AIBU to want to hire a private investigator to check on DS' dad?

[SylvanianAddict]

Hi all,

I had turned 36 and wanted a baby so much but was running out of time.
So I went on Co-parents.co.uk to look for a guy to have a baby with me. I found him and we decided to try and conceive 'naturally'.

Initially, I was keen on the idea but after suffering from panic-fuelled bouts of insomnia, I realised I felt so weird and guilty about it, while still feeling desperately broody. So I told him I was scared. I said I didn't want to be a single mum. He was so kind and reassuring, told me I wouldn't be a single mum. There seemed to be a spark between us and I started to like him a lot.

We conceived after a few attempts and last year, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. It's the best decision I have ever made, he means everything to me. The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I prefer it this way - the baby is with me 100% of the time and sees his dad on occasion. He also pays a monthly amount of money for DS' maintenance.

When I asked him if he had told his parents and siblings about the baby, he said no. I asked him why, and he said that they would be shocked. Over the course of the year, I kept asking the same question, 'Why would your family be shocked?' 'Is it because you are married?' and he would keep evading it, saying that his private life is extremely complicated and that maybe he would tell me one day. But one day, it became unbearable for me and I asked for the truth. He got so stressed and angry (not taking it out on me, just feeling cornered and bothered) and asked why did it matter if his private life wasn't harming me and DS?

We're now on good enough terms - I don't ask him anything about his private life and he understands that I have to protect my emotions, which means I won't be affectionate and physical with him anymore.

But DS is now growing up and will soon start speaking. He will eventually be curious about his dad and will want to spend more time with him, even staying over with him.

The problem is, it still bothers me that DS' father hasn't told me about his private life - what on earth is he hiding? He assured me that he isn't a criminal and that his name and age (DOB) are correct. And I want to trust him, he is otherwise very kind and gentlemanly and fatherly.

I feel really weird and icky even contemplating hiring a private investigator BUT I will literally do anything to protect my DS from harm - my worst fear is that his dad is a p*phile or a registered sex offender. THAT's what I want to know.

I found a company that charges £375 to find out almost everything about him.

Am I being unreasonable here or is he being unreasonable?

You say OP that there are mainly gay and lesbian people on the website you used to meet this man? I would surmise then that this man is most probably gay.

Why did you decide to conceive naturally? Joint decision? I am getting the sense that you might be very immature/ vulnerable and have been taken advantage of here, though I know you initiated it. What kind of man would be on a site like this? Really uncomfortable about it all. If it is true your only concern is for your child, NOT the man you know nothing about (apart from the huge red flag that he was on that site and willing to do what he did in the first place).

Good grief ! You wanted a baby so you made sure you got one - you even get maintenance !

You started to get feelings for him, and now as you are not together you decide to find out more about him - for your baby's sake ( apparently ! )

Bit late now !

Has he ever even suggested he wants to see his child, have overnights etc.

You got what you wanted - a baby !

Are you trying to break up someone's marriage ?
Do you think the father will be with you if he could ?

@CombatLingerie I hadn't considered gay... I was thinking some strange men might get weird kicks out of this sort of thing, finding vulnerable/ desperate women. I do hope it's not true as it sounds very wrong.

He's not a donor. I met him on a website called Coparents a bit like Match.com but it's to find someone to have a baby with - either a donor or a co-parent.

I found the idea of sperm donation very scary - the child wouldn't know who their father was and it could be anybody. This way, there would be a human touch and my baby would be meeting his dad every once in a while. I could tell my wider (middle eastern, non-muslim) community that I dated a guy, had a baby with him and separated soon after the baby's birth. That is much more palatable than saying to people 'he comes from a sperm donor'.

My family were shocked and we had many arguments but now that the baby is here, they love him to bits.

I am the youngest member of a very large family and not even one of my siblings had a child. My siblings who are in a relationship/marriage are infertile and the ones who are not infertile are not in a relationship and never want to be in one. I

There are websites where you can find someone to dump their load into you? Yuk.

I googled him several times, searched him on facebook and LinkedIn using his name, university and occupation - he is nowhere to be seen.

You have no idea who this man is.

Of course it didn't occur to you to perhaps find out who you were having unprotected sex with beforehand. Honestly I despair with some women.

Can believe he is paying you maintenance

Its very strange that you were not bothered about him being a paedophile or a sex offender when trying to conceive but now it's important.

Fucking hell this is grim stuff

Why do you suddenly think he might be a sex offender?
I think that under Sarah’s Law you can apply to the Police to find out if someone is a registered sex offender.

RosieIs44 · Today 00:05

Something is a bit weird about this post.

You're right. Something is a bit weird about many, many posts on this site now.

I'd definitely pay to find out more information. You probably should have done this before you conceived, but I understand your desperation.

It's horrible to be a secret and for your child to be one too. I know from experience. I didn't expect to be in that situation as we had been together for two years, but realised that he hadn't told his family that we had a child, so I did when my DC was 8 months. She's never been fully accepted, but I still think it's better that they knew of her existence.

How do you know his name is his name. Like have you seen his drivers license? A birth certificate? Do you get maintenance via cms or does he just sling you a few bob.

He could be a married man using a face account. He could be a gay man who wanted a child maybe and sucked it up for a few tries. He could be a sexual offender or anybody.

You could be googling a Mr Andrew Shagsbot when his name is Andrew Mallory but goes by Andy on his Facebook if he has one and that’s if he uses a fake name near to his real one. If it’s. A fake.

Can you do reverse image searches of all photos you have of him? You might find his social media or his wife's social media account

What bank account name do the payments come from or is it cash? Can you afford it if these stop if you annoy him?

Nothing stopping your hiring a personal investigator if you feel you need to

I'm assuming you've not put him on birth cert with his real name. Could you tell him you want to apply for passport or get baby christened and need his id for that,

This is one of those situations where I think I'm cool & liberated but in fact I go back into my conservative box on reading posts like these.

No to the PI. Yes to the police requests. But you should have done all the vetting before baby came along. This is so irresponsible.

It's not just your baby, it's his baby too It is very rare for a dad who wants to see their dc not to be granted this by law.

Wow! You can't undo what has been done but you still have your head in the sand if you think he probably isn't a child molester as he doesn't seem like one and you will 'try' to not leave your child alone with him. You also don't know that he is a professional just from his word.
Do you have his full name and address? You can check some stuff via 192 and council tax and see who else is listed in the house.

I would have thought there are easier ways for men to cheat than signing up to donor websites which suggestion artificial insemination.
I think him being married is probably the least bad scenario out of a lot of potential bad senarios.

OP, I think you are getting a lot of flack here for doing what many women do, which is to get pregnant with someone they don't know well and have a baby. It creates a tricky situation, but it's certainly not the 1950s anymore and these things do happen.

You haven't yet had a straight answer really, but yes, I would hire a PI. I'd do the Sarah's Law disclosure request, though you may need to make a case about why you need this information. I did one about someone (who does in fact have a record of convictions for child sexual offfences as it turns out!) and they wouldn't do the disclosure because I couldn't make a good enough case about why I needed it. You would assume because this is your DS's father that it would be a good enough reason, but in my case, the person was also a family member who had a contact with my dc, so you never know.

And yes, I'd hire a PI. I hired a PI related to concerns about a family member (not the same one as above) and it was really worth doing. They were able to give me the information I needed and to explain what it meant in laymen's terms so I understood what I was looking at. It helped me make a decision to go NC with several family members and meant that I kept my dc safe from what turned out to be a dangerous person. It was money well spent.

In your case, I don't think this is just about finding out if your DS's dad is a danger to him. It's really about figuring out if you've had a child with the person you think you did. It would be no different to having a one night stand and conceiving a child with someone who you later come to believe isn't who they said they are. If, say, he turns out to be married, I wouldn't do anything with that information, like contact his wife, no. I would just want to have the full picture of the person I am co-parenting with. It sounds like he hasn't been fully truthful by his own admission, and I personally, yes, would want to know the truth and would be willing to pay someone to find it for me.

This is SUCH a weird thing to say given that this is exactly what you ‘signed up for’ so to speak;
The problem is that the co-parent and I aren't together. I was kind of misled and now, I am pretty much a single mother.
It was daft, to say the least, to do this. So irresponsible. Yes to the PI, I would think, the more you can find out about this stranger, the better.

Lots of people here feeling loftily self-righteous and complacent that their decision-making abilities are far superior to OP's. I think you need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before judging them.

Yes, definitely hire a PI to investigate him. The price seems reasonable for providing you with answers about such a crucially important issue.

Enjoy your gorgeous boy 😍

@SylvanianAddict are you for real??? desperately want a baby, need anyone to sire, get pregnant, dont want to be a single parent???? and then get child support??? you need your head looked at!!!

Lots of people here feeling loftily self-righteous and complacent that their decision-making abilities are far superior to OP's. I think you need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before judging them

you can justify any kind of bullshit with this attitude

I think there have been enough of the "I can't believe that you did this" and "you've been very naive" posts now.

If people could start posting some actual advice regarding the situation as it is NOW, then the OP and her little boy might actually see some benefit?