AIBU to want to hire a private investigator to check on DS' dad?

[SylvanianAddict]

Hi all,

I had turned 36 and wanted a baby so much but was running out of time.
So I went on Co-parents.co.uk to look for a guy to have a baby with me. I found him and we decided to try and conceive 'naturally'.

Initially, I was keen on the idea but after suffering from panic-fuelled bouts of insomnia, I realised I felt so weird and guilty about it, while still feeling desperately broody. So I told him I was scared. I said I didn't want to be a single mum. He was so kind and reassuring, told me I wouldn't be a single mum. There seemed to be a spark between us and I started to like him a lot.

We conceived after a few attempts and last year, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. It's the best decision I have ever made, he means everything to me. The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I prefer it this way - the baby is with me 100% of the time and sees his dad on occasion. He also pays a monthly amount of money for DS' maintenance.

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?' and he would keep evading it, saying that his private life is extremely complicated and that maybe he would tell me one day. But one day, it became unbearable for me and I asked for the truth. He got so stressed and angry (not taking it out on me, just feeling cornered and bothered) and asked why did it matter if his private life wasn't harming me and DS?

We're now on good enough terms - I don't ask him anything about his private life and he understands that I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore.

But DS is now growing up and will soon start speaking. He will eventually be curious about his dad and will want to spend more time with him, even staying over with him.

The problem is, it still bothers me that DS' father hasn't told me about his private life - what on earth is he hiding? He assured me that he isn't a criminal and that his name and age (DOB) are correct. And I want to trust him, he is otherwise very kind and gentlemanly and fatherly.

I feel really weird and icky even contemplating hiring a private investigator BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know.

I found a company that charges £375 to find out almost everything about him.

Am I being unreasonable here or is he being unreasonable?

It might not be that he's a cheating peodophile. Maybe he's married and his wife is infertile and he doesn't want to hurt her but wanted to be a father. You really need to create a situation where he has your confidence and feels able to be honest with you. His secrets are a justifiable reason for refusing unaccompanied access, point this out to him.
You can do a google image search with his photo. There's ways of sending emails and their getting IP address which might tell you where he lives ( if he's not using a VPN).
And for all the judging posts.. people have one night stands and get pregnant, and people marry poedophiles
!

I know someone who had a child with an affair whilst he was married and his wife was infertile.

He lived a couple life with his wife accepting they would never had children.

He also lived with the knowledge that he had a child, that happened to look do much like him it was scary, giving the mum some money there and then, and meeting the child occasionally.

The mum knew of his situation but somehow went with it, maybe because of the guilt of the affair and lying about being on the pill.

The fact that the wife so desperately wanted a child and that she had to go through a very difficult psychological process of accepting it would never happened made it all much more worse.

This was years ago, no idea how it ended but reading your posts made me think of it.

This married donor - to me, sounds like he wanted a guilt free shag(s) He clearly thought that you would disappear afterwards and now he wants to disappear. You need to let him go and think about how this all came about.

Yes hire a private investigator or/and do Sarah's law application.

If in the worst case scenario this man is an abuser if he wants to abuse or take your child he will find a way whether you are there or not.

It's extremely worrying that he hasn't told anyone about the baby and that you haven't met anyone from his family.

Because he is married!

People get pregnant through one night stands, accidentally or on purpose to have babies. Or go through long expensive donor processes, which can include a lot of medical process. OP obviously it would have been good to know his background better but I really don't think what you did is unfair on your DS or a crazy thing to have done. It's nice to hear you have your perfect baby boy 🤗

I think most decisions people make are head and shoulders above this one - sorry!
Having a stranger give you a baby without knowing anything about them is absolutely mental.

OP, I hope you get the answers you’re looking for.

That's not his real name.
That's not his real job.
I bet he insisted on 'natural' insemination 🤢
He's done this to far, far more women.
Your son is going to have lots of half siblings when he wants a DNA test in due course.

A donor would have been medically screened, and his sperm only used a limited number of times. Surely when researching ways to get pregnant, you heard about all the men who have deceived dozens or hundreds of parents? E.g. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-65429936.amp or
https://metro.co.uk/2022/06/05/meet-the-women-desperately-seeking-semen-on-social-media-and-the-men-eagerly-volunteering-their-natural-insemination-services-16764799/amp/

The Human Fertility & Embryology Authority even warns against these men.
"If you decide to meet a man who you do not know, you should be careful not to put yourself at risk. Some donors may be genuine in their intentions, but some may not be, and rather than offering artificial insemination they may insist on ‘natural’ insemination"

Have you tried getting in touch with the website you met on? Surely a site for people to have children on would have information on each member?

I agree with @Ilovelurchers (although not with her username ) - I always celebrate women who decide to take control of their fertility rather than wait for someone to turn up and risk not having children at all.

If you can spare £375, I think it will be money well spent so that you have some information at least. Your son's father sounds slippery and evasive - some people are just naturally very secretive, others are trying to cover something up. Knowledge is power - whatever the report says, it will give you the option of moving on and no longer obsessing about what if's.

Good luck.

I don't understand all the guilt tripping about how ds was conceived as if there aren't babies born every day from one night stands etc. Very rarely do people in real life vet their partner and you can be together for years and have no idea what the person you're with is actually like it's not like there aren't people who hide things especially like the things you're now worried about. This is far from the worst imaginable scenario at least the baby was wanted and is cared for. Don't let the comments bring you down

This.

Well you're not apologising for the human race 🙄

And this is completely different to sperm donation. At least that's regulated and vetted.

This Joe blogs could have genetic life changing conditions.
It's incredibly different, and incredibly silly. But what's done is done.

Some of these comments are really unhelpful. I would personally hire someone! Crazy as it sounds he’s kind of given you no choice. I don’t know how you can wait to tell if this man is ok.

I wonder about this too.

It concerns me he got all upset and cried when you asked about his past. It makes absolutely no sense. Please find out.

Yes. The op made a mistake. She was desperate and it’s done now. Can we please stop hounding her? Ideally she gets this sorted asap.

This!

Your original intention was to be a solo parent with donor sperms. Then you wanted co parent.
This guy is giving you some money and some support and in exchange is asking for privacy. Fair enough.
I don't think you seem worried that he is a pedophile. But if you are then you can check this.
I am not sure what you want to know other than you seem annoyed he won't tell you. I'm not sure he owes you this much.
If DS asks then he can make a decision to tell DS at the time DS asks. That's up to h and DS really

You could've checked - you just didn't

You were happy enough to shag him to have a baby - you know nothing about this man

YABU

I wish your baby luck

And to echo PP, if this is the 'best decision' you ever made, I don't understand how you make it through a day

OP you have been incredibly naive here I didn't even know there were such websites! Never heard of this.

You have got an excellent deal here, he could of just ghosted you. You don't know this man from Adam personally I can't understand why any man would want to do this?? Just why! Many mothers don't get a penny for their kids and they have been in a relationship or known the father for several years. I can understand why he hasn't told his family.

You NEED to be realistic. He's probably lied about a lot of things, MOST people would be on Google OR some type of Facebook. Can you check linked in??

If you can afford it, yes I'd hire the PI.

Assuming it's legal.

Why not? Should there only be thick ugly munters on there?

That particular website, when read with its Trustpilot reviews, is a worry. Lots of "NI" adverts on there. Seems incredibly risky and completely unvetted

What's "NI"?

I'm in my 30's and didn't have a clue either. I must lead a very shelter life lol 😝

Natural insemination -so you can imagine this definitely ensures only altrusitic males who wish to co parent post there :/ (also number of posts saying no contact after impregnation is hardly co parenting :/)