AIBU to want to hire a private investigator to check on DS' dad?

[SylvanianAddict]

Hi all,

I had turned 36 and wanted a baby so much but was running out of time.
So I went on Co-parents.co.uk to look for a guy to have a baby with me. I found him and we decided to try and conceive 'naturally'.

Initially, I was keen on the idea but after suffering from panic-fuelled bouts of insomnia, I realised I felt so weird and guilty about it, while still feeling desperately broody. So I told him I was scared. I said I didn't want to be a single mum. He was so kind and reassuring, told me I wouldn't be a single mum. There seemed to be a spark between us and I started to like him a lot.

We conceived after a few attempts and last year, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. It's the best decision I have ever made, he means everything to me. The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I prefer it this way - the baby is with me 100% of the time and sees his dad on occasion. He also pays a monthly amount of money for DS' maintenance.

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?' and he would keep evading it, saying that his private life is extremely complicated and that maybe he would tell me one day. But one day, it became unbearable for me and I asked for the truth. He got so stressed and angry (not taking it out on me, just feeling cornered and bothered) and asked why did it matter if his private life wasn't harming me and DS?

We're now on good enough terms - I don't ask him anything about his private life and he understands that I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore.

But DS is now growing up and will soon start speaking. He will eventually be curious about his dad and will want to spend more time with him, even staying over with him.

The problem is, it still bothers me that DS' father hasn't told me about his private life - what on earth is he hiding? He assured me that he isn't a criminal and that his name and age (DOB) are correct. And I want to trust him, he is otherwise very kind and gentlemanly and fatherly.

I feel really weird and icky even contemplating hiring a private investigator BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know.

I found a company that charges £375 to find out almost everything about him.

Am I being unreasonable here or is he being unreasonable?

Good idea re Private investigator, Sarah's Law, DNA, Google Reverse Image and getting info from Co Parents @SylvanianAddict

There's obviously something to hide otherwise he would have just told you his background. I'm guessing that he's married with a family. It's as well to know.

Private investigators won’t hack anything- they can do non intrusive surveillance to follow people to see where they go and they can search social media, electoral role, birth certificate info etc, basically all things you can do yourself except maybe the surveillance.

So what if he found out he lied OP then what? I think it's better you are none the wiser otherwise you could be opening a tin of worms.

I don't think I'm better at all. I just think you are bring unreasonable here to be fair on the man he does sound half decent as he pays!

@SylvanianAddict a PI won't hack anything, they will pay to access the electoral roll assuming you know where he lives.

If you don't know where he lives they will find out his car registration and track him that way.

If all else fails they will follow him, find out where he lives and go from there.

As it happens, I had my DCs when I was very young. I understand; you were 36, you knew now or never was looming, so you did what you did.

My job is Safeguarding, as long as you love your DS and do all the right things, you don't deserve scorn. I see too many damaged DCs to judge the parent of a child who was desperately wanted, is loved, cared for, has all of their needs met and isn't abused.

As for DS'd Dad, you could have asked the questions beforehand, he would probably have lied to you.

So long as you aren't going to tell his wife and DCs because the chances are high that's what he's hiding, the PI is a good idea.
FWIW I think he's lied about his name which is why you can't find him online.

I can see your latest posts have been deleted lovely. I hope Mumsnet is providing you with some support ❤️. People make judgements on here all time and are not as considerate because it's an online forum. Try to acknowledge that and take a lot of what's been said harshly in terms of your previous decisions with a pinch of salt...and take the meaningful advice away only. I am glad you found my previous advice useful 👍

The urge to have a child can be overwhelming particularly when you feel your time is running out. The fact that you posted here says your questioning his background and his suitability to be around your child. That is wise given the circumstances and his strange and secretive nature. Deception and secrets are foundations of no positive relationship and would also be your son's experience in time as he grows. I wonder if you have a non-judgemental friend or at least someone who will show you unconditional support you can talk to?Sometimes it can be hard to talk to others if you feel they won't approve...but someone who you trust and loves you and your son could move past that I'm sure to support you at this time. Good luck OP ❤️

But to do that, they need accurate information. There is no proof that the OP has this.

sent you a pm OP.

Some very nasty people on here and unhelpful comments.

OP you could try putting his name in 192.com or Companies House.
https://find-and-update.company-information.service.gov.uk/?_ga=2.218057174.1904520248.1708592544-1600380751.1704280642

Pretty worried about you @SylvanianAddict. Your posts and decision making is all a bit concerning. Do you have some real life support you can tap into? I don’t just mean medical professionals.

If he's a member of a profession, he will be listed on a register for that profession, which may be available to search online.

You didn't think to find out if he was a paedophile/sex offender before having a baby with him??

Be honest. Part of this is to do with your DS, but the bigger part is that YOU want to know about this person. You're not trying to protect your DS, you're annoyed that he's kept you at arms length.

Exactly this - all this you shouldn't have done this or that doesn't help - she can't build a time machine and change what has happened.

To the OP - I think what you do now is based on if you / he intends to have a relationship with the child and you try to ascertain as much as possible if this is safe in the same way you would anyone who comes into your child's life.
The minimum is proof of name/address and that would allow you to carry it out the Claire' Law checks.
What is his job ? some jobs require an enhanced dbs and this will show any convictions (or not) This is perfectly reasonable for contact

Some of the other things - possibly not your business as you are not in a relationship with him nor have you been.

natural rather than ai insemination has complicated things with the co parent thing - does there website have any screening process - ie you need to upload ID to join or is it a more informal loosely putting people in contact type thing?

Babies are not status symbol or accessories. They are small, vulnerable human beings, who deserve 2 loving parents and an environment that looks after and nurtures them.
I find your whole approach totally immoral and massively selfish.

Everytime I read this post its strange and slightly annoying. You wanted a baby for your own reasons. But why question now if he's a pervert, or on sex offenders register, a serial killer etc. I understand why you did what you did. But jeez you wanted a baby, you got pregnant now you want more. Was it really a baby you wanted or was it not to be alone.

I suspect the latter, as the OP wrote: "I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore".

I've been following this thread for the past few days and in honesty I feel really sympathetic to the OP, I can in my heart of heart's understand her desire to know more.

Emotions and hormones and all that goes with bringing little people into this world can impact us all and bring feelings out.

Personally sometimes it's simply better not to know and live with what you have, private investigators and internet searches might reveal something you would much better not too know and end up hurting yourself and your baby.

If you were to find something adverse you might end up destroying a relationship you have and why??? even if you didn't find anything and he discovered that could lead to a toxic situation between you and never see or hear from your babies father and what would that achieve?

Accepting your situation is the first step.

Not knowing reminds me of the following saying "ignorance is bliss" perhaps better to keep it that way.

To those knocking the OP, we've all made mistakes in our lives and it's unkind to disparage the OP, better to support her and help than throw stones.

Lv Nicola

The other hilarious, and awful thing that you don't seem to realise OP is that he could sue for custody, and if he does he'll get it.

You conceived through sex, so it doesn't matter that you met him on a coparenting site - he's the legal father of your child, which wouldn't have been the case if you'd done things properly.

You can't just choose to drop contact or refuse to let him alone with your child now, because if you do? He could very well take you to court and is almost guaranteed to get unsupervised access.

The best case scenario is that he's married and wanted sex on the side.

I hope you find a way to explain this to your child one day.

It was a donor and they don't usually get visitation rights etc. And most people prefer it that way. If you wanted happy families then you went to the wrong site.

Wouldn't involve DS with him and when DS is old enough much much older can explain a bit more. And then DS can decide if he wants to be involved or not. Best not to put your child at risk.

The fact that you posted here says your questioning his background and his suitability to be around your child. That is wise given the circumstances and his strange and secretive nature. Deception and secrets are foundations of no positive relationship and would also be your son's

Well maybe she should have done the investigating before she embarked on this, rather than wait until later.

Honestly, the world has gone mad!

I totally agree.

Why would an absent father get custody? Do you mean contact? Unless she was a dreadful parent she wouldnt lose residency.

I don't believe how judgey people are here. Many children are brought up by single parents and have good and happy lives. Surely you're aware that many men abandon their children and they are still brought up happy and healthy?

I worked with a female colleague who really wanted a child despite the fact she was not in a long term relationship. She decided to move home to be near her family, she got donated sperm and she had a lovely daughter. She carried on with her career and she had a lovely home and life. The daughter is well adjusted and smart and now off at university. How do you get to judge lovely caring lives?

I also don't understand the poster who said the father could get custody. In what world do you imagine a completely uninterested and absent father would be given residence/custody over a present and caring Mum?

Really these are very archaic attitudes that seem to be purely designed to judge and attack the OP.

He sees the child and pays maintenance, that's not the definition of an absent father.

He could quite easily make a case for joint custody if he went through the legal system. Perhaps not straight off the bat given the child's age but he would get unsupervised access leading to overnight and an almost even split in terms of custody if that's what he wanted.