Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

That would be amazing if you have moved by Christmas, what a wonderful new start for the forthcoming new year !

You have come so far, I am so in awe of you. This last part was always going to be the hardest, the what ifs, have I made a mistake etc. But you must know deep down that he has had so many opportunities to treat you as an equal, but has dragged his heels and always looked out for himself above you. You have given him months and months of chances, he knew he might lose you…. and he still hasn’t made big changes. He cannot change to be the man you deserve - someone who treats you as an equal, adores you.

Please tell us all when you are settled into the new place - we could all raise a glass of bubbly for you to celebrate! 🍾🥂

2025 is going to be a fresh new start for you x

And if you are in SE England I volunteer to help come kidnap the dog with you!

That’s brilliant that you can move before Christmas! 🎉🎄❤️

Thanks for coming back to me OP, that truly is WONDERFUL news! I am SO pleased for you, although don't be surprised if after the move, and when Christmas is out of the way, if you suddenly feel desperately unhappy, as even though recent times have clearly been difficult for you, you will still grieve for what you think might have been. It WILL take time to move passed all that has happened, but be kind to yourself, and try not to look back at what may have been the happy times, if you have to think of him at all, remember how he's always tried to screw you over financially, and good men simply don't do that. So, onwards and upwards.

If you're too busy over the next few weeks to report back, it would be lovely if you can find time in a few months, to give us an update on how you've moved forward. Take care my friend, and best of luck with the move. Above all, have a Merry Christmas in your new home.

Likewise if you are in scotland !

And planning to move before xmas is amazing news !🥳

Congratulations!

looking forward to hearing all about it.

Thanks all - he is still trying to manipulate me financially so he is making it really easy to know I'm doing the right thing. I am feeling so so supported by everyone in my life and although I currently feel I am going through the toughest period of my life, I know deep down it's setting me up for a better life. I will look back and be so glad I had the courage to do it when I feel so scared.

He's the freeloader!

His life and if he decides to call it a day is HIS responsibility .x

@runningaway90

Did you get the keys / have you moved in ?

Yes I've moved in 🥳

That is marvellous !

How did he take you actually moving out

That’s amazing op, fab news!

That amazing - have you got the dog with you and how was he when you left? You’ve done great, well done. It’s such a tough time of year too. So strong to hold it together and push through with it.

Please don't marry him or have children with him. He loves money more than you. He isnt your life partner hevis looking out for himself. Im really sorry

Best news ever

Congratulations 🎉

Well done @runningaway90 👏

What fab news to wake up to on Christmas Eve 🥰 I’m sat here grinning for you! I know this Christmas will probably be hard/confusing/weird/upsetting for you, so I don’t mean to downplay that. The end of any of any relationship is hard (even terrible ones)…..But I really hope that you also have a feeling of freedom and peace. And that you are hopeful for what 2025 holds for you.

That is absolutely the best start to my Christmas OP! Having been with you all the way from your first post, stayed with you through all the indecision, and hope of making him see what he was doing to you, and then out the other side when you eventually realised that things weren't going to get better unless you made it happen. Then today reading that you've actually done it, and in time for Christmas too! I hope that he has a miserable Christmas, full of regret, and that you on the other hand, have a fab time with the family and friends who have supported you through.

MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR to you OP!

That is fantastic!

im so happy for you.

it’s going to feel overwhelming and sad even sometimes. You might swivel and feel like you made a mistake but just take each day at a time and eventually you’ll hardly ever look back. Once you really get used to your new life you will wonder why you waited so long!

have a great Christmas @runningaway90

So proud of you OP, I hope you have a great Christmas in your new place ❤️

I hope you all have a great Christmas too and thank you so much for all the support! 🎄

I keep having almost pinch me moments where I realise I've actually done it! The house is going to take a while to sort and he's being an absolute idiot about all that (as expected) but it's just making me feel surer in my decision. I've had to leave the dog which is heartbreaking but biding my time for when he gets fed up. I need to go back to the house for some things so I'll get to see her again and he said I can take her a walk.

Anyway feeling lots of different emotions but been very busy and enjoying my new town. Got some lovely neighbours and been able to go back to some running/walking spots I used to love when I lived near here a while ago.

Congratulations. We've been on quite a journey in this thread and I am very happy to hear things are looking up for you. Merry Christmas.