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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a parent to drop out of a trip?

236 replies

RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 13:52

My DD’s class goes on school trips quite frequently and it’s pretty much the same ~4 parents every time. I’m usually not available, but the one time I was it was full by the time I messaged the office to volunteer.

I just found out there is a school trip on DD’s birthday. DH checked he could rearrange his schedule to attend but now is being told all the parent slots are full.

Would it be reasonable in the class WhatsApp group to ask if one of the regular attendees would be willing to give up their spot for him?

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 21/02/2024 15:39

RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 13:52

My DD’s class goes on school trips quite frequently and it’s pretty much the same ~4 parents every time. I’m usually not available, but the one time I was it was full by the time I messaged the office to volunteer.

I just found out there is a school trip on DD’s birthday. DH checked he could rearrange his schedule to attend but now is being told all the parent slots are full.

Would it be reasonable in the class WhatsApp group to ask if one of the regular attendees would be willing to give up their spot for him?

why did you JUST find out? YABU. Pay better attention to stuff like this if you think it’s important.

Floralnomad · 21/02/2024 15:40

Thelightis · 21/02/2024 15:27

Talk to the teacher and get them to pull parents names out of a hat next time who put their names forward as wanting to go and stress how ridiculous it is to always have the same people going to the exclusion of everyone else

First come first serve just doesn't cut it as an excuse

And they should bloody well know that

Regular helpers are worth their weight in gold . I used to run beavers and cubs and on canoeing night I used to see parents that I’d never seen before ( mainly dads) on hike night it would be me and the usual few hardy volunteers .

glusky · 21/02/2024 15:46

I don't think he (you) should ask. He's been told the spaces are taken. Leave it at that. The volunteers will have already told their children that they're coming. It's very unlikely they will be prepared to renege on that to their kids as a favour to your husband.

I'd suggest your husband pick her up from school and take her out for ice cream or something instead.

Original poster
RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 15:46

firstpregnancy1 · 21/02/2024 14:05

Not unreasonable at all to ask if a regular volunteer minds. It's not a case of the posters husband picking and choosing and most likely the usual volunteers are stay at home parents or have more flexibility with schedule to allow for trips. As someone who has very little to no flexibility to change my schedule to attend school trips when my children are school age, I hope that there are kind and considerate people who understand that not everyone can do that, and it's not a case of regular volunteers getting priority just because they can regularly volunteer. I would love to be able to volunteer regularly but I know I won't be able to, so to be able to make one, on my child's birthday, would be a big deal. So definitely ask and ignore the previous poster

Yes, exactly. He has a very demanding job that is not very flexible. It seemed a bit more doable this time so he switched a few things around to make it happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 15:46

TeenDivided · 21/02/2024 14:46

I never had my DD in my group. I might see her for a short time at lunch and that was about it.
I did numerous school trips both with her class and with other random ones (a couple with about 30mins notice). They are enjoyable, but also stressful and exhausting. They are not a jolly for parent and child with a few extras tagged on.

The most memorable in some ways was Stonehenge in the rain with a bunch of y4s I didn't know. Herding cats was an apt description.

Show quote history

I think you’ve convinced me to never volunteer for a trip!

OP posts:
Original poster
RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 15:47

LadyBird1973 · 21/02/2024 15:19

I can see both sides of this but if it's a school where you would be either your own child, then I think that's a nice thing for your child to have on her birthday. There's no harm in asking.

I used to regularly help out on school trips with my dd - she was always in my group. Theres no way I would have regularly gone out in the freezing cold and been up to my arse in mud, to mind other people's kids rather than my own. But I did take extremely good care of all the children in my group, what with being a responsible adult! It's not right to say that parent volunteers are only going to bother with their own children.

Agreed!

OP posts:
Original poster
RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 15:48

Thelightis · 21/02/2024 15:27

Talk to the teacher and get them to pull parents names out of a hat next time who put their names forward as wanting to go and stress how ridiculous it is to always have the same people going to the exclusion of everyone else

First come first serve just doesn't cut it as an excuse

And they should bloody well know that

I wish it was not first come, first served because if you take any time to think about it or make arrangements you’re too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
RadicalRadishes · 21/02/2024 15:49

thebestinterest · 21/02/2024 15:39

why did you JUST find out? YABU. Pay better attention to stuff like this if you think it’s important.

Edited
Show quote history

I just found out because they sent a message out at lunchtime today??

OP posts:
Tiredforfive45 · 21/02/2024 15:52

Reasons I select parent helpers for
trips:

  1. they have attended previous trips and were helpful, followed my instructions well, were good with the children (not just their own).
  2. their child has additional needs and they are the best person to support them.
  3. they are not a PITA/ looking for things to criticise/ thinking it will be a nice little jolly.

Reasons I do not select parent helpers for trips:

  1. it is their child’s birthday and they want a nice day out with them.
  2. they have organised it themselves with the other pre-selected parents.

FYI when it comes to parents, there will be some that I tell ‘the slots are filled’ even if not one other person has volunteered.

LadeOde · 21/02/2024 15:53

Am I the only one not understanding the connection between the school trip and OP's DD's birthday? is the trip planned for her birthday?

Maray1967 · 21/02/2024 15:54

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 21/02/2024 14:40

I always had my girls in my group when doing school trips, all the parents did. The teaches would put parents and children together. I don't think as many parents would want to go if they couldn't actually be with their child

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Yes, same here. Your child plus their mates - much easier as you know the names at our school. Regular helpers were asked to make way for parents who could only occasionally do it - the school made sure it wasn’t the same parents doing it all the time.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/02/2024 15:54

FYI when it comes to parents, there will be some that I tell ‘the slots are filled’ even if not one other person has volunteered.

I used to dread some parents asking. Thankfully we’d usually have enough before they did so could genuinely say we had enough.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/02/2024 15:55

LadeOde · 21/02/2024 15:53

Am I the only one not understanding the connection between the school trip and OP's DD's birthday? is the trip planned for her birthday?

It literally says in the OP the trip is on her birthday

Barrenfieldoffucks · 21/02/2024 15:56

Thelightis · 21/02/2024 15:27

Talk to the teacher and get them to pull parents names out of a hat next time who put their names forward as wanting to go and stress how ridiculous it is to always have the same people going to the exclusion of everyone else

First come first serve just doesn't cut it as an excuse

And they should bloody well know that

It's not a jolly for parents that the school have to facilitate. It's a logistical exercise to make sure the trip can run.

If you know it is normally busy, volunteer first and check schedule later. You can always regretfully say no and a regular will step up.

Whenever I've been I haven't had my child in my group, and not would I want to.

Maray1967 · 21/02/2024 15:57

Yes, it was certainly not first come, first served at our school. I remember two of us being asked if we could go if they needed us, but not if other parents volunteered who hadn’t already been. No problem at all.

Createausername1970 · 21/02/2024 16:02

All the volunteers at my son's school were DBS checked prior to school outings. You could go on the list of parents who could go on trips once the DBS was obtained. So asking a parent to drop out for a random parent to take their place would not have been possible.

Please check with the school before you message the other parents.

glusky · 21/02/2024 16:05

There are other ways you can volunteer at school though. The trips are the most popular but he could offer to do a different one-off thing like giving a talk about his job or helping on a project day if he's keen.

There may be a DBS element too - it makes sense for school to use volunteers it's already DBS checked wherever possible. Every new DBS check costs them money. This is a question for school, not other parents, and school have already said no thanks.

MsCamilla · 21/02/2024 16:05

LadeOde · 21/02/2024 15:53

Am I the only one not understanding the connection between the school trip and OP's DD's birthday? is the trip planned for her birthday?

Yes , you are the only one. Never mind.

TinyYellow · 21/02/2024 16:09

In my experience, school staff ask the parents they think will be helpful instead of the parents that just want a free day out with their child and their class. It is not a free for all that parents can decide between themselves. We would never put parents in their own child’s group and we make up excuses as to why some parents can’t come when we know they will be more hindrance than help. We would be extremely pissed off at parents swopping places amongst themselves, it’s not up to them!

UnderTheMidnightMoon · 21/02/2024 16:11

I think that going for the very first time because it's your own child's birthday will likely not read well. If I was the teacher leading the trip, I'd not want him helping as it may be assumed that he thinks he'll be having fun with his child which isn't right.

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 21/02/2024 16:13

It’s too late to edit my post, but I am DBS checked. So that might play a part in why I’ve been chosen/ sometimes directly asked to help. In that case the teacher might not be ok with me swapping, even if I was.

budgiegirl · 21/02/2024 16:24

It's not right to say that parent volunteers are only going to bother with their own children

But it is more common that you might think. As a cub leader, we do sometimes ask for parent help when going on a trip, or on an outdoor activity. There are definitely some parents who do only bother with their child, even when they are supposed to be looking after a small group of children. It makes life very difficult and there are certainly parents whose offer of help I have turned down, as I know 'helpful' they will be.

I think that going for the very first time because it's your own child's birthday will likely not read well. If I was the teacher leading the trip, I'd not want him helping as it may be assumed that he thinks he'll be having fun with his child which isn't right

I agree that it doesn't look so good, if he's never managed to rearrange his work before, but suddenly can on this occasion. I would be a bit doubtful of his intentions, or how helpful he might be.

And it's funny how, at cubs, we get lots of volunteers for the trip to the airshow, but very few for the litter picking trip! I tend to give priority for the big trips to those who have helped with the more mundane stuff, and to those that I know will be helpful. The school might not be all that happy if your DH does decide to guilt trip someone into swapping.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/02/2024 16:24

He’d be far better letting the school know that he can be on standby as a last minute replacement as needed.

I’d see that more favourable than trying to rearrange volunteers off his own back when the school have already said they’re sorted.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 21/02/2024 16:27

TeenDivided · 21/02/2024 14:46

I never had my DD in my group. I might see her for a short time at lunch and that was about it.
I did numerous school trips both with her class and with other random ones (a couple with about 30mins notice). They are enjoyable, but also stressful and exhausting. They are not a jolly for parent and child with a few extras tagged on.

The most memorable in some ways was Stonehenge in the rain with a bunch of y4s I didn't know. Herding cats was an apt description.

Show quote history

It's obviously just the way it worked at our school.
I certainly understand the herding cats sentiment though 😂

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/02/2024 16:30

It's not right to say that parent volunteers are only going to bother with their own children

It does happen though. Which is why so many schools and children’s groups don’t put s child with their parent.
We had a parent on a school trip who bought their child an ice cream, but none of the others. Another also took their child to the gift shop and had the other kids hanging around while theirs got a treat.

It’s also taking the risk that the parent will stick to the school or club rules and discipline procedures rather than their own.
A cubs group locally had a nightmare about 15/16 years ago when a helper was witnessed smacking a child and it was (rightly) reported. Turned out it was their own child but the investigation and the comments locally were horrendous for the regular folks who ran the group.