To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Lol you are a stranger on the internet, it matters not to me whether you get pregnant or not. I'm not twisting anything and I don't have a narrative. But you asked for peoples viewpoints and now you don't like what you're hearing. Did you expect sympathy and for people to say 'it's not your fault hun, it's all on him'?

I've been a single mum. It's not something id choose for me or my child. I've now remarried and have other dc and trust me, blended families are not a walk in the park either.

It's all very well saying 'well I'll leave him and raise the child alone' but have you thought about the logistics? The life for your children? Splitting time between homes. Splitting birthdays and Christmases. Potential other partners and siblings down the line? Yes it happens and for many people it can work fine. But would they actively choose it from a starting position? Probably not.

And that's without the knowledge that your other parent, you know the other person who is 50% responsible for your existence and should be there to love and protect you forever, never wanted you.

Just something to think about.

It sounds to me like he's scared of committing to having another child.

I mean, he's said he'd love them and raise them etc... So most of the required pieces are already clear.

I think the trick is to find out what's holding him back. Is it maybe financial? or the lack of sleep? His age?

I think age might be a big part of his thought process. I had mine aged 31 and 34. I had noticeably less energy when the second one was a toddler than I did with my first where I was that little bit older.

Thanks that's helpful and something to consider x

@fusspot25 I totally get your point that if there were a pregnancy then at the heart of it there would be a baby growing up in an environment where the dad didn't want them, parents may split etc.

What is it you think the OP should do here? For me, I think OP should decline sexual contact until her husband takes action to prevent a pregnancy he doesn't want. Is that what you think too? Just trying to understand what you think should be done to address the issue, whilst recognising the current approach isn't realistic or responsible from either.

Absolutely decline sexual contact until he either reliably wears a condom or agrees to a vasectomy. Sadly I don't think she'll do either as she wants to get pregnant and certainly wont want him to have a vasectomy as it will take another baby off the table permanently.

I also think she should be honest with herself and stop pretending she's 'confused'. It isn't mixed messages when he's openly said he doesn't want a baby. It's just him prioritising sexual gratification over actual, adult behaviour. And she is being complicit by allowing it.

Both of them are selfish and only thinking about their own wants.

@fusspot25 I am not pretending to be confused and I absolutely take issue with that.

When a person's words and behaviour do not match i funnily enough DO find that confusing.

I am genuinely confused and upset by his contradictory words and behaviour. That's why I posted.

Don't tell me what I do and don't feel.

OP

I've been where you are now. Desperate for another baby that my Husband didn't want. He also wasn't to fond of condoms l, so I did the sensible thing and abstained from sex.

It was simple for me:

"I want a baby, you don't, you won't wear a condom so it's non PIV sex."

My need for another baby (like you I had 2 already but eldest was younger) wasn't worth the potential split of my family if I were to fall pregnant and he decided to walk.

I also took how the child would feel in to consideration. It would've been adored by me, of course. But each child knows they have 2 parents... if dad walked away but still kept in contact with the elder sibling the impact on the younger sibling doesn't bare thinking about.

Then there was housing, clothing, feeding and keeping a roof over all of my kids heads and doing it alone. Raising two alone is double to one, OP. It won't show in the first few years but as both kids get older that's where it'll get costly.

What about you meeting a future partner... Blended family's are no walk in the park.

No matter what you say or how you try to convince yourself you're right and it doesn't matter, it does. You need to think with your head not your ovaries. He may have told you he will stick by you... he's proven words mean nothing because as you rightfully say, his actions don't line up.

You really think he'll not treat a new baby differently, no resentment, no walking out.. resentment is shown in many different forms, it may not be obvious until it grows and he explodes by either walking out or blaming you for having another baby when he clearly said he didn't want one. And what if he goes against what he said, what will you do then?

Don't be an idiot. It's not worth risking your existing child's lifestyle for. They're here now.

@upsetandangrywithhim how can you be confused when he has categorically said no? He has spelt it out for you.

Clearly you know him better and only you know if he seriously means it.

But from an outsider perspective it looks very much like he just wants a more enjoyable shag.

OP it matters very much to a child that their father doesn’t want them. If that happens by surprise then no one is to blame but the father. But could you really risk inflicting that on your child knowing that he doesn’t want it? Would you not feel a terrible guilt if he never bonded with the baby or showed favouritism to their sibling? Or god forbid, left you all.

If he can literally turn his back on your tears and shrug then he can do that to a child if he feels like it. He obviously has the ability to just not care. He is the worst kind of apathetic. He doesn’t even care enough about a child to spare it the pain of being unwanted.

He also wants to stay married to you. His attitude speaks of weighing the odds. Telling you just enough of what you want to hear to keep you. And it’s enough to trick you into thinking there is ambiguity. He’s cowardly and should be ashamed.

No one here is moralising about the rights and wrongs on continuing with a pregnancy once it’s happened though. That’s an individual choice. But what most people are saying is that before that happens there is something that you can do. It’s still absolutely and throughly shit the way he is behaving. Indefensible. However, the only grown up left in this situation is you and there is no one else who can or will take responsibility.

To be completely honest, he's said he doesn't want another baby but he knows the risks of what he's doing and it doesn't sound like he would pressure you to have an abortion and it doesnt sound like hell leave either and if he does well, as you've said you are prepared to do it alone. Your situation sounds like my situation and we had one tense week while he accepted that we were having another baby because he didn't use a condom and then it's been fine, we just had another baby and he went and got a vasectomy. He actively says he's grateful we had her now.

I think many babies are born in similar situations truthfully.

For what it's worth OP honestly I think alot of the replies here are ott and I think alot of the people commenting, if they found themselves in your situation, desperately wanting another baby at nearly 40, would opt to just leave it up to chance too if there partner was doing what your partner is. It might not make them as righteous as they pretend to be on the internet, but I doubt any women desperate to have another baby is really going to be insisting her partner use condoms when he's showing no interest in doing so, really, even if they say they would.

Honesty in your situation I would stop discussing it with him. Maybe you'll get pregnant or maybe you won't. Hes a grown man who is making a decision for himself about what level of risk he is prepared to take and he's said he's happy with the risk you are taking. Maybe you'll get pregnant and he'll be accepting. Maybe he'll act like a man child about it (but from everything you have said it doesn't seem like that is the case) but either way if you continue to argue about it thats a sure fire way to end the relationship anyway.

He's a big boy. I don't see why you have to put all the work into either forcing him to wear a condom, or refusing to have sex (as if women just have sex for men and not because they like it, I wouldn't want to be celibate in a relationship tbh, I always find the "stop having sex" comments rediculous) when you are completely happy with the outcome if you were to get pregnant and he knows you feel that way. He can take responsibility for his decisions if he cares that much.

@Universalsnail
You talk a lot of sense and I completely agree with you, on many points.

I am absolutely astonished by how much abuse OP has received on this thread.

I completely understand why you are feeling so confused OP, it's like he's dangling this carrot in front of your face, something he knows that you want, but says you can't have, and then being very unclear by his actions. I completely get it.

If he had a vasectomy for example, or used a condom every time, then you would be absolutely clear that he definitely does not intend for you to become pregnant, but he's not doing that, hence your confusion.

I'm really sorry for the hostility you have faced on this thread, at a time when you are already feeling pretty shite.
I made a post recently and I felt that everything I said was twisted and some people were creating their own narrative about my life! Some people come to post on MN just to ruin the days of others, they're losers. Try to ignore.

I hope that you find a solution to this so that you can finally clear your mind of it, one way or another. ❤️

Honestly I am finding so many of the comments here rediculous and contradictory. Going by the comments you are meant to be massively concerned about potential breaking up your family if you get pregnant because he has decided he's ok with the risk of condomless sex, even though he has told you he wouldn't leave and wouldn't expect you to have an abortion, so the soloution is you refuse to have sex with him? Becuase sexless marriages definitely don't fall apart or anything 🙄 a sexless marriage where you are arguing about babies is going to fall apart very quickly.

My m'n'law (then 60s) thought sperm were like tadpoles and developed arms and legs to turn into babies...
I went to an interesting natural family planning course - apparently the woman has two little pockets in her womb near the cervix that sperm can park up at and wait. The male sperm die off fairly quickly but the female sperm can last for weeks! So I hope he knows about these!
I'm sorry I don't think he is sending you mixed messages - he just prefers sex without a condom.

Tell him to get the snip.
Don't have sex with him until he does.
Do not have another baby with this man.... it's ok to only have one child.

Much of it is pure misogyny dressed up as concern. Only women are made responsible for the actions and consequences of a selfish partner.

I don’t think there’s anything to read into it; plenty of people use cycle tracking as contraception (not foolproof, but it is what it is).

Don’t fool yourself he secretly does want another baby.

Honestly why are people in relationships like this? Asking strangers rather than the person they’re supposed to be closest to in the world.

Exactly.
So much misogyny in this thread.

• it's all her when responsibility to insist he wears a condom otherwise it's her fault if he ups and abandons his children despite him not caring enough to use condoms. Not you know his fault for not using protection and then not stepping up to his responsibilities
• sex is something women give out to men and the soloution is to withdraw sex as if it's not something women actively want in their relationships.

How patronising is your last paragraph? We all need an outside perspective sometimes on our relationships, that's not unusual nor a character flaw. It's totally normal.

So what are you even asking? You're being very clear you want to fall pregnant despite your partner not wanting another child and that's why you're having unprotected sex hoping to get pregnant. You don't actually seem torn on anything except wanting posters to tell you it's a great idea?

Ok - I take it all back.

Have a baby, he’s clearly secretly desperate to have another one with you, despite protesting otherwise. It’s always a good idea to have babies when one person isn’t sure, but this clearly isn’t one of those cases, so go ahead.

There you go, what you want to hear.

@MississippiAF
Total straw man argument, just making yourself look silly now.

I was commenting on your final paragraph about me asking for advice on here. You're implying it's not normal. It is.

@Blablah1234

So what are you even asking?

As per my several previous posts clarifying this exact question- I am asking if I am right to feel annoyed and upset about his mixed messages.

Interesting that posters are repeatedly asking me "so what are you asking?" when I've said the following in my OP:

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Then clarified again with this:

I'm asking if I'm right to feel angry and upset at the glaring inconsistency in my partner's words and actions.

And once again, with this:

I'm saying his words and actions are inconsistent, and that has annoyed and upset me. And asking if I'm right to feel annoyed and upset by this inconsistency. I've said this several times now.

If it's not clear from these THREE posts what I'm asking, I can't help you further.

But as everyone has pointed out he isn't giving mixed messages. It sounds like you just want different things because if he was either using condoms or got a vasectomy you still want another child so what then?