To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Read my updates. He's said he would treat a second hypothetical child NO DIFFERENTLY to our existing one, despite not wanting another.

More inconsistent messages, as I've said.

It's not confusing though - you know why he is having sex without a condom, he has told you he just doesn't like it.

Now, his attitude towards it is also ridiculous and immature but honestly, you choosing to put yourself, your existing child and a possible future child into a situation where the father has actively said he doesn't want it is thoughtless and silly.

And you believe him? This man who is apparently sending such mixed messages already?

TBH I think a lot of couples I know end up getting pg and have babies in similar circumstances. Men are often ambivalent or don't want a baby, but they don't opt to use contraception and the woman doesn't opt for a reliable method because they do want kids.They call it an unexpected pg but it's not really that unexpected if you know how conception works. And it works out fine in the end, for most couples I've known - the guy just goes along with it although they tend not to pull their weight but the woman doesn't mind as she has the baby she wanted.

You're astonishingly selfish now OP. It's not you or your OH who will suffer if you get pregnant... it'll be the already existing child plus the unborn baby.

He's already proven words his words mean diddly squat, you believe him when he says he won't pressure you into a termination or walk away?!

You're a fool and a selfish one at that.

"Astonishingly selfish" for wanting another baby 🙄

Right o.

I do understand this viewpoint to a point BUT why does the OP need to be denying herself sex with her partner and a much wanted child because her partner is an idiot?

It's strange to take action to prevent something happening that you want to happen, just because someone else is feckless.

But equally a child is a being in their own right, so I do see the argument in thinking about their future too...

In this scenario. Yes, you are. Its what you want not what he wants.

Exactly! No thought of the potential child. Absolutely selfish

This. Thinking with his dick. YUCK!
Seriously what is wrong with these men.. a bit more pleasure in their 10 mins of thrusting and taking the risk of an unwanted child who they will have for life!? It's just insane.
He needs to abstain and have the snip.

He is behaving very immaturely but you're complicit in it too. He has expressed what he does and doesn't want but if/when you do end up pregnant the end result is on both of you. You say you want a child but do really want one with a man who has absolutely said no? Is that a fair dynamic to bring a child into?

Men's lives tend not to change to the extent that a woman's do so he's probably thinking 'I'll take a risk for a better shag and if it goes wrong she will be the one to pick up the pieces/quit work/go through pregnancy/birth/sleepless nights' and if you ever dare to ask for help he will be able to say well you wanted this not me. It's an absolute breeding ground for resentment.

Just because he's too stupid to take precautions it doesn't mean you need to be.

@upsetandangrywithhim I’m not sure if this point has been raised but you are both placing a lot of faith in your cycle tracking app. This might be interesting to you. And especially as you are getting older your cycle will usually become less reliable. Twin pregnancy rates rise. Other issues arise which are associated with increasing maternal age.

In short this is quite a risky situation for you both. As you get older all the risks increase. You want a baby. He doesn’t. If you were to conceive twins or experience a difficult pregnancy do you really think he’ll be on board? Or will it always be a case of, ‘well you wanted this.’?

It’s heartbreaking to want a baby so much and to have a man giving you such mixed messages but please don’t allow this to continue. You could end up in an awful situation and he will paint you as the villain.

Either he chooses to TTC knowing the risks of he always uses contraception. There isn’t a safe middle way unfortunately.

You are because you're thinking of what you want not the upshot for the poor baby who is unwanted by its father and the other kid that will probably have to live in a toxic environment or see their parents split up.

The faux confusion is quite pathetic to be honest. He has clearly expressed what he does and doesn't want. He's having unprotected sex for his own selfish enjoyment not because he wants a baby.

I'd lay this thought process out for him.

Why are people acting like a child conceived in this scenario would be neglected, abused or abandoned in an orphanage? Such hyperbole 🙄

Worst case scenario, the child results in us going out separate ways (like many thousands of families), and we co parent, or I raise the child myself if he wanted nothing to do with him or her. However, given he's said he would want to parent the child regardless, and given he's done just that with our 2 year old and been very hands on since her birth, I haven't got any evidence that he wouldn't at this point.

As I've said, I have an adult child who I raised myself for 10 years. Was I also selfish for continuing with that pregnancy at a young age, knowing I probably wouldn't stay with her father long term because we were young and stupid? I now have an adult child who is an absolute credit to me, intelligent, caring, and a well rounded sensible young lady and I did that mostly by myself. I'm fucking proud of that. I could do it again.

I have nothing to feel ashamed about here and I am not going to stand by and not defend myself when I'm called "selfish" completely unfairly, as if I'm planning to bring a child into the world and just abandon them ffs.

Thanks to those who have been supportive and at least attempted to be helpful and constructive. To those who only came here to level insults at me, save it. I care not what you think of me. I'm sure all of your life choices are spot on and I'm sure you're all paragons of virtue 🙄

I'm stepping out now.

Thanks again to those who've helped.

It's not about being neglected or abused OP. It's about being unwanted. Accidents happen, we can all accept that. But to knowingly continue having unprotected sex with someone who has clearly expressed that they don't want a child is selfish and wrong.

They would be VERY MUCH wanted by ME, their mother.

ME being the key word there...but you're not selfish.

I love how I'm at fault here. I'm the selfish one, for having sex with him when he's said he doesn't want a baby and yet happily has unprotected sex with me 🤔

And it's ME who's selfish here. Unbelievable.

And that is something to be proud of.

it doesn't mean it's a decision you should actively make and a scenario you should deliberately potentially create for a future child. you was already pregnant with your eldest. you're not (assuming so) yet.

But I suspect you will continue and probably fall pregnant at some point anyway.

people's answers may seem harsh but it is just questionable to willingly concieve a child who's other parent doesn't want them.

No he's an irresponsible dickhead as many people have said. But it takes two to tango as they say and you are complicit in this knowing what may happen and knowing his wishes.

@fusspot25
You're really trying aren't you, to twist any little thing to support your biased narrative.

I am using capitals there to emphasise that, any child conceived in my body would be very much loved and wanted by me, if not their other parent. They'd have MY love as their mother as a minimum. Unless you're now saying that all kids raised by lone parents are fucked up and unloved?? Cos that's a bold statement.

It's not that. He's being an arse putting his dick first. But you can't control his behaviour, the only person's behaviour you can control is your own. That's why people are focusing on what you are doing.

It isn't a mixed message. You calling it that also makes me think you think he secretly wants a baby.

He doesn't want a baby. He wants to have sex without a condom. If it results in a pregnancy he will no doubt say you tricked him. No mixed messages.