To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

The example of 'bodily autonomy' and teeth brushing is disgraceful parenting.

Let's be clear, the NHS and social services view a child with a mouthful of cavities as neglected ffs !

So all these 'gentle parenting' like that are simply neglecting the health of their own child ! Nowt bloody 'gentle' about that !

Urgh I hate it! We were at soft play recently, and a 3 year old hit my 1 year old repeatedly. The Mum looked like she wasn't going to do anything, until I went to intervene and then she just said, "Gentle hands, Milo!"

At which point I told the child off and told him hitting wasn't nice, then removed my child from the situation and the Mum got very cross with me.

What terrifies me is that my child will be at school with all these other children who've been completely ineffectually parented, with no boundaries and never hearing the word 'no'.

And what about later in life, at uni? Surrounded my other 18 year olds who've never heard no? How is that going to work for meaningful adult relationships?

Completely agree! The kids I know who are subject to gentle parenting are rude with very poor behaviour and don't respect adults. If a 2/3 yr old doesn't want to put their shoes on, it doesn't need a discussion about emotions, it needs some firm words that it isn't a choice. It's a major issue for the teachers and tends to be parents who think their child should be allowed to do what they want to the detriment of the rest of the class. I'm all for having discussions with kids when they are old enough but boundaries are essential and they have to respect adults!

And all the people on here saying that what's being described isn't genuine "gentle parenting". The issue is that the parents THINK that's what they're doing. They think if they're just saying "gentle hands" or whatever that they're gentle parenting and they're generally quite self-satisfied about it. I don't know what the answer is.

Absolutely this! That's just plain lazy parenting.

No wonder the UK is full of adults who don’t want to open the door for a delivery, or only can wfh because of their mental health.

Agreed, what a shock some of these children will have entering school. And the poor teachers having to deal with a class full of 5 year olds who have never been told no!

I think your title should be: AIBU to think people woefully misunderstand gentle parenting.

These examples are a poor attempt at it, not it being taken too far. It's totally missing the boundaries, which is a very important part. Saying it's been taken too far suggests we shouldn't be doing gentle parenting as much, which is nonsense. Gentle parenting is a new name for authoritative parenting (high warmth/connection, strong boundaries - not to be confused with authoritarian parenting) which has been studied for decades and shown to create the best outcomes for children.

Children learn to negotiate with parents from a tiny age too. Most normal parents are happy to capitulate because it give the child a sense of independence. ‘Ok 2 more goes on the slide then’ type scenarios. If you have a parents who never says no then you’re missing out on learning a vital social skill. Essentially working alongside others to get what you want or as near to it as possible. No wonder these kids can’t cope at school or in the workplace! No wonder social skills are lacking. They’re not equipping their dc for the real world at all. The more I think on it it’s actually an bit abusive

All examples of parenting failures and these kids will grow up to be e nightmare for society. They'll either display toxic behaviours or actually become criminals & m9st of it will be as a result of shite parenting.

The examples you’ve given OP are permissive parenting dressed up as gentle parenting. As the adult you still need to ensure things like teeth are brushed. To establish bodily autonomy would be something like “do you want to give grandma a kiss goodbye?” rather than not letting them do things needed for basic hygiene.

That’s not gentle parenting, that’s shit parenting.

This isn’t gentle parenting. I practice gentle parenting but still have boundaries with my son.

1. i would take the stick off him before the hitting occurred, then speak to him about how it isn’t kind to chase friends/hit friends. He would also be asked what emotion he was feeling and if cross/angry how to cope with that.
2. i would take the toy off my son, explain it isn’t kind to snatch, say sorry to friend B and I would give them the toy back and tell my son he needs to wait/ask nicely.
3. boundaries are in place and tooth brushing, like a happy change, are non negotiable. He does autonomy over certain things but such important things are non negotiables and he knows this.
4. he would be taken away from the sand and spoken to about how his actions aren’t kind

On the whole, my son doesn’t hit/throw. We do sometimes have disagreements about tooth brushing but gentle parenting as it should be with boundaries attached, is shaping into a kind and sweet natured boy. I had a childhood of being shouted at and don’t think it was the right way to raise a child. I only ever shout if he is doing something dangerous.

My dd is 39 so had never heard of gentle parenting when he was 3.
I do remember a trip out with a friend and her 3 year old.
We got to a pedestrian crossing and friend’s dd refused to take her dm’s hand.
We stood for at least a minute while friend tried explaining how important it was to hold mummy’s hand whilst crossing a road.
Meanwhile frustrated drivers daren't drive over the crossing.
Eventually the dd did hold her mum’s hand but I remember thinking ffs just grab your dc, cross the road and then have the conversation.

32 years later my dgs suddenly threw himself onto a road as my ds held his hand.
Ds scooped dgs up and once crossed safely he got down to dgs’s level and explained sternly but age appropriately that what dgs did was dangerous and unacceptable. Dgs was 4, I was very proud of ds. He’s a very good father.

I don’t get it… HOW can she possibly think sticks are for looking at? How?! Hasn’t she ever seen a painting or a photo? Mad woman.

The way my acquaintance described it, it sounded like they let her DC choose what to learn and when he wanted to learn it.

On the one hand, I can see that, when done well, it could be beneficial - there’s a definitely a benefit in letting a child focus on areas that they’re interested in, after all
everyone’s a more motivated learner if its a topic they’re interested in - but on the other hand, it sounds like the sort of home educating style where it’s possible to do it very badly.

Given that my acquaintance was going on about how her 10 yr old DC wanted to be a social media influencer, and how they’re supporting that, and then ranting about how awful it was for me that my secondary school DC had to study English and Maths at GCSE regardless of their interest in the subjects, I’m unconvinced about the benefits of unschooling in this particular case.

Yep and as a teacher currently dealing with these children at school trust me when I say it’s becoming a huge issue.

It doesn't help at all. As I said upthread, any description of gentle parenting on MN is met with 'that's not gentle parenting'. Can you or one one the other three or so pps who gave a response like this explain what gentle parenting is, that is different from what I think most of us would just call parenting? For example, I think most people with some level of intelligence or education try to be kind to their children, explain things and not endlessly shout. That has been the expectation for school behaviour management for years and years. I've taught hundreds of children in different areas and that is how most children are parented. The ones who aren't are generally from families you have multiple concerns about anyway.

The OP’s examples are worrying for a range of reasons:

1. Assumptions that pre- or minimally- verbal children can understand complex language
2. Corrective Instruction using body language and voice tone of praise is very confusing for this age group
3. The above two factors relegate adult authority to ‘white noise’ and effectively teaches children to ignore adults - what happens when a child keeps running into the road?
4. These children will start school and rather than make friends, they’ll be rejected and then their behaviour will get worse

I’ve seen how this trajectory goes. It’s not pretty. These children are not happy.

That isn’t gentle parenting though, that’s a complete absence of parenting. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean not removing your children from situations or not disciplining them. Gentle parenting is not screaming and shouting at your kids, not hitting them, not humiliating them into submission. It involves listening to your children and how they feel, but it doesn’t involve not putting consequences in place.

Absolutely.

Boundaries are actually effective in helping children feel supported and safe.

You know that x equals y.

You know that you are loved despite mistakes.

The biggest issue on schools currently is kids make mistakes and know parents will argue the consequence.

But because of the behaviour schools are putting in consequences for small mistakes to try and counteract this.

It's a mess.

The ones I know end up unpopular and friendless because other teens won’t indulge utterly self centred tantrum like behaviour and vote with their feet. Then parents wring their hands that their teen has no friends. The smarter ones figure out how to behave themselves but seems a shame they have to parents should have taught them.

Al is fine except your belt comment. No one needs to be belted. Ever.

This is true, I hadn’t thought about it from that angle before.

My son has pda autism so our parenting looks quite different a lot of the time, but he is an excellent negotiator… he is very good at expressing himself and reasoning out arguments, and finding evidence for his position- not because I’ve taught him any of that, just because he has to test every boundary and demand for any weakness or lack of logic.

Im sure he wouldn’t have these skills if he didn’t have boundaries etc to test.

It probably is what a lot of people did. Other parenting styles could include lots more yelling, or even physical punishment. That's obviously not gentle