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Original poster

AIBU to want to hire a private investigator to check on DS' dad?

202 replies

SylvanianAddict · 21/02/2024 23:32

Hi all,

I had turned 36 and wanted a baby so much but was running out of time.
So I went on Co-parents.co.uk to look for a guy to have a baby with me. I found him and we decided to try and conceive 'naturally'.

Initially, I was keen on the idea but after suffering from panic-fuelled bouts of insomnia, I realised I felt so weird and guilty about it, while still feeling desperately broody. So I told him I was scared. I said I didn't want to be a single mum. He was so kind and reassuring, told me I wouldn't be a single mum. There seemed to be a spark between us and I started to like him a lot.

We conceived after a few attempts and last year, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. It's the best decision I have ever made, he means everything to me. The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I prefer it this way - the baby is with me 100% of the time and sees his dad on occasion. He also pays a monthly amount of money for DS' maintenance.

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?' and he would keep evading it, saying that his private life is extremely complicated and that maybe he would tell me one day. But one day, it became unbearable for me and I asked for the truth. He got so stressed and angry (not taking it out on me, just feeling cornered and bothered) and asked why did it matter if his private life wasn't harming me and DS?

We're now on good enough terms - I don't ask him anything about his private life and he understands that I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore.

But DS is now growing up and will soon start speaking. He will eventually be curious about his dad and will want to spend more time with him, even staying over with him.

The problem is, it still bothers me that DS' father hasn't told me about his private life - what on earth is he hiding? He assured me that he isn't a criminal and that his name and age (DOB) are correct. And I want to trust him, he is otherwise very kind and gentlemanly and fatherly.

I feel really weird and icky even contemplating hiring a private investigator BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know.

I found a company that charges £375 to find out almost everything about him.

Am I being unreasonable here or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bingboo121 · 23/02/2024 07:02

How can you assume your child will do well because the kids father has a professional job- when the most common thing that will mess up a kid is growing up without a parent?

Why should the guy tell his family about the child, something like mum/dad you have a grandchild but you are never going to see him?

Its a very unusual arrangement you have with him, he is not in a relationship with you where you chose to have a child and a life together.

WarningOfGails · 23/02/2024 07:10

I think you’ve had some really nasty responses here.

Is he on the birth certificate? If I remember rightly you have to take ID with you for registration, so that must be his correct name if so?

My DH has no digital footprint… he’s not on FB or any other social media, if you know his workplace and put that in you can find his work website, that’s it.

tinytim2016 · 23/02/2024 07:10

Could do a police check but if you know nothing but his name and D.O.B could be a friend's or family members identity. You just don't know. Maybe he's married and his wife doesn't want kids. I wouldn't want to be you in a few years when your child grows and wants to know everything about his dad and your only able to say nothing or don't know. I would pay for the investigation but I like to know where I am with my kids. But don't mix your emotions and interfere in his life it would be a big mistake. There is a reason for everything

puzzledout · 23/02/2024 07:11

CommentNow · 22/02/2024 16:22

He never wanted a baby, he wanted unprotected sex. Ot might even be a fetish, that's why he wants you nowhere near his family. They dont know about the baby.

He wants minimal contact and you should count yourself lucky you arent handing your baby over to someone who is a stranger. He is a stranger. You know nothing about him.

Nailed it!

Summerscoming23 · 23/02/2024 07:12

I think you should try and find out. Is he from your area ? Or a completely different city / region? Might make things a bit more complicated,but suppose that's the private investigators job

IloveAslan · 23/02/2024 07:14

KrisAkabusi · 21/02/2024 23:55

You made the ridiculous choice to have a baby with someone you didn't know. These are all the things you should have thought about two years ago. He's entitled to a private life and if he discovers you've been snooping, expect your relationship to deteriorate.

And for the record, most parents would be shocked by what he did. It's not a normal situation.

I agree.

Your poor son, what a way to bring a child into the world.

puzzledout · 23/02/2024 07:15

tinytim2016 · 23/02/2024 07:10

Could do a police check but if you know nothing but his name and D.O.B could be a friend's or family members identity. You just don't know. Maybe he's married and his wife doesn't want kids. I wouldn't want to be you in a few years when your child grows and wants to know everything about his dad and your only able to say nothing or don't know. I would pay for the investigation but I like to know where I am with my kids. But don't mix your emotions and interfere in his life it would be a big mistake. There is a reason for everything

Maybe he's married with four children, and he's just a massive wrongun!

Motnight · 23/02/2024 07:16

Another baby born into a shit show.

puzzledout · 23/02/2024 07:16

@SylvanianAddict is he on the birth certificate?

mollyfolk · 23/02/2024 07:21

He’s probably just married. But yes I think I would want to know what he is hiding.

Jomasell · 23/02/2024 07:27

Nicola1978x · 22/02/2024 00:14

Sarah's Law, you can ask the police for information, how much you get is risk assessed based on a wide variety of factors.

The child sex offender disclosure scheme, sometimes called ‘Sarah’s Law’, allows parents, carers or guardians to formally ask the police for information about a person who has contact with their child, or a child close to them, if they're concerned the person may pose a risk.

Find out below how to make a request under the child sex offender disclosure scheme.

To make a request for information if you live in England or Wales, please either:

  • call 101, or
  • visit your local police station
  • Apply online
Risk assessments will be carried out at every stage.

Each request is carefully considered in consultation with partner agencies so that disclosure is granted to those best able to protect and safeguard the child. For more information on the scheme, visit Parents Protect.

Link to Sarah's Law on the Met Police website:
https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/how-to-apply/

Show quote history

There is a claires law too. Check on new partners for history of dv and that sort of thing.

Ilovelurchers · 23/02/2024 07:33

OP, I apologise on behalf of the human race for the vile responses you have had on here.

Presumably all of these respondents think that the only acceptable family unit is a straight man and woman who are married having a child together.

Many of us these days realise that single women, lesbian couples etc can make great parents too.

Your choice was effectively using a sperm.donor, you just shagged him instead of artificial insemination. I am staggered that the concept of a sperm donor seems so new and so revolting to these people.

It really isn't.

But yes he is probably married. I can't see he is more likely to be a paedophile than any other man - he may be one of course but so could anyone. I can't quite see why people think he is likely to be one. Does he even want to spend time alone with the child? You don't mention him requesting this.

Good luck.

Katherina198819 · 23/02/2024 07:35

Haven't read all the responses, but I'm surprised by the judgement you received.
I also decided that if I turn 36 to do something similar. I ended up meeting my husband beforehand, but I don't see why a woman should only have a child if they find the "right" man. You can live a whole life with someone and never really know them.

Can you get social workers involved? I'm not sure how it works, but maybe there is a way to find out more about him this way. They used to this- you are not to only one in this situation.

I would definitely hire a private detective, too. You are right, your child safety is first, and if he isn't willing to tell you anything about his past or private life, I won't think about it for a second.

PicaK · 23/02/2024 07:38

I would hire for your peace of mind.
But be prepared - being married might not be the worst of it.
There are a group of men who just want to impregnate as many women as possible - for the sexual kick of it. He could be one of those. He could have many children.
But knowledge is power so employ the PI.

PatchworkElmer · 23/02/2024 07:49

I’d 100% go for it. I’d also apply for the police checks, but there’s a high chance he’s lying about his identity so they could be pointless on their own.

NikNak321 · 23/02/2024 07:50

I really empathise with you OP. I too was in my 30's and sometimes felt terribly panicked and looked into sperm donation... MULTIPLE times. Sometimes it could be very overpowering. However I feel VERY uneasy about this situation and clearly you do now the madness of the desire to have a child has worn off.

Firstly this man was on a co-parenting website with little desire to co-parent it seems. With this info you therefore have to consider his ACTUAL motivations. I think we can only conclude it was sexual and possibly a need to spread his seed and create mini me's across the land. There have been actual cases of the latter and would explain his dwindling interest. There are only so many hours in the day after all; and probably other ladies to zone in on and impregnate. It's highly likely that there is a family in the wings and multiple 'donation' women and siblings spread about. It would also explain his secretive behaviour.

I would get an investigator, but keep it to yourself the results. A person who behaves in this way enjoys control over others preying on women desperate for babies to get what he needs. Who knows what he's capable of!! Regardless of the investigation results (I would ask them in particular to look at payments to other accounts). At absolute minimum this is an unhealthy connection on so many levels and you don't want this man to be a role model for your child. Better an absent father than one that is nothing he seems. Good luck OP ❤️

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2024 07:54

Surely you should have thought about all this before conceiving.

puzzledout · 23/02/2024 08:00

Ilovelurchers · 23/02/2024 07:33

OP, I apologise on behalf of the human race for the vile responses you have had on here.

Presumably all of these respondents think that the only acceptable family unit is a straight man and woman who are married having a child together.

Many of us these days realise that single women, lesbian couples etc can make great parents too.

Your choice was effectively using a sperm.donor, you just shagged him instead of artificial insemination. I am staggered that the concept of a sperm donor seems so new and so revolting to these people.

It really isn't.

But yes he is probably married. I can't see he is more likely to be a paedophile than any other man - he may be one of course but so could anyone. I can't quite see why people think he is likely to be one. Does he even want to spend time alone with the child? You don't mention him requesting this.

Good luck.

Apologise on behalf of the human race..... give over!

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2024 08:00

Maybe he's illegally here

Lifebeganat50 · 23/02/2024 08:15

If you can’t find him online then he has you blocked or is lying about his background and name.

Not always the case..my dh has zero internet presence other than his email address, because he’s never done any form of Social Media/linked in etc…nothing to hide, just no interest or need.

However, people wonder why so many youngsters have mental health issues whilst this kind of stuff goes on…what a fucked up world we’re living in

Bubblybooboo · 23/02/2024 08:23

I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned Sarah’s law? If I’m England you can make a Sarah’s law app (and maybe a Claire’s law app) to the police and they will disclose if they are aware of anything making him a risk to children. Obviously this is only things that have been recorded and even if nothing is recorded he could be a risk. But it’s a worthwhile check.

Personally I’d just have no contact between him and my child until he provided more details abojt his identity. Doe his payments go through CSA? Or does he transfer to your bank?

Ducksinthebath · 23/02/2024 08:29

It’s not really like sperm donation though, is it? Since donation is regulated by a legal framework whereas bunking up with a random off the internet isn’t.

BloodyAdultDC · 23/02/2024 08:31

I googled him several times, searched him on facebook and LinkedIn using his name, university and occupation - he is nowhere to be seen.

Last fella I met up with that I couldn't 'stalk' in any way was a proper wrong'un, ended up serving 7 years for dating scam fraud, was on national TV and everything. I can't believe you had a baby with him op. Ye gods...

Lex345 · 23/02/2024 08:45

On this site, are there any vetting procedures at all OP? What about the risk of STD's? More than a little concerned that this site could easily be used to target vulnerable women.

TinyGingerCat · 23/02/2024 08:47

You keep saying this was right for you and that being broody is an excuse for taking complete leave of your senses. Your child is a person in their own right - where did you consider if any of this was right for them? You said you didn't want a sperm donor because the child wouldn't know their father (although by law they have the right to know from 18 now). Yet you appear to have had a baby with a man whose address you don't even know. I've not RTFT but i hope to god you had an std check with this man. Given the mess you are in I would do everything i could to find out who the hell this man is and then you can decided if you want him in your child life and if not you have a few years to work out how you explain this mess to your child.