AIBU to want to hire a private investigator to check on DS' dad?

[SylvanianAddict]

Hi all,

I had turned 36 and wanted a baby so much but was running out of time.
So I went on Co-parents.co.uk to look for a guy to have a baby with me. I found him and we decided to try and conceive 'naturally'.

Initially, I was keen on the idea but after suffering from panic-fuelled bouts of insomnia, I realised I felt so weird and guilty about it, while still feeling desperately broody. So I told him I was scared. I said I didn't want to be a single mum. He was so kind and reassuring, told me I wouldn't be a single mum. There seemed to be a spark between us and I started to like him a lot.

We conceived after a few attempts and last year, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. It's the best decision I have ever made, he means everything to me. The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I prefer it this way - the baby is with me 100% of the time and sees his dad on occasion. He also pays a monthly amount of money for DS' maintenance.

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?' and he would keep evading it, saying that his private life is extremely complicated and that maybe he would tell me one day. But one day, it became unbearable for me and I asked for the truth. He got so stressed and angry (not taking it out on me, just feeling cornered and bothered) and asked why did it matter if his private life wasn't harming me and DS?

We're now on good enough terms - I don't ask him anything about his private life and he understands that I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore.

But DS is now growing up and will soon start speaking. He will eventually be curious about his dad and will want to spend more time with him, even staying over with him.

The problem is, it still bothers me that DS' father hasn't told me about his private life - what on earth is he hiding? He assured me that he isn't a criminal and that his name and age (DOB) are correct. And I want to trust him, he is otherwise very kind and gentlemanly and fatherly.

I feel really weird and icky even contemplating hiring a private investigator BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know.

I found a company that charges £375 to find out almost everything about him.

Am I being unreasonable here or is he being unreasonable?

Starting this thread has made me realise that I should have just asked my sister instead of internet strangers who are waiting to pounce on people who are different. My main reason for starting it was the poll to be honest and the fact that I felt weird and uneasy about going ahead with it.

I asked her, 'Do you think I did a really bad thing by bringing the baby into the world this way?' She immediately said, 'no, DS is a blessing, don't worry about it.'

I then asked her if it was good idea to find information about DS' father via a PI, she said, 'don't do it, he will probably find out you did that and will no longer visit DS or pay maintenance. Do it when DS is older, like 8, when he's at least seen enough of his dad and it won't be a complex.'

So there we have it; those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Have a good weekend, ladies! Peace out.

Terrible advice.

I then asked her if it was good idea to find information about DS' father via a PI, she said, 'don't do it, he will probably find out you did that and will no longer visit DS or pay maintenance.
He will only find out if you tell him and anyone else you know. he has to pay maintenance whether he wants to or not.

Do it when DS is older, like 8, when he's at least seen enough of his dad and it won't be a complex.'
stopping seeing his son at 8 will be far more traumatic for the child than not knowing him from being a baby. One day dad disappears? Not complex? Nonsense.

and what did your sister say to ' BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know. '...

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?'

MY family would have been extremely shocked if I've had a baby with a total stranger I met on the parenting equivalent of Match.com. Not everyone is open-minded about these things and I'm surprised your mind immediately jumps to married or sex offender rather than a more obvious explanation - especially when you say your OWN family were shocked and your decision was the cause of many arguments.

This was my thought 🥹🥹

Good lord. This is the best decision you've ever made?!?! Just wow. This is truly a terrible mess and so unresponsible to bring a child into the world in this way. Poor kid.

He must have given you a fake name.

Do it when DS is older, like 8, when he's at least seen enough of his dad and it won't be a complex.'

Sorry but I don't know what this means.

It reads as if kids get fed up with their dads aged 8!

Whilst you definitely shouldn't regret how your child came about; as you clearly love your child dearly. I struggle to understand how you can allow your little one to forge a bond with a man you know nothing about. It maybe he has another family; but it could be worse. I wouldn't let anyone forge a relationship with my child who swept in and out whenever; and did not share his actual self at all. So you look into who he is and he does cut you off. If I were you I would be happy about that... someone who behaves that way and takes huge effort to conceal himself; and could do readily cut you off is not someone who should have a place in your hearts 🙈

Imagine you finally do this later down the line? Your child is then attached and this man suddenly disappears because of that or he just stops visiting for no reason. Imagine the impact. Or imagine your boy is older and ask questions himself and gets no answers. Or realises he has no idea who his dad really is, where he goes etc. This arrangement will get more damaging, not less over time. I'm sorry but I think its crazy to carry on doing nothing and continue the arrangement 😥

Yes you’re right, you should absolutely not check if your child’s father is a convicted sex offender because he might stop giving you money and might not have access to your child.

I think you should investigate now

You have no idea who he is and it's better for your child's safety.

Be prepared to find out negative things about him.

Best of luck to you and your son. Maybe the next child should be via a donor? less complicated.

I think your sister underestimates the discretion and professionalism of PIs. There is no reason at all why baby's father should find out about it.

I would say, if there is something about him that you need to know in order to safeguard your son, then you need to know now, not at some random future date. It seems very odd and arbitrary to wait 8 years.

Utterly horrible judgemental perfect people all over this post I see.
This is just another version of what humans have been doing for years… making so called unwise decisions because of either societal pressure in women or the biological clock ticking.
I would argue this decision is better than many that people find themselves in… trapped in awful marriages because of finances and the kids.
One night stands ending in a child.
Sperm donor use.
Its all Upto the individual how right Ot is for them.
How many of you perfect people
with kids right now wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for the kids/ house/ financial security.
Anyway OP you have not done anything to be ashamed of, you have your lovely child now and you are where you are… I see why you are starting to think more of your child’s safety if you can see a bond beginning to develop.
Yea do whatever you need to find out all you can about this man so you can make informed choices regarding you and your son.
Good luck, ignore the nastiness in here and enjoy being a mum.

"my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know"

This was in your original post OP. Suddenly your sister says don't go to a PI else he might stop the maintenance and stop seeing him and you're suddenly okay with not knowing if he's a sex offender or paedophile? How very odd!

Ignore the bullies on here OP, they just like a pile on. You do whatever you need to do, to get the right info for your DC.
I've been in a similar position (not the same circumstances but a short relationship which led to 2 forms of contraception being bypassed) and after being left a single parent, had to make the decision to hire a PI as I knew he'd reappear when baby was a teen. So regardless of judgy bitches pontificating about my situation, I still had to find out what sort of life he was leading without breaking privacy laws(!) or disturbing his life.
All I wanted to know was if he'd gained a criminal record and if yes, was it sexual or violent and had he been to prison and finally, if he still lived in the same town - that was it. Just in case he reappeared <If it came back with zero criminal activity and then he appeared in my child's life years later, I'd do the same again to ensure nothing subsequent had occurred>.

I wasn't after his phone number, where he worked, who his spouse was/is or any other private info. Just 'Dangerous? Yes or no?" So that my DC can make a responsible & measured decision whether to get to know him or not, herself, whenever <& if ever> that time comes.

I dated him for a short period of time and like I said, despite sensibly using two types of precautions, my DC came along anyway. Nobody was at fault.
Anyway, during that short 24 month long relationship, I never really got to know the real him. Who can in two years?
Googling him brings nothing up <then or now> as he was old school and never used social media. Ever. And to those suggesting Claire's Law or Sarah's Law, neither can be done in these circumstances unless he's in your life. Believe me, I tried.

Oh and many of the judgey bitches are going from this thread, to cooing all over the <single> homosexual man on Instagram/Tiktok who has hired a surrogate to have his child. Of course!

He has millions of followers, every post of his has 35-50k comments, gushing over what a fabulous/amazing/wonderful father he is etc. The most amounts of encouragement & praise you could ever imagine and tonnes more. <His name is Spencer I think?>

So tell me WHY op is getting so much judgement on here for doing THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING

But it's ok for single men to have a child via a surrogate? Make that make sense!!!!

There is huge anti surrogacy feeling on here because of the breaking of the mother/baby bond so I really think you're barking up the wrong tree there.

OP knowledge is power, the sooner you find out exactly what the story is with the father and what he is hiding the better IMO. But as a PP said it could be a fake name if you can't find his name anywhere on the internet - he might be 'old school' but if he has a really good job it's pretty unlikely that he would not be somewhere on the internet.

I'd be getting a private detective asap - he can't just stop paying maintenance because he finds out - and he has nothing to be pissed off about, he's the one hiding something major. However if he stops paying at any point for whatever reason and you have no way to trace him as the name he gave you is fake then you might really struggle to get maintenance. So I'd want to know exactly who he is, and if it turns out he's a danger to your child you need to know that now not in 5 years time.

neither are good choices

No they should get over the fact that biologically two men can’t have a baby ever. There is no womb. That’s just buying a baby.

But what if he’s not safe??? We’re not all nasty on here.

so messed up! op you want him seeing your son if he’s a sex offender??

If the OP has no idea who he is how is she going to investigate him?

What an incredibly weird post. Nobody has mentioned surrogacy on this thread. Nobody is cooing over a man buying a baby and using the woman cor her uterus. You would be hard pushed to find a thread on mumsnet with people supporting surrogacy. So why this random comparison?

and it really is not the exact same fucking thing at all. They are very different methods.