Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Well done for telling your family - you need people around you. So glad they are helping. Chin up, you can smell freedom and so can he 😀

I've been coming to check on you throughout this thread and I am so happy to hear that you are breaking free!
I found myself in a similarly tricky situation which went on for far longer than necessary so I am also taking the next step alongside you and just wanted to drop in and say that I understand why the process takes so long and it is absolutely OK. Holding your hand all the way xx

Thanks all ☺️ he's tried every trick in the book to try and get me to stay this week (including saying he's suicidal).. he is even telling me we can split the mortgage 50/50 now!! Apparently he has finally realised what hes been treating me like and now really wants to change... thankfully I have everyone cheering me on here and IRL to keep going and it is just too bloody late. We'll be back here in a few months time when he thinks he's got me again. Almost there, hoping to get the keys to the rental next week and start the new year afresh 🙏

Well done OP, great update.

You have to laugh I knew he would suddenly agree to split it 50:50 so bloody fucking predictable.

Smell the freedom!

Oh my goodness!! You have done it!! That is amazing - new keys woop woop!
will he go 50/50 on the equity aswell then! If he values you so much. Doubt it.
just well done - enjoy Christmas! What a weight lifted. I hope you feel great and very proud! Any news on the doggy? Can it come with you?

Thanks! Still saying he wants to keep the dog so I don't know how I am going to cope with that but not sure what else can be done and I know he is using the dog to manipulate me into staying. Just trying to accept it but also might kidnap her..😥

Yep have the dog for "contact" and don't return them.

Try not to make a fuss over the dog. Keep your emotion held inside. Pray that he tires of looking after the dog and offers him/her to you. Who is the dog registered to?

So you liked the rental and went for it then OP? That is FANTASTIC news! I can't tell you how pleased and happy I am for you! Will you be in in time for Christmas? Sending massive congratulations!

You are amazing @runningaway90 ! We are all here with you!

Yes, all this time you have politely been showing him how unfair and exploitative he was being and he couldn’t agree, now he’s losing his golden goose and he’s suddenly sorry.
well done, I hope you get the keys as planned and that you also get the dog. If the chip is in your name it should be straightforward.

A friend of mine brought a dog with her ex and when they split they had shared custody but one day she just kept the dog and although he threatened to go to court etc he didn't bother and has had no contact with the dog for a few years now.
It was just a way of still having control over her.

So excited for you! Yes, lovely new house and fresh start for 2025!!! Hurray!

He's saying he wants the dog to keep a hold over you. Don't react to it and at some point he'll realise it's not a point of negotiation anymore and give up. But grey rock anything he says about him keeping the dog till you're in your new house and have a real and actual place to take the dog to.

Thanks for all the responses I really appreciate it. I did have a big wobble today but I've gotten my head together. I think it just feels very real with solicitors and valuations happening and I'm still dealing with that hope that things could be different and the doubt that I'm doing the wrong thing. But I know I'll be ok once I'm out of here, everyone's been checking in on me irl and I keep coming back on here for support when I need reassurance and a bit of a vent so thanks again

This is mad!

No that’s means he would have spent £10k on roof, you would have spent £5k on roof and and then another £10k on house.

so him spending £10k and you £15k - he’s mad and super exploitative.

You can't actually have any feelings for him by now - do you ?
after the way he treats you financially ?!!!

Selling a house is not a big deal, valuation/s then on the market then offers except in this house it is thought he will be making the offer after receiving money from his parents ?

it could / should all be wrapped up by Christmas.

it always was going to be ' his ' house, he just wanted you to pay a large part of the mortgage.

and as for the roof...

I think it’s natural to feel the what’s ifs etc. everyone has that feeling I think and also a panic that you’re doing the wrong or could you try harder etc etc. I think it’s normal. The reality is that you are where you for a reason - it just has t worked sadly. So, don’t get overwhelmed. You’re right, you’ll be fine once you’re out of there and have a new normal. You’re doing the right thing for yourself. Don’t worry. x

It is daunting leaving your “ normal” behind. It’s been your comfort zone even though it’s toxic.

You, yourself, realise there is no going back now but it’s natural to think of what could have been (if he had been a decent person). He is the cause of the breakdown of the relationship. He’s had plenty of opportunities to turn things around, pay you back and allow you both to move forward in a mutually respectful and loving relationship. But he hasn’t and won’t. It takes two to make things work.

You're doing great, you’ve come to the point where actions are the next step.
It’s got to the point where you think, “This is it !”Grab the bull by the horns and do it.

You will feel so much better once you’re away from him.
People like him are a drain on your energy. You are 100% doing the right thing !

You're on the home stretch now OP! Just a last final burst and you'll be there. Do you actually anticipate being in your new place before Christmas?

Yes I should be moving before Christmas! 🎉

A Christmas to celebrate!

Yay!! Get those bags packed woop woop!!