Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

You so made the right decision, onwards and upwards!!

So pleased for you.
Your bravery rewarded.

Thanks all, it has been quite the journey. Says it all when all I really am missing or caring about just now is the dog! So glad I finally got out of it and can start the new year afresh 🎉

oh...I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how your Christmas day was ?

It was good thanks, just different and I did get very upset about the dog later on but still better than being in the house with him biting my head off all day long! I hope you had a lovely Christmas

I think you will have to play a long waiting game re the dog.
I also think he will hold onto the dog for a long time but may give in / give up once the house finances have long been completed / resolved.

If the dog’s microchip is in OP’s name isn’t it legal for her to just take the dog, if she gets a chance?

Yes offer to take the dog for a walk or doggy daycare or similar and just not return.

Perhaps if you mention you are getting a puppy he may decide he wants to "burden" you with existing one.

Great suggestions.
I think the puppy one is genius.

Tell him you are getting one so will be busy with it.

But just taking the dog and not returning it is good too😁

I'm not sure how you would best get out of this situation but the man you are describing is too money focussed, you're meant to be a partnership, not a banker and a borrower. I would try to set some better boundaries and say it's wearing you down. If he can't accept that then it's time to leave.

@Balancedcitizen101 tell us you haven't read the thread without telling us you haven't read the thread 😂.

Op, well done, what a fantastic update. I hope you have a great solicitor and don't be prepared to compromise too much over the house.

Re the dog, I agree that the more he knows it's important to you the more he will use it as leverage. I like the idea of telling him puppy you are getting a puppy. I'll guarantee DDog will be handed over in next to no time.

I second the idea of telling him you are ‘getting a puppy’. It’s bound to happen one day anyway.

Congratulations on Independence Christmas Day🎄 Hope you are taking care of yourself.

Get this in writing properly noted andwith legal advice

This seems very unfair OP.
All very complicated and I understand why u feel as u do.
This doesn't fair well for a longterm relationship with kids etc.
I'm sorry that I am unable to give u any constructive advice but you shouldn't have to explain why you are enjoying meals out with friends etc.
This seems like a slippery slope

Just a quick message to say happy Christmas @runningaway90

i know you are worried about the dog but try to focus on yourself for now until you get settled

Thanks and you too. I am struggling today and every part of me just wants to go back to my old life and I don't know why but just trying to remind myself how terrible things were. I'm sure there will be lots of ups and downs over next few months

Why why on earth would you want to return to a life where you are financially abused ?

Go on Right Move etc. and start thinking about what and where you could buy when he repays you your money.
Make plans on how you see your new home being.

Plan another holiday or break away in the UK

Reread all your comments on this thread.

It's natural you're feeling a bit lost today OP, after all, the excitement of Christmas has now been and gone, Boxing Day too, so I think a lot of people are probably feeling a bit flat today, and that's without going through what you have this year. Why not start making some plans for 2025's holidays? Have you made any plans for New Year? If not, then maybe call round a few friends, perhaps invite them to 'warm' your new place, it doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg, just some good friends, and everyone can bring a dish and a bottle. Try and keep busy, and do some exercise to bring out those feel good endorphins. You've got this!!

This is what I posted on here just a few days ago and I’m going to repost it

it’s going to feel overwhelming and sad even sometimes. You might swivel and feel like you made a mistake but just take each day at a time and eventually you’ll hardly ever look back. Once you really get used to your new life you will wonder why you waited so long!

I posted it then because I knew you would feel like this once the adrenaline of actually moving out settled.

this is a completely normal part of the process. What you’re feeling is exactly what was going to happen but it will pass.
you are in the new and it is scary! You will be ok though just keep on forward for now

hang on to the thought you are where you are for a reason … it’s like a rollercoaster at first but it’s such a big change. You’ll be fine, have faith.

Did you say you are now in a new town ?

You could have a look at Meetup, as i believe it may have all sorts of social activities on it.

So not necessarily looking for new friends, nor looking for a new hobby but just the occasional meet up with others to do something you may like to do ?

I happened to look locally last week, and the nearest activity that day was Exeter so 20 something miles away, but actually it was being held in Torquay a town near where i live.
and it was a simple meet up, they were meeting at the train station and walking to see / look at Torbay's ' bay of lights ' an illumination trail.
and if anyone was interested there was the suggestion of a meal in Torquay at the end.

Thanks for the responses. Sadly been ill for a few days so all my plans to keep myself occupied have been cancelled and spending my new year's eve alone. But doing okay and finding it a wee bit funny how tonight's not gone to plan, just like the rest of my year! Settling into the new place and feeling a bit better. Hope you all have a great new year and thanks for all the support 🥂

2025 can only be better for you !
having said that, don't I recall a promotion in 2024 and a couple of breaks away / holidays ?

Happy New Year OP! Sorry your New Year's Eve went pear shape, but 2025 has got to be a better one for you.

We are now well into the New Year now, how are things progressing ?

Has he repaid you all the money due yet ?