucky I had paid off my mortgage when we sold our childhood home - didn't feel very lucky. It wasn't mega money either.

Yes I was lucky I go an inheritance, I know some don't but its not a massive bed of roses either.

Personally, I am proud of the fact that me and dp have done it all ourselves without handouts from others. You should be too. Jealousy is a wasted emotion. You’re doing great.

I went to uni to do teaching 20+ years ago, but quickly twigged it wasn't going to give me the career or lifestyle I wanted. It's crap how undervalued teaching is, how hard work it is and how relatively poorly paid it is, but the world is the way it is, you accept it, or you change track. I went for the latter.

I get what you mean and i can understand.

My mum left me her house, not worth loads due to its construction but it has land and it enabled me to sell my more modest but more expensive and move to her old one, slowly doing it up, though it'll never be worth much.

BUT here's the rub, i was very close to her, i'd do anything/give up anything just to spend another day chatting to her.

Did you like your house before the bitchy comments? Does it feel like home? I think your friends sound awful aand insensitive tbh.

Do you manage to save any money? Could you invest it?

Some posters don't seem to realise there's plenty of us out there with no parents and no inheritance either. Its not always a given when you lose your parents.

(Just to add, similar situation in that we have built up everything we have from the ground up, but for that reason had to make difficult and realistic decisions).

But plenty of children never get to meet their grandparents and don't get the house either !

The comparable case is between 2 people who have both lost parents , not between those with and without

We have lost 3 of our 4 parents and not a penny but that doesn't mean we don't feel the hurt of losing them any less and to make out " oh I'd rather have my parents" is really quite insulting because so would I - that independent of the inheritance question - and if I can't have them, I'd rather inheritance than none

I hear you, OP. We’ve been supporting our parents since we left university, and there won’t be any inheritance. I remember when we lived in London seeing some friends suddenly get a stratospheric inheritance because their parents had bought an ordinary house in the 60s that was now worth millions. I just put it out of my mind, tbh, as I do the ones who will have trust funds, or trust funds for their children — I value those friendships. Are yours worth it?

You must be inheriting a shitload of money then.