To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Annoyed yes but it's a good way to have a baby and say well you were warned it might happen!

thank you x

Look, I'm all for men taking responsibility for contraception – 100% But it's up to you too. Why are you OK with an 'oops baby' with someone who is adamant that he doesn't want one? It looks like you're hoping to 'accidentally' get pregnant. That's undeniably a terrible idea, and shit of both of you.

@Blablah1234
Except "everyone" has not said he's not giving mixed messages. Some posters have said he is doing just that. It's mixed.

And yet, here they are providing opinions to strangers on the Internet. It's a complete contradiction. Why be here if they don't agree with people asking strangers on the Internet? 😆

@Universalsnail
Exactly, thank you! All this "just stop having sex with him then". Why? Why should I do that? I want and enjoy sex, AND I'm not particularly opposed to becoming pregnant again. So why would I become celibate against my wishes because my partner refuses to use condoms? If he's the one opposed to the pregnancy then surely he takes responsibility to prevent it?

@MadDogMama
Good point 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Trap him? A 40 year old man making a CHOICE to ejaculate into his partners vagina, isn’t being trapped by anyone, don’t be ridiculous.

OP, I suspect his choice of contraception is abortion, because it’s more convenient for him than condoms. I’d be very, very clear abortion is not an option or a choice of contraception for men.

@Universalsnail the difference is there wouldn't be another child in the mix who wasn't wanted.

I don't know why people are bothering with any form of constructive advice anymore because op clearly just wants an echo chamber of people telling her to crack on and it's fine because of course he'll come round when baby arrives 🙈

18 times and he doesn't want a baby!!

He's having a laugh!

Offer him a clear choice between condoms and abstinence. When he chokes, ask him how he'd react if you fell pregnant. Help his decision by informing that no way on this earth are you having a termination just to make his life easier.

Provide him with a hard Paddington stare to ensure he knows you're not joking.

Wow some people have really shit reading comprehension, don't they.

Four posts now explaining what I came here for and what my question was. And STILL people invent a more exciting narrative for their own entertainment.

Sad.

Alternatively book his vasectomy for him.

If he doesn't like condoms and won't give up sex, that is your only other option. He will have to endure condoms for three months afterwards, or for however long it takes to get the all clear, but somehow he will survive.

That is if you're prepared to put up with his nonsense.

I wish you well x

Reminder for those with shit reading comprehension:

I didn't come here asking if I would be unreasonable to try to get pregnant with this man. I can and will make my own judgement about that.

I came here to ask if I'm unreasonable to feel upset and angry at what feels like mixed messages on his part about conceiving another child.

Hth.

I don't think he is sending mixed signals at all. I think it is very clear that he doesn't want another child AND that he is a selfish lazy bastard who is leaving the risk up to you to manage.

I suspect you're right 🙁

Honestly I see it on this forum all the time as a solution to problems as if women just have sex for men.

There's one above "if he doesn't give up sex"
Like... I mean I sure af don't want to give up sex in my relationship. I feel sorry that there so many women who seem to think sex is some kind of transaction and not an active desire for many women.

I think you either reassure yourself that you’re prepared to do this and carry on as you are - getting your ducks in a row as they say on here in case you do get pregnant - or you tell him he has two choices - condoms or vasectomy.

Personally I’d make it very clear that I would expect him to welcome a baby he fathered while having unprotected sex. It is totally unacceptable to push the responsibility on to you telling him where you are in your cycle because there is no cast iron guarantee of that being safe.

If he ‘wasn’t happy’ if I got pregnant, I’d sure as hell make sure everyone you’re close to knows what risks he took and basically what an idiot he’s been. Then I’d divorce him.

If he doesn’t want a baby you have to take responsibility to say put a condom on or no sex. Just because you want a baby it doesn’t mean it’s ok to get pregnant when he doesn’t want one.

Why can't he take responsibility and put a condom on his own penis? Why does she have to take all the responsibility for his sperm when she is completely fine about getting pregnant and has expressed that too him clearly.

It’s both of their responsibilities but she is allowing him to do it when she knows he doesn’t want a baby! If you insist at the point of the penis entering then surely problem solved?!

I get it OP - he's being totally inconsistent and I'm not surprised you're finding that difficult.

Some of the replies here are utterly batshit and deliberately unpleasant.

I have skim read this thread. But this is what I was going to say.

His messages are not mixed. he is very clear. 1. he does not want a child. 2. if you do get pregnant he will blame you for not being "smart" enough to figure out when you are more or less likely to get pregnant.

Personally, I would say to him very clearly that you are no longer taking any responsibility for thinking about this. If you have a regular cycle, the most I'd be willing to tell him is what my regular cycle length is and, if asked, what day in the cycle you are at. If he does not want to get pregnant it is then up to him to figure out when is and isn't safer AND to 100% accept this isn't a guaranteed solution and that if you get pregnant you will a) be happy and b) will not be taking the "blame".

And at what point is he taking any responsibility? I missed that part. Or is he exempt from taking responsibility because he's a man and therefore immune from responsible behaviour, lest it may impede his sexual pleasure? 🙄

If he doesn’t want a baby the responsibility is wholly and completely on him to make sure that doesn’t happen. I can see how it’s a mind fuck for you @upsetandangrywithhim .

And yes it’s less likely to happen at certain parts of your cycle and with you age. However about 7 years ago my partner and I had unprotected sex on the very last day of my period, and I have a 6 year old to testify that even regular cycles can mean jack shit at times.

Yep.. men who don't want 100% don't want babies need to get a vasectomy or abstain.
Condoms if neither of those but still risky.
He is being an irresponsible arsehole