Do I tell DS's sons dad that his mum is moving schools in 2 days?

[Awaanbileyirheid]

Ds came home from school today crying as his best friend is moving schools on Monday. (They're 11).
Thing is, his dad has not consented to move and has joint custody.
BF lives 50/50 with mum in one town and dad in our town. They're from here, been at school here from nursery.
BF mum moved 20 mins away last year with new boyfriend. Just after his dad was awarded joint custody. Dad hasnt got a car so they've shared kid since but remained at school.
I get on with both parents but his dad makes more effort with kid as he sees at that age, kids want to do stuff with friends.
Mum thinks he's autistic (he's not diagnosed) and rarely allows play dates.
Today DS and BF crying as mum moving schools to her new town. All secret tho, he mustnt tell his dad.
Do I tell the dad? The poor kid is in pieces as is my DS.
Or is it none of my business? Keep gob shut and comfort kids?

It comes across from your posts that only the mother believes the boy is autistic? Is she perhaps moving schools to one with better SEN provision? It must be very hard to access support when the other parent doesn't believe there is anything amiss.

Would you want to do playdates as often if you only had your child 50% of the time?

I know too many women who have been shafted by the courts even though thier partner is an abusive arsehole. I would be wary about telling a man about plans a woman may have made in secret. You don't have the full picture.

Certainly talk to the school about it. If they have shared parental responsibility then the new school can't legally register the child without both parents' permission (or a court order) and they need to know that. It sound as if there may be a court order in place anyway given the mother's resort to secrecy. It would be really disruptive to this boy to have to move schools only to move back again.

If they have joint custody he has a right to know, and he’ll find out at some point anyway. It’s not good to force a child to lie to a parent.

He's going to find out anyway, isn't he?

The mother can't be keeping it a secret out of concerns like this, otherwise she would have moved much further away. It sounds like she's basically just hoping that if she presents him with a fait accompli he'll go along with it.

That was my thinking too.

And given that the dad hasn’t got a car it’s going to be awkward for him to get him to the new school - who knows, that may be the mums’ true motive for moving him. Custody is 50/50 so dad’s going to find out any way - maybe mum wants it to be a done deal by the time he finds out, hence the secrecy.

Yes if his mum is telling him to lie to his dad that could be abuse!
She legally can't move his school without his dad's consent.

Yes tell him

You would do it without thinking twice if the Dad was moving away with children from the mother!

I'd just message dad to say, I'm so sorry to hear x is moving schools. My child will miss him alot." It would be daft not to say anything.

So would I!

I can't help but think if this were reversed and it was Dad moving child without consent or even mentioning to the other parent people's opinions would differ greatly.
I would definitely drop it into conversation with Dad, playing 'dumb' he has a right to know. Having been through the courts, they will be completely unimpressed that this move is taking place, especially where there's a 50/50 custody agreement in place.

From a safeguarding viewpoint tell school. The keeping secrets thing is abuse. If he has RP he has to give consent. The new school can't take the child until the current school agree to off roll.
Tell the dad too.

If the friend has been told to keep it secret, and he’s told you and your son, I’d be very wary about the consequences if mum finds out he’s telling people

I would tell school and say you think there is a court order in place

I'd tell the dad, maybe not bluntly but in a 'I heard that...' way.

Keep our of this. It is between the parents and the court.

See, this is what makes me wonder if the mum is actually planning a much bigger, and more distant move than OP is assuming - and if so, why.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if the dad is going to find his kid isn't at school at pick up time, and then find he isn't at his other home any more either.

Maybe the mum told her son he was moving school so he had a chance to say goodbye to OP's DS before they move to the other side of the world.

Very hard to know what to do, but if I were to talk to anyone it would definitely be the mum first.

Would you say the same if you found out your friends ex husband was doing the same with their joint dc? Would you stay out of it? Comply in the lies?

This happened last year when BF was told by mum again to keep it secret, that he was going to a different high school from all his friends. Dad's solicitor got involved and as far as I'm aware they're supposed to stay in both primary and secondary school in our town.

So it's not really adding up then, he must have a court order. I'm not sure how that works and if the current school would be aware of that, but surely the dad can have the child returned to the old school? Presumably he might also get majority custody if the mother breaks that court order.

Just a thought.
Is the Mum actually moving him to a school near her house?
I wonder if your school knows that he is moving?
Or is she taking him further away?

All seems rather odd. Especially 'the don't tell dad"

I'm ex school admin. Phone the school. It's possible they don't know about this. It no longer always required to get the previous head to sign the transfer form. They won't comment to you but can do any necessary checks behind the scenes. They will also keep you and your son's names out of it. Although if mum has mentioned ASD, the new school may well have already been in touch with the current one.

I'm amazed the ds hasn't told sad?

Dad*

Definitely. Dad's can't win.

The Mum is unreasonable to ask her DC to keep something so momentous a secret - hiding that from his friends is too big an ask, but asking him not to tell his dad is utterly unacceptable. He should not be having to keep secrets of that nature from his dad (unless they were feeling dom violence or something), and the fact that he has been crying about, yet can't tell his dad what is upsetting is deeply unsettling to me.

I would normally default to 'stay out of it', but on this occasion, and under these circumstances (your DC is also upset) I would definitely innocently mention it to the Dad.