To ask a parent to drop out of a trip?

[RadicalRadishes]

My DD’s class goes on school trips quite frequently and it’s pretty much the same ~4 parents every time. I’m usually not available, but the one time I was it was full by the time I messaged the office to volunteer.

I just found out there is a school trip on DD’s birthday. DH checked he could rearrange his schedule to attend but now is being told all the parent slots are full.

Would it be reasonable in the class WhatsApp group to ask if one of the regular attendees would be willing to give up their spot for him?

The school says that DH is on the waiting list. He is not DBS checked but they’ve never said that’s required? The school have said it’s a first come, first serve, but based on these responses I guess it’s completely possible they’re lying to our faces!

We are new to the school and have not volunteered for anything before so I don’t know how they would have written us off already, but who knows. DH has a very demanding job and I’m at home but chronically ill, so we’re not really regularly available. I volunteered for the one low-energy half day trip they did, but didn’t get it.

This isn’t a particularly interesting trip. It’s a half day and walkable. No coaches and nothing terribly exciting or terrible.

I legitimately thought we could ask to switch and that would be that, but according to this thread that certainly does not seem to be the case.

As far as I know from my DC, children are placed in groups with their parents.

Based on these responses, I will certainly not have my DH ask, nor will I be inclined to volunteer myself in the future. This seems to be way more political than I realised and it seems like no matter what — unless I’m regularly volunteering for everything at the school, which I physically cannot do — other parents and the school won’t be pleased with me showing up just occasionally. Too bad!

Technically dbs are not portable so legally even the dbs in their own jobs parents can't take the kids to the toilet etc on any trip.
And yes it is poor practice to have parents with their own children, but also the only way some schools can get volunteers. Parents are either too harsh or too lenient on their own kids, and will either ignore their child or focus too much on their child, or even use them as a second.

you didn’t get on to two trips due to others getting their first. It’s not personal or the school writing you off it’s that others got their first. Your husband had to spend some time checking with work that he could make it whereas someone else will have responded straight away. Yes it’s annoying but don’t let it put you off.

I think it’s fine to volunteer only now and again and sometimes not enough parents volunteer.

My school.all adult volunteered have to be Garda vetted

The teachers choose the volunteers not the volunteers decide who goes! Not a good idea unless you want to fall out with the teacher. Ask the teacher if it might be possible for him to go. But remember school trips are about educating the kids - not your dad can spend the day with you because it’s your birthday. Nice idea but remember the reason for the trip - it’s just a coincidence it’s your child’s birthday.

Definitely ask. Do it now. There are a gazillion reasons why someone might have volunteered but then be happy to relinquish their spot. I helped on a fair few trips when my DC were in infant school. I loved doing it. It is a little nerve wracking having responsibility for other people's children but I found it hugely enjoyable. I missed out on most trips for DS because they wanted parent drivers and I didn't drive at the time. With DD I did as many as I could before I went fulltime at work. I hope you or DH get to help out at some point if not on this trip. It is worth pushing for.

I wouldn't call it political, it's just not something parents divvy up amongst themselves.

I suffer from fatigue too but they were always welcoming when I went in to help with reading a bit. Much less energetic and I think they appreciate people taking on the less glamorous stuff.

We said ours was first come first served but the truth was we picked the nice ones.

In all the years of volunteering, I have never been put in the same group as my child. School policy was to “avoid favouritism.”

Then it would be good for you to know that it created an awful lot of bitterness and resentment amongst parents when the same 4 or 5 parents are 'selected' as
A) how does anyone else get the experience you so value if you keep using the same few who volunteered at the very beginning of their time at the school?
B) the volunteers dc get to see their parents again and again but others never get that experience
C) it creates a sense of favouritism (which you've confirmed you do have)
D) it creates a sense that there are parents who are in the inner circle. This is a TERRIBLE dynamic to create. The complete opposite of what a school should be aiming to create. 👏🏼......👏🏼.......👏🏼

I think a school and teachers have to make a decision based on parents who are reliable and follow instructions well. Having helped with a few in my son's school , I am placed with different year groups to my son and I think that's probably for the best as it might be embarrassing for him to have his dad walking round with him. It's probably different at other schools but I don't think there is massive competition for helpers at ours. Ultimately, it's what works best for the children and staff and not always what the parent would like.

I would guess your dh will be given a small group of boys, and your dc will be placed in a different group.

Is dh happy to volunteer in that situation, or is he only wanting to go because it is your child's birthday.

I have been on many school trips in the last few years, I do not have a child at the school. As a result I know all of the children, and their names. I don't get given loud ones or ones that may play up / get over excited or the shy / quiet ones.
I do not lead the walking crocodile nor am I at the end.

I also do not take any child to the toilet - that is only done by the staff. ( and quite rightly too )

@RadicalRadishes

A father has to go on a school trip ”to show his face and show he cares” !!!!

Show who?

your child - does a father really have to go on a school trip to see his child and let them know he cares.

the school - I don’t think they need attendance on a school trip to assess this.

As I said before, sounds like he wants a performance parenting opportunity and the trip fits the bill.

When my Ds was in primary school . I was never with my Ds . He was always in his teachers group.🫣.

I had a child in my group once birthday . I made sure she was picked when they asked for volunteers . I wouldn’t do that for my own Ds because of favouritism

So glad to hear DBS checks are done these days!

Schools should be aiming to educate children and keep them safe…whether the parents think I have favourites or not makes no difference whatsoever to either of those things.

@Tiredforfive45 schools and teachers should be creating community and a safe and harmonious environment not creating division and a sense of favouritism. If you don't think that's important I'm not sure teaching is the right job for you.

For what its worth my sons primary isn't like this at all- they ask for volunteer parents, take first come first served, never ask about DBS checks and put children with their parents group. My husband had our son and two others on their recent museum trip.

I hope I’m reading that wrong and your husband wasn’t left solo with 3 children on a trip.

I used to help with the trips at my children’s school but I also used to go in and hear all the class read at least one morning a week for four plus years. The teachers knew that I knew all the children in the class. I also had a dbs check and worked with children and families in a professional capacity previously. They always asked me rather than me asking them.

Hmmm…how useful is your DH realistically going to be with the other kids? The regular helpers will be used to school trip routines etc and have got to know the children.

Yes it would be lovely for your DD but what about the rest of the class? He’d be there to support the whole class, not just your DD.

It isn't a school's job to care for parents at all I'm afraid. I think you've got the wrong end of the stick about what schools actually do. The children's safety comes first at all times. It's the first thing you learn when you work in a school tbh. Creating harmony among parents by making sure they all get a turn at school trips? No, not the school's job at all. I'm sure you know all this since you were ready to tell someone "teaching isn't for them" . Christ.

Over thirty years, I’ve had some amazing parent helpers. And some incompetent ones. And some nightmares. Most are…fine.
The children are the priority, so if I’ve had to deal with careless, inappropriate or otherwise useless adults on a trip, I never invited them again. My reasons and concerns were shared with other teachers who may have to deal with them in the future.

@UnderTheMidnightMoon who said anything about caring for parents? I said building community and a harmonious environment. Not create one of division and disappointment. You can't do that whilst pissing off parents.