To ask a parent to drop out of a trip?

[RadicalRadishes]

My DD’s class goes on school trips quite frequently and it’s pretty much the same ~4 parents every time. I’m usually not available, but the one time I was it was full by the time I messaged the office to volunteer.

I just found out there is a school trip on DD’s birthday. DH checked he could rearrange his schedule to attend but now is being told all the parent slots are full.

Would it be reasonable in the class WhatsApp group to ask if one of the regular attendees would be willing to give up their spot for him?

No one off parent helper should be left alone with a child, and issuing DBS checks excessively just leads to complacency because people assume that clear DBS = safe and the two are not the same.

Schools (amongst other places) have had to massively cut down on the number of dbs checks they were getting both for costs and because there is a better understanding of when they’re actually entitled to use them

I went on a lot of school trips and would’ve bitten someone’s arm off to get an excuse to stand down!

I agree, especially people who apparently fancy volunteering because it will be their child’s birthday. Is he planning on pulling a birthday cake and candles out of a bag on the coach home? The whole thing sounds more about him playing superdad than understanding that school trips take a lot of organisation and planning, are bloody hard work , very stressful ,and are there to enhance classroom learning not provide an opportunity for performance parenting.

The trip is on her birthday, that I get, but what have the two got to do with each other other than they clash? why is OP's DH trying to go on the 'school' trip?

Surely what parents do for b'days is they organise some kind of celebration and invite school friends to the event or they take they b'day dc on a nice day out with friends. I've NEVER heard of parents trying to piggyback on a school trip and pretend it's some kind of pseudo birthday celebration which is why i asked if there is some other link between the two events that I've missed?

In the school my daughters attend it's the parents that regularly help out with other events get first choice to go on the trips, rightly so. I wouldn't want to give up my place tbh

I used to go with DS's class on trips to supervise him, as it meant his 1:1 could look after four other kids. If I didn't go, the TA would have to just watch him so they would need more helpers.

As he got older I had a few to look after as well as him, it did get more interesting then. But even when I was responsible for just DS I did keep an eye on other kids and pick up forgotten jumpers etc. It's not a jolly at all, the responsibility and having to have eyes on the back of your head is exhausting!

If one of the parents did drop out as requested, there is no guarantee that the DH would be picked to be the replacement. It would be the school's decision -not something for the parents to decide on between themselves.

I've been on a lot of school trips over the years. For some it was as part of my job, and others as a volunteer. There were definitely a few parents who seemed to think it was just a day out with their own child.

I remember coming across one group of Yr1 children who were standing around by themselves. The parent in charge had gone off to take photos of her child next to the exhibits and had left the remainder of the group behind. On another trip, someone decided to be 'fun parent' and had led their group off to the play area rather than the actual place where they were meant to be.

Schools don't know which type of volunteer a parent will turn out to be, so they tend to pick the ones that have a proven track record.

I agree you need to talk to the school.
Its not a case of the parents deciding who volunteers. The school may choose regular parent volunteers for their own reasons.
And as a parent I would be concerned that his reason for volunteering means the other children in his group will be neglected as he focuses only on his daughter.

If you don’t ask you don’t get.

Don’t explain about the birthday, it is irrelevant. Just say you can’t normally make it but am able to this time is there anyone signed up who would like to change.

So much angst! Ask the teacher, ours has taken one or two extra parents on each trip as the kids are little so extras on the road crossings help. I doubt teachers are picking useful parents at our school, they just ask who wants to go and we always got a spot so far. How would they know who isn't useful if they haven't been before with that teacher? I can't think of any parents in our year group who would be so useless they would ignore kids in their group, nor run about getting ice cream, nor knowingly leave coats etc.

Do most children above a certain age (maybe year 4-6) even want their parents with them on the school trip? At that age it’s nice to have some independence even if they are with a different adult. I wouldn’t have wanted my parents there at that age.

YANBU though, no harm in asking.

Had no idea this was a thing. Never had parent helpers on any trip ever. DS is now 15. Seems really odd to me!

I used to help out on school trips quite a lot when mine were in primary. I always got the boys for swimming (supervising changing etc...) which would include either of my DSs but on other trips I wasn't always in the same group with them, depending on friendship groups and whoever happened to also be volunteering. I therefore wouldn't count on your DH necessarily seeing much of your DD if he does get to go. I remember spending one particularly wet and muddy day orienteering in the Peak District with 4 kids I barely knew...

Would it be reasonable in the class WhatsApp group to ask if one of the regular attendees would be willing to give up their spot for him?

I think it reasonable for your DH to put a message on the group to say he is available and would like to attend.

It is unreasonable to ask someone to give their spot up for him. I can understand it might be nice for your DH and DC to spend time together on their birthday. A school trip is a bit strange. Maybe your DP could meet the coach go for dinner afterwards or do something at the weekend.

I think this is ridiculous. Sure, ask about going. But what does it matter if he spends the day with DD because it's her birthday? It'll still be her birthday that morning & that evening.

I'm not sure as the policy would possibly be different with different schools, teachers etc. It might be worth speaking with school about this, saying something like: you and/or DH have been keen to get more involved with school trips but you've noticed it tends to be the same parent volunteers that go each time, and that this seems unfair to all other parents/guardians who also want to help out. They may feel it would be unfair to make changes for this specific trip, but they might bear it in mind for future trips.

I volunteer weekly in my child's class (only parent who does) and I've been on some trips, recently there was an amazing trip I was desperate to go on and they said they would do a name out of a hat situation to choose who could go as so many people had offered.

I was silently seething and although I volunteer out of kindness I did think it would be a liberty if I couldn't go when I give a lot of time to the school, thankfully I got chosen 😅.

Also a volunteer DBS check is free and costs the schools nothing, obviously there's some admin involved so our school only want classroom volunteers who can commit regularly.

As for asking to go, that would get my back up that your husbands come out the woodwork as it's a birthday and wanted me to give up my place and Id tell him that too.

It depends what kind of trip this is.

If it's a fun one, then no I don't think it's fair to ask. It's not fair because the type of people kind enough to volunteer, are the type of people who put others before themselves. So, they'd say yes because they feel bad not to.

And if they've been on umpteen shit trips and this was their perk, then it wouldn't be fair.

The only way I'd ask, is if I managed to word it so that no one felt obliged to.

Some police forces limit the number of DBS checks to only those required by legislation. If a parent is not going to be alone with a child on a one off trip, it is not legally essential. So it is not necessarily the schools decision.

I don't think there's any harm in asking, and if someone says yes, asking the school, and being prepared for the answer to be no. I've been on one big trip which coincided with me not working and was happy to help but it was also nice to go to a safari park with my DD. She was in my group but I was perfectly capable of looking after the others in my group too. It was hard work but also a nice trip. There seems to be a narrative on this thread that trip volunteers should be martyrs and not get anything out of it for themselves. I've volunteered for various things and it's partly because I want to help and partly because I anticipate some benefits eg social relationships, etc. Ultimately it's a dad who wants to spend more time with his daughter on her birthday, there might be a volunteer who is perfectly happy not to go but volunteered as they were also happy to help if the school needed volunteers. As this thread has pointed out going on these trips is not a holiday so some people might be perfectly happy not to go and get a free day back.

Basically my DC ask us all the time to go on trips and it’s only once been feasible and I was told slots are full. DH isn’t trying to have a jolly, he just thought of the dozen times they’ve asked he would make a special effort to see if he could make it work this time. There would be no birthday stuff, just literally on the trip to show his face and show he cares.

OP you need to talk the school not the other parents.

i Would ask the school to swap your place for their place. Explain that you don’t normally get to go on trips etc. if they won’t only then ask the other parent to drop out.

Ex teacher.
Class trip is not your child's birthday trip.