Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Sorry for the slow reply. We have spoken to a solicitor and agreed the split of the equity. It will take a few months for me to get the equity from the house as a bit complicated with the mortgage but I'm not planning to move for a while anyway so not needing it immediately

and has it been agreed that you are getting a fair amount - considering all you have paid so far.

Soon you can totally start afresh, doing things that make you happy, rather than what placates him.

I'm so pleased you've got out. You deserved so much better.

Are you happy with the split of the equity OP, or did he still manage to screw you over?

Glad that you came to an agreement op, one more big hurdle done.

Make sure you are happy with the settlement and that it is fair. You only get one chance and you’ll live to regret it if you let him off. And they regret is not pleasant - I have been there sadly.

Sorry not updated for a while. I have been struggling mentally and a few things happened that have made the money side a bit more difficult (would be very outing if I go into detail). Missing the dog so much. But I have been enjoying my lovely home, been on a solo holiday I've wanted to do for years and been looking for dogs to re-home... Just doing anything to stop myself being talked into going back so taking that as a win that I haven't! I'm sure the mental relief will come soon but just trying to focus on myself. The house will be sorted out fairly over the next few months hopefully 🙏

my goodness, how long can he drag this out for ?!!!

this thread became one year old yesterday.

Oh amazing! Don't worry about it all not feeling magic right away. It's like when you've had to give in and replace the shoes you've had for years and that moulded to your feet but had holes in the soles.
The new shoes look better and sound like the sensible thing to do but actually they're a bit uncomfortable to start with.
You'll wear them in. Your new life will soon feel like the most natural thing in the world and you'll think why did it take so long.
I hope you find a new doggy pal soon

You have got to where you are for a reason, you’ve done great. As soon as finances are sorted you’ll be able to end that chapter and fully move on. Well done on the holiday, be proud x

Sorry to hear that you're struggling a bit OP, but as others have said, these things do take time to settle into, and at least now you're doing what YOU want to do, and not having your money spent by him on things that benefit him. Once the money and the house are finally sorted out, and you can finally cut ALL ties, things will start to improve.

I for one am really proud of you for coming this far, and above all, not allowing yourself to be talked into going back, simply because it might seem easier. Stay strong, and you WILL be happy again. I also think that once you get a new dog to welcome you home each day, that that will make a world of difference, obviously you'll miss the dog that you had, but a new furry friend will soon worm it's way into your heart, and will be the companion that you miss. Take care of yourself.

Hurray for you - carry on concentrating on yourself. Congratulations on going on holiday solo - I would try and fit a couple more in before a new dog, cos you won’t want to go after!

And you are right - getting out of that exploitative relationship is a win in itself. Just keeping away from damaging relationships is winning. You are doing everything right.

You've obviously never been through this otherwise you wouldn't make such an unhelpful comment.

So what?

Look how far the OP has come. She's done brilliantly.

He hasn't tho - has he !

What does that even mean?!

@runningaway90

Have you found a new doggie companion yet ?

and has the house situation been resolved.

A very belated updated here if anyone is still interested.

I have been quiet as I stupidly gave him another chance and I moved back for 6 months. Things, of course, got worse and I obviously regret having gone back. I have moved out again and managed to fully break free of him this time, we are no contact and I have a new puppy who is giving me a lot of happiness and helping through the difficult times. The finances still need sorted but it's now the least of my worries after everything.

Wish I could say I had been stronger but I have realised it takes a long time to get out of a toxic relationship like that and I don't think I'd ever be here had I not left the first time so it all helped me get here.

Hope you all have a lovely festive period and thanks so much for all the support you have shown me.

You are free now! Puppy tax required.

Haha you deserve it for the advice, let me find a way to send to you as it's probably too outing to post here with the endless other info I've spilled here

I can’t even post photos or links on the app 🤷🏽‍♀️

Wonderful to hear your update. And don't worry, we've all been there. I also took my ex back six months ago just for him to cheat on me within four weeks. But happily living alone with my new ginger cat and enjoying dating again.

Well I must confess to being shocked that you went back OP. I know this happens in a lot of cases, but I really had the impression that you wouldn't be one of them.

Can I ask what made you go back? Obviously you don't have to answer, but I would like to understand.

I'm glad to hear that you have learned from your mistake, and so I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas, and a much happier future without your ex trying to rinse you for every penny.

Good to hear your update and that you’ve left him for good.
Hope you have a lovely Xmas and enjoy your life with your lovely pup x

That's fair. There was a lot of intimidation with finances and guilt tripping with the dog but also equal measure of "love bombing" when not discussing that.
He convinced me everything would change and that the finances would be split more fairly and they were for a while but the controlling behaviour crept in again... I guess I was just weak but I know for sure that there is no going back this time.
Hope you have a great Christmas and appreciate the support x