To not "get" the requirement for alcohol to have a proper celebration

[MrsCulpepper]

I'm in the process of organising a meal for my birthday and considering a nice restaurant that's around 15 minutes drive away. I suggested it to others and was met without enthusiasm and "but some people won't be able to drink then".

I've never really felt that I "needed" a glass of wine or something else alcoholic after a tough day. I like it, and have a glass of wine or a beer or a gin and tonic when I'm out or visiting someone if they offer, but we don't generally have alcohol at home (perhaps in part because the expense).

When I was pregnant, I didn't miss drinking at all. It seemed to make people very uncomfortable though that I was "only" drinking water and they would fall over themselves to think of options they could offer. One friend of my husband's was really pushy about a small glass of wine, assuring me that it was absolutely fine to have while pregnant and his wife is a gynecologist so he knows what he's talking about. I had to say no 5 or 6 times!

I admire the PR that sparkling wine companies have done on their product so prosecco at the very least has to be budgeted for my party. And a taxi will be required too I suppose.

AIBU to consider a restaurant that would require a short drive? Is alcohol such a necessity for a party to be good?

Ok I've never lived in the sticks but I'd fork out for the transport or take one night off the booze for a friend's special occasion 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I worry (and get very angry) about drivers who think it's acceptable to get behind the wheel having had "just one" glass of wine. In another life, I dealt with "just the one, officer" people on a regular basis. It's madness.

There are definitely people who depend too much on alcohol to have a good time.

There are also people who just happen to enjoy having some drinks when they go out - nothing wrong with that.

There are non-drinkers who just don't happen to like alcohol - nothing wrong with that.

But there are also some non-drinkers who are utterly amazed and horrified that others might like a few drinks. They just can't understand it! It's awful! They would never be like that! And when I come across those people, then I understand why, to them, it must seem as though virtually everyone they meet is an alcohol fiend. Because if I had to spend an evening with them, then I would want a few drinks to get through it as well.

This. I just don't like having to drive somewhere. You sounds very smug. If people are coming to your party, make it as easy as possible.

I’d much rather a venue that was accessible to my friends and meant they weren’t forking out for taxis or having to drive at night. My friends would be thinking the same way.

@MrsCulpepper are these people close friends and do you not socialise much? It's just odd that you seem so surprised that they would like a glass or two with a meal on a night out.

I don’t think OP is being smug. I would think it very off if someone was pushing me to drink while pregnant. What decent person does that? I would also be a bit irritated having to find a new place because people don’t want to drive 15 minutes and share one meal with me to celebrate my birthday because they wouldn’t be able to drink this one time when they could likely grab a drink somewhere else after.

Also, how is OP meant to make it easier for them if it is down to distance? She moves to a different restaurant closer to those people and then others may be put off by it because it’s then too far from them if they’re the same as these friends. I guess OP could maybe hire a van for these friends depending how many are like this but that seems a bit much if it is a small restaurant gathering.

That only works if everyone lives in the same area already, though.

Regardless of drinking or not, if I arrange to go for dinner with friends at least three of us will have to drive or get a taxi. Because they live in different towns, there’s no viable public transport at night and I have no restaurants within walking distance after dark. Perhaps that’s what is colouring some of the different viewpoints.

"Pushing me to drink while pregnant"??? What now?

Absolutely NOBODY has said this.
This is about a plain old simple birthday party that basically, nobody wants to go to.

You make your party as easy and pleasing for everyone. If you want them there.

I admire the PR that sparkling wine companies have done on their product so prosecco at the very least has to be budgeted for my party.

You do realise it's not the recent PR companies that have introduced alcohol to celebrations. I do believe Henry VIII enjoyed a drink and there is mention of it in the bible.

Thanks for all the responses so far!

I don't think I'm smug, or holier than thou, or feel like I'm better than anyone else. I recognise that it's normal to have a drink. I like a drink too! I just don't really like that it's seen as a necessary part of a celebration. That you (apparently) CAN'T have a good time if you're not drinking and everyone feels sorry for you being the boring designated driver.

It would be a max of 3 people out of 12 who would drive, so I'm absolutely not organising a tee-total dinner (like the vegan restaurant analogy). Not everyone has to drive.

I contacted a taxi company and a return taxi would be £60, so not an insignificant sum.

No, I'm not in a town/city and there are no walkable options to eat out. The alternative where no one has to drive is that we stay in and do the celebration there, but I feel like going out might be a bit more of an "event"?

Bit of a drip feed here, OP. If there are no walkable options available, then you don't really have a dilemma. Just go ahead and book. I don't drink much these days, but I must say I really hate being the designated driver, which I often end up as. I still enjoy the food and the company, but a glass or two of wine would make it so much better!

That is exceptionally rude as I imagine they probably know you arent much of drinker? Its wild that for ONE occasion people cant sit through a dinner without an alcoholic drink.

Absolutely no chance of me paying 60 quid to go for your meal and pay for that too.

Unless you are paying for the meal?

I say that having been wealthy in London and poor elsewhere. Regardless it is a lot.

YANBU. It's honestly bonkers the idea that people would need alcohol with a celebratory meal to such an extent that they'd be unhappy with a restaurant a 15m drive away. If they're that desperate they can just get a taxi? Do people genuinely only book restaurants they can walk to or something?

Really glad my social circle aren't drinkers

Can you really not understand why people like different things? Do you lack empathy in other areas of life?

If you were to have your birthday meal at McDonalds I would probably not be that interested as I don’t enjoy the food. I would think of it as a treat.

Wine and food pairing is as old as time, a lot of people enjoy treating themselves to a steak and glass of wine. I think thy go hand in hand and if I was spending all that money of a good steak, I would be a bit put out if I had to have a water or coke instead.

There is absolutely no need to have cake at a birthday or wedding, but a lot of people get put out when there isn’t one. Doesn’t mean they’re all sugar addicts.

Also alcohol and celebrations have been around a lot longer than PR companies!!

I like a drink or several and 99% of the time I would prefer to have a drink with a meal in a restaurant, especially if celebrating. But if I was celebrating someone I loved I would certainly be able to get through the evening and have a good time without alcohol, if I had to. I think it's pretty rude of the OP's guests to complain to her. Have a moan to your partner, maybe, but if you really want to celebrate with someone, the point is them, not the alcohol. I'd go along with good grace, or at least sort myself out a taxi.

I'm really glad mine are. I love sharing a bottle of wine when we go out to eat.

I've got a group of friends that live in town so lots of nice restaurants. They pick us up and we get a taxi home. Same if they come our way. I wouldn't mind being the driver though if I needed to.

OP's friends didn't sound very enthusiastic about going so I wondered if they were good friends.

Where am I encouraging it? I've pointed out the difference between the law and the advice.

If it were a good friend who really wanted to go to mcd’s though, what would you do?

suck it up for the sake of seeing her on her birthday? Or tell her that no, you don’t like her enough to tolerate mcd’s on the one day a year that’s about her?

i can’t stand mcd’s. I’d go though, have a catch up and a coffee. I’d maybe find I’d eaten not so long ago so I wouldn’t need to eat, but I’d go,

same as when I went to a birthday at a vegan restaurant, or anything else that’s not my thing. I go because I like the person whose birthday it is, and it’s their day so they choose.

if my friend were pregnant or alcoholic, and wanted to do somewhere with no drinking, I’d go. I wouldn’t say oh but I need to drink and I’m more bothered about that than seeing you…

I'm on the fence with this.

I live in the middle of nowhere so going out usually means having to stay sober and drive. Although I like a drink (regularly used to get drunk in younger years), I just accept it. If it's a particularly special event where I'd like to drink I might arrange a taxi or sleep over somewhere.

I can't imagine not going to a friend's party because I couldn't drink.

Used to be a police officer BTW and was absolutely amazed at the amount some people can drink before they fail a breathalyser. I could drink 3.5 pints. In no universe was I fit to drive and I felt pissed, but breathalyser said I was under the limit. On the same amount of alcohol DH barely affected. Limits are stupid and best to avoid alcohol and driving completely IMO.

I like to drink. I like the taste. I like how I feel when I drink. It enhances celebrations and feels like such a treat along with good food. Can properly relax too as no cooking needed, no cleaning up or dishes to wash etc.
Do I need it to have fun? No. Do I have to have it? No.

We live in a small town so when we socialise with friends of family outside of our town, one of us drinks and one drives. We swap every other time (or depending on who we're seeing). It's absolutely not a big deal.

😄😄

To be honest, OP, I think YABU

I used to drink, too much when I look back in hindsight, but now I tend to drink at family meals or parties only. I do go to the pub a few times a month and will have a few vodka and lemonades, but I am happy enough with a pure orange juice or a Orange juice and bitter lemon after my alcoholic ones

I would want to have a drink at your Birthday Meal and don't see what is wrong with that.

I never drink at hime but definitely like a glass or two when going out.