AIBU to want to hire a private investigator to check on DS' dad?

[SylvanianAddict]

Hi all,

I had turned 36 and wanted a baby so much but was running out of time.
So I went on Co-parents.co.uk to look for a guy to have a baby with me. I found him and we decided to try and conceive 'naturally'.

Initially, I was keen on the idea but after suffering from panic-fuelled bouts of insomnia, I realised I felt so weird and guilty about it, while still feeling desperately broody. So I told him I was scared. I said I didn't want to be a single mum. He was so kind and reassuring, told me I wouldn't be a single mum. There seemed to be a spark between us and I started to like him a lot.

We conceived after a few attempts and last year, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. It's the best decision I have ever made, he means everything to me. The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I prefer it this way - the baby is with me 100% of the time and sees his dad on occasion. He also pays a monthly amount of money for DS' maintenance.

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?' and he would keep evading it, saying that his private life is extremely complicated and that maybe he would tell me one day. But one day, it became unbearable for me and I asked for the truth. He got so stressed and angry (not taking it out on me, just feeling cornered and bothered) and asked why did it matter if his private life wasn't harming me and DS?

We're now on good enough terms - I don't ask him anything about his private life and he understands that I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore.

But DS is now growing up and will soon start speaking. He will eventually be curious about his dad and will want to spend more time with him, even staying over with him.

The problem is, it still bothers me that DS' father hasn't told me about his private life - what on earth is he hiding? He assured me that he isn't a criminal and that his name and age (DOB) are correct. And I want to trust him, he is otherwise very kind and gentlemanly and fatherly.

I feel really weird and icky even contemplating hiring a private investigator BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know.

I found a company that charges £375 to find out almost everything about him.

Am I being unreasonable here or is he being unreasonable?

'I was so desperate to have a child that I was blinded because he is good-looking, has a high-ish IQ and does a very difficult professional job - which are all qualities I wanted my baby to have and now that he is born, he is literally perfect.'
@SylvanianAddict

This is so unhealthy and such an h fair expectation on your child.

If you're not careful, your child will grow up with serious self esteem and mental gal health problems.

Children aren't something to fill a void or fix something you're missing.

Genuinely and kindly, I think you need professional help and I think you need to tread incredibly carefully.

And contemplating leaving your baby with him?

The mind boggles.

@Itscatsallthewaydown "you can justify any kind of bullshit with this attitude"

The point is, it is not your right nor your business to condemn OP's life choices. Nor is she obliged to justify herself to you or anyone else (with the exception of her son, in due course).

As @equuscaballus says, posting some advice would be more beneficial than spouting off about how much more superior of a human being you think you are.

Everyone who has addressed OP's actual question thinks she should engage the PI and get the answers she needs to inform her actions going forward.

Is he on the birth certificate? Are you sure of his name?

@KevinKostnerOfferedMeACremeEggOnce "Children aren't something to fill a void or fix something you're missing".

So smug marrieds have babies because the world simply can't do without the propagation of their genes? Or because they just fancy spending a quarter of a million quid?

No, they have them because it is a deep-seated human instinct to reproduce. You're saying the OP should have sacrificed her innate needs because she wasn't lucky enough to meet a long term partner.

Many couples split up and many family situations are way more toxic for kids than having one loving single parent.

You need to start at the beginning because it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s not even told you his real name.

Look at the account that transfers you maintenance. Is it his name ?

If you can’t find him online then he has you blocked or is lying about his background and name. Try somebody else’s account to see if you can find him. If you know which company Google his name, job title … If he’s self employed, look for his company on Companies House. Does he have a hobby like a favourite football team or band? Look through their followers and see if he pops up. You won’t see him if you are blocked though.

Do an image search of the pic on his profile for the co-parenting website. Have you checked the co-parenting site to see if he’s on there? If it works like social media then your original
account might be locked so you might have to make another account.

I think that you should have employed the PI before trying for a baby but I’m not in your situation so can say this without issue. If he takes you to court, he could have your son up to 50% of the time so you need to know what you’re letting yourself in for.

@LauderSyme excellent posts.

People cohabit and/or get married without truly knowing the other person. Most child abuse occurs within the family home. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they won't harm your child.

Predatory men groom women into relationships/marriage and go on to abuse the resulting children. This isn't the case here, fortunately for OP and her DS.

I'd say the OP's son is safer than many as OP doesn't live with this man. Her DS is truly loved and cared for by OP and her family. That's more than many, many children have.

And yes, engage a PI if you like, OP. I hope you can get the answers you're looking for.

I'm fully aware the deep instinct to reproduce and know how that feels.

No need to twist my words.

But I, and many others on this thread, think this is absolutely bonkers.

As I said, no one has a right to have a baby. As shit as it is. But to go on a website and pick a 'co-parent' based on looks and IQ and then have sex with them while knowing NOTHING about them, is bonkers.

Accidents happen from ONS etc, of course.

But to actively do this is actually bonkers. And then try and get a private investigator against the guy?!

Yeah, I feel for the child. Desperately.

@KevinKostnerOfferedMeACremeEggOnce If no one has a right to have a baby then we'd better shut down all the fertility and infertility treatments on offer with immediate effect.

I fervently don't believe that we should do that, BTW.

I only put YABU because you had a baby with someone you didn’t know. If you had used an anonymous donor and brought the baby into the world alone then I wouldn’t of said YABU but you found a donor and had a baby with him with the intention to co parent with someone you don’t know properly or fully.
Although I do think you need to find out what the secret is or cut the dad out because how is your son supposed to have a normal upbringing if he is a secret on one side of the family?

Well I'd rather not as I have 6 embryos in the freezer.

Why do you keep twisting my words? What is that gaining?

He never wanted a baby, he wanted unprotected sex. Ot might even be a fetish, that's why he wants you nowhere near his family. They dont know about the baby.

He wants minimal contact and you should count yourself lucky you arent handing your baby over to someone who is a stranger. He is a stranger. You know nothing about him.

But if you’d used a donor your child would be in a better position than the one you’ve placed him and yourself in, but then you wouldn’t have the maintenance each month so 🤷‍♀️

Jesus christ what have I just read? 🙄 You found some random bloke off a website to shag so you could get pregnant and NOW you are worried about his background? 😐

Pay for PI, you're just going to go nuts otherwise just be prepared for the worst!

Good looking, clever people with good jobs are surely not on these sorts of websites 🫤 realistically.

@KevinKostnerOfferedMeACremeEggOnce

I am not twisting your words. I am applying them to everybody equally, including the OP.

I am hoping that you might be able to see just a tiny bit that your judgements about OP are coming from a very you-centred place, where people who make decisions coming from a place similar to you are alright, whereas people who don't, like OP, are all wrong.

This is what someone should do before - not after - deciding to have a baby with a complete stranger.

I could tell my wider (middle eastern, non-muslim) community that I dated a guy, had a baby with him and separated soon after the baby's birth. That is much more palatable than saying to people 'he comes from a sperm donor'.

Lying is preferable to using a sperm donor?

This post certainly isn't an example of that.

I think the judgements and decisions that the OP had made are very self centred, personally.

I mean surely to get a Pi on him she needs to know his actual name / number / dob.

Unless she’s got really really deep pockets to pay for the kind that actually trail him on the whim of one of his visits. Where they are also not already booked up.

also pondering. Can children do those ancestry dna tests? Could op do that on some kind of private mode where she could see links due to baby being a minor but others would see who the baby is?

I reckon he's married.

I wouldn't hire a private investigator, but I would tell him if he can't be honest with you about who he is then you will never allow unsupervised visitation although he is still able to visit supervised. I would also do a Sarah's Law check.

How do people think gay and lesbian couples conceive babies of course it's via websites like the one OP describes. I'm surprised though that it's not more policed re identities and that the method of conception was physically having sex.

But OP I'm sorry for your situation and worries. I'm not really sure about getting private investigators. Are you saying that when you looked him up before the baby was born there was no trace of him anywhere? How can you know what his profession is or believe any of the things he's told you?

I do think he's probably married or in a relationship. He could have done this many times.

Using private investigator may in fact be illegal and could dig the OP into all sorts of trouble.

May be better not to know, in honesty it's really easy for someone to buy fake ID on the dark web, plenty of stories the online of fake driving licences and passports and birth certificates for very little money.

The other scary thought, it the following headline in the Daily Mail;

• 'My wife's not very happy!' Married sperm donor, 62, who has fathered 66 children with 14 more on the way says his other half didn't know at first but insists: 'I didn't lie, I just didn’t tell her'

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5781797/Married-sperm-donor-62-fathered-66-children.html

How many other's "Clive 62's" are there out there like.

I feel for the OP but sometimes better to not know than put yourself through it.

Take care x

Hear me out.
Let's put the criminal element aside. Hypothetically the investigation reveals he is married or comes from a highly conservative religious family that doesn't believe in children without marriage or anything from a range of those issues. What impact does that have on you and your situation. You say you are happy ds is with you 100% of the time. You say he gives you money to look after DS and visits occasionally. What more do you want from him? Isn't that what Co parenting is? To share the responsibility for a child you have with someone. Isn't that what he is doing? Or is it the case that you want more? You got a child which is what you want. You got a co parent also what you asked for. What does knowledge of his family or private has anything to do with what you wanted?
It sounds like you want more from him which is not what you guys initially agreed on.