To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

It's beyond ridiculous!

'Gentle hands please' 😝

That isn’t gentle parenting, it’s just wet and ineffectual parenting.

I do say some of those things but I also would remove weapon, give back toy and possibly remove my offending child from situation

Yeah I think there is definitely a Goldilocks Zone between saying what you do want to happen and not what you don't (eg let's step around the puddles to keep our feet dry v don't walk through the puddles which frankly may as well be an instruction to run through them like if someone tells you not to think of blue monkeys) and leaving all guidance and parenting to total guesswork on the child's part!

@Saschka but sadly that's how parents who claim to gentle parent seem to actually parent...

@toomanyleggings you're in the minority of gentle parents sadly (from my observations)

You say those things while removing the stick or hauling the offending child out of the sandpit.

A gentle parenting advocate on Instagram recently gave the advice "address your own reaction to it", "buy some noise canceling headphones" on a parent asking for advice on their toddler who sporadically screams all the time. I mean WTF?! I unfollowed her immediately.

Those are all examples of poor parenting.

Whether it's a bad case of gentle parenting I couldn't say without knowing each parents philosophy. It just sounds like they're first time mums struggling with the move from baby to toddler/pre-schooler.

Are you a perfect parent?

Sorry this crap infuriates me. Sometimes the parents are the ones that need a belt. What kinda foolishness. Keep your kids at home or let them loose in a safari. I don't have time for this.

All examples mentioned should have been: remove child and then talk to them. With stern warning. If repeats then straight home. Parent to apologise to other child and parent and set an example to said child they have allowed to become feral.

Only 'possibly'

@NuffSaidSam I an a first time parent. Raised by parents who don't play. I don't allow feral behaviour as a first time parent. 0 excuse. It isn't about perfect parenting it is basic human civilized behaviour no education is required for that.

These examples are not gentle parenting. I'd consider myself a gentle parent. It doesn't mean allowing kids to hurt others. In those situations I would give the warning and explanation, but if kid proceeded to try to hurt others they or the object would be removed. If my kid cried about that, I would again explain why it happened (I can't allow you to hurt others).

Edit to correct typo

I love the asking them if they want to brush their teeth one! What used to rile me most was when I was forced to play ‘bad cop’ in my own home because another mum chose not to.

There seems to be a risk with the sort of examples given by OP that the child ends up without guidance or boundaries. It doesn’t bode well for the teenage years,

Who is asking them for advice. OMG creating future spoiled wild brats fantastic. Who became spoiled unsocliased adults.

I'm on the fence. The examples you've described are definitely bonkers. The phrases "gentle hands", and also "indoor voices" give me immediate eyeroll.

The problem is the wheedling, pleading voice that those phrases go with, it just doesn't hold authority so kids ignore it.

So on that basis I agree to some extent.

However I have found lots of families I know have rigidly strict nap times and meal times and nearly all do sleep training and refuse to co sleep, wean off bf according to a timed regimen, eat only "healthy" food etc. Nothing wrong with all those things, but it's not what I'd call "gentle parenting".

So on average I'd say the families I know aren't gentle parenting. Apart from the discipline aspect, I'm probably considered the gentlest (most laissez faire) parent i know.

If we’d given the toy back, I wouldn’t remove no. In the hitting example and the sandpit one I would.

I noticed this sort of bollocks at a restaurant at the weekend. 3 mothers with completely unruly kids who were screaming and running around everywhere. Clearly dangerous behaviour in a restaurant! They were completely oblivious to the reaction of everyone else around them too. These kids were older so had clearly never had any boundaries. When did it stop being a parent’s job to teach right from wrong and basic manners?

"Sticks are for looking at'. Yeah, well known popular international children's playground pass-time: stick-staring.
Hahaha.

I wouldn't necessarily expect the Mum to move the kid away if they were throwing a bit of sand, though if I were her I would threaten to if they didn't stop.

The stick should have been taken off them though if it was being used more like a threatening weapon than a beautiful natural phenomenon that is clearly visually massively stimulating (according to the Mum)

Well done you.

Good at behaviour management.

Lacking in empathy I'd say! Watch that because that's also an important skill to teach your kids.

No-ones perfect.

Rather than gentle parenting, most of those examples seem to reflect parents who are scared to evoke any kind of frustration in their kids. Which is not helpful to anyone, least of all the kids.

@NuffSaidSam

Eh? That’s a bit of a leap! How can you tell from a few lines on an internet forum that a poster is lacking in empathy?

Absolutely howling at "sticks are for looking at"

Have name changed in honour

It’s a complete failure of parenting. Kids need clear boundaries and clear consequences. They are not daft. One warning then consequence, immediate and clear. The parents’ behaviour is raising a tribe of spoiled whiny gits ill-equipped for life.

Did you read their post?!