Do I tell DS's sons dad that his mum is moving schools in 2 days?

[Awaanbileyirheid]

Ds came home from school today crying as his best friend is moving schools on Monday. (They're 11).
Thing is, his dad has not consented to move and has joint custody.
BF lives 50/50 with mum in one town and dad in our town. They're from here, been at school here from nursery.
BF mum moved 20 mins away last year with new boyfriend. Just after his dad was awarded joint custody. Dad hasnt got a car so they've shared kid since but remained at school.
I get on with both parents but his dad makes more effort with kid as he sees at that age, kids want to do stuff with friends.
Mum thinks he's autistic (he's not diagnosed) and rarely allows play dates.
Today DS and BF crying as mum moving schools to her new town. All secret tho, he mustnt tell his dad.
Do I tell the dad? The poor kid is in pieces as is my DS.
Or is it none of my business? Keep gob shut and comfort kids?

Well realistically the dad is going to find out in a few days anyway, and by the sounds of it he has a court order to prevent the child moving schools so if my female friend was in this position I'd be inclined to tell her to let it go ahead and then go straight to court because it wouldn't look good for the dad.

I do wonder if there's more to this though, perhaps the mum is moving him due to believing he is autistic and thinking he will get more support elsewhere, she might be trying to advocate for her child as opposed to just moving the child for the sake of it.

Not your business

If the dad was my friend, sure I'd tell him. It sounds like it's not in the best interests of the child anyway from what you've said.

I'd rather tell him now than watch him struggle to change things after the fact, knowing I knew and didn't say anything.

I wonder if the "none of your business" people value friendship at all. It's being a shit friend to always stay out of their business.

If he has a court order to prevent the child being moved schools and the mum breaches that then surely she's risking losing custody herself?

do daft wee lassie-if both boys upset...msg say is ds ok,wouldnt think new school is only 20mins away. am try convnce ds-they can stay friends
call school-and say-i think i fkt up...have mentioned to dad and his response was......whatev is
DEMANDING kids keep secterts is shit.even if not your business

DS was a bit upset tonight because of the school move, hope he settles alright tonight…

I wonder if the answers would be the same if it was the Dad who decided to change schools and that the child must keep it secret from Mum.

You absolutely must tell him. He has every right to know. However, how you do it is key.

Personally I would be upfront and tell him what DS has said, and that while you feel he should know, for the sake of the kids friendship you need him to keep your name out of it. Obviously you cannot be sure that he will do this but at least you should try.

Morally what she is doing is utterly shite and he needs to know to head it off at the pass. In theory he could go to court to get him back at the old school but it may be that it the court wont agree given that the move had already taken place and even if they did agree, the upheaval for the child is far far worse. Better to have an explosion now than WW3 in a couple of weeks.

Do it for the child as much as the father.

I too would contact the dad to say how sorry you are to hear it and hope the DC can still meet up.

Sister had a "friend" who did this.

Took her three kids hundreds of miles away to be with the bloke she had been having an affair with and the first her by then ex partner knew was when he went to pick the kids up and new people were living in the house. He spent every penny he had on court, but she broke every single order and there was no come back.

She didnt even tell him when his son died of the life limiting condition he had, he found out 2 years later. It broke him and he is now dead at his own hand.

I am going to adopt the term "daft lassie" anytime I screw up! Thank you!

@PyongyangKipperbang

Morally what she is doing is utterly shite and he needs to know to head it off at the pass. In theory he could go to court to get him back at the old school but it may be that it the court wont agree given that the move had already taken place and even if they did agree, the upheaval for the child is far far worse. Better to have an explosion now than WW3 in a couple of weeks.

The OP said he got solicitors involved last year to prevent this so sounds like there is already a court order in place. In that case I would imagine that the court definitely would move the child back.
If this were a friend of mine I'd be inclined to tell them to let the other parent break the court order, and then let the court deal with it, presumably there would be some consequences then for the other parent.

It’s nothing to do with you where you sons friends mum moves to.

But who suffers? The child.

Gets the upset of leaving his old school, having to settle in at the new school and potentially having to move back to the old school (assuming they would even have a place for him). The the fact that because his father doesnt drive he will see less of his dad.

The one person who would suffer most in all of this is the boy and for that reason alone it is better that the father finds out before it happens rather than afterwards.

ETA: Ime there are rarely consequences for the parent who breaks court orders. You just have to read MN for any length of time to see that. The simple fact is that if she refuses to move back, is always out when he arrives to pick up the boy for access etc nothing will happen. He will go to court, court will agree with him and she will ignore. Chances of him getting full residency are very very slim, so he could lose his son. As I posted above, I have seen this happen.

I'm assuming that it's a prohibited steps order though and that breaches of that are dealt with urgently so the child wouldn't be settling into a new school.

I agree that the child is who suffers most but I don't agree that it necessarily needs to be handled by the dad finding out before it happens.

As someone who always tried my best to deal with things as best I could with my ex for my kids sake, shield them from things etc, after the hell of dealing with him, I wish it had all been done through court with someone else policing it! I wish it had been court orders he had been breaking and not just agreements with me. That way there might have been some consequences for him.

I get that, as a woman with an abusive ex, I really do. But the fact is that there are rarely consequences, especially if it is the mother breaking the order and the kids are still in a reasonable distance of the father

He's moving school in 2 days @Awaanbileyirheid, his dad will find out then.

Who benefits if you tell the dad now? What do you hope to achieve by telling him?

But if that's the case then how will the dad finding out before Monday change anything anyway?
Sounds like the mother is determined to go ahead with it.

I’m so confused ? So he lives with his dad 50% of the time.. how will dad get this kid to school? (You said he doesn’t drive)
it’s so wrong that mum is making son lie to his dad… I can see Dad getting full custody here because mum is breaking the court order!
Goes against the grain but I’d 100% text dad and say your son is gutted that little BF is moving schools and hope you can keep the boys in touch!

Also you say both parents are nice… I think mum is a bitch! Asking a kid to lie to the other parent who has joint custody and parental rights is horrendous and actually abusive! The pressure that poor kid is under keeping such a huge secret from his dad!!! Dreadful! I’m shocked School hasn’t informed dad to be honest! Think legally they have a responsibility to!

This.

Tell the dad whatever way you can.

This is a no brainer.

If it was your son and your ex did this, would you really say "Oh @Beepboopbeepboopbeep knew but didnt tell me as a couple of days wouldnt make any difference!" Or "FFS!!!!!! My sons best friends mum knew and didnt tell me, I could have stopped this happening!"

Have a think about that.

I rarely get involved in the "oh if this was a man/woman asking, the answers would be different" spats on here. But in this case, I really do think that it would be different.

If a mum was about to have her childs schooling changed against her will by the father which meant that she could not see her child so much, do school runs etc and that the child had been told to lie, this place would be up in arms!!

The dad will find out soon enough by himself. By telling him all you'll achieve is getting the little lad in trouble with his mum and maybe ruin his friendship with your son because he won't be able to trust him anymore.

I am genuinely horrified by most of the comments on here!

"Well he will find out on Monday and he can deal with it then"

Lets put it in a different context.

I went to pick up DS from school and he wasnt there, eventually found out that his dad has moved him, without my consent, to a school near where him and his new partner live. We have a court order to prevent this but until I go back to court, as I dont drive and ex wont bring him to me, I can't see him during the week. This means that my ex has now got virtual full custody of our child! What the hell do I do?!

Its not just mothers who love children.

Well as per many Mumsnet threads. He should learn to drive

What if he has a health condition that means he can't drive.