To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

I consider myself gentle but try to reasoning with toddlers requires more than words.

In the stick example I would stop my child take the stick and tell him why after.
In the toy case I would take the toy and explain the importance of turns and sharing.
In the teeth case I would as I did make brushing the teeth time nice, fun land learning about good habits.
In the sand case I would separate my kid form the sand and explain it after.

No need to shout or punish but first is stop the risk or hazard. What are they going to do in a real case of risk. Tell their child oh my dear don't put your hand in the barbecue because is hot?

This.
Ours are older teenagers now, but the family we know that had little ones like this were soon in trouble at school, progressing to getting drunk and vandalism by the time they were preteens. And now, no idea as our kids wouldn't have anything to do with them so I’ve not heard the village gossip…they were completely failed by ineffective parenting IMO, I hope they get over the bad start their hippy dippy mum and totally passive father gave them.

Wow. Examples on here of not brushing teeth or letting kids hit other kids is bloody disgraceful.

I’m by no means an amazing parent but for me, there are things that are just non-negotiable. Hitting other kids/throwing things, brushing teeth and getting dressed, having a bath etc. If they refuse, no ‘gentle’ about it.

The problem with these discussions is that the term "gentle parenting" is completely meaningless as it is no more than a social media buzzword.

I used to use it before I realised there was no commonly agreed upon definition but I don't use it now because it's too confusing.

People should be more specific and say things like "I am doing positive parenting" or "I think it's important to respect children's autonomy" or "I'm trying to avoid shouting" or "I don't believe in behaviourism" or "I'm following RIE principles".

Because people have different definitions - and you can't have a conversation where people are using one phrase to mean wildly different things. I've come across people using it to mean everything on a scale from "We don't shout or hit and time out is prohibited but if I call it the thinking cloud, it's fine"

to "We don't have any expectations of our child at all, we centre everything around them and treat everything they do as a miraculous feat because child development is so fascinating"

And there are loads of really great legitimate things that get lumped in as gentle parenting but then smashed up and spat out without any nuance and it's frustrating to the core.

Don't get parenting advice from tiktok or instagram. Read a book or do a course or listen to a podcast. Talk to people IRL that you admire their parenting approach.

@notameangirlhun I know DB is a teacher in central London. No other words needed.

We are going to home school. With a mix of Forest school once a week. It isn't going to be child led completely but in the earlier years more focussed on practical learning and not book. But Maths and English will be very important so will need to do book work in a more traditional way but with added practical application.

I have friends who home school and use a mix and it has worked out great. The kids are very social and polite and are more mature then their peers both academically and mentally.
My DC homeschooled until their kids were 8 and 10 and they were doing maths and english at an advanced level. Again the most mature and polite children I ever met. The manners were outstanding. No ferral behaviour.

This is bad parenting not gentle parenting. I gentle parent 100% but still discipline my child when it’s necessary. You can still be gentle by setting boundaries and sticking to them.

I think the only way to deal with these children is to slap the parents!

I think some bad or lazy parents identify as "gentle parents," without having done the actual reading of the concept let alone the employing the strategies.

There a gentle parent in our toddler group whose 4 year old child was trying to shove a 2 year old off a play frame. The mum just watched and said spouted off the usual be gentle, allow others to have a go. Child paid no heed and grabbed the other kid at which point their mum intervened and picked up their child and moved off. Kid then set his eyes on my toddler at which point I told him to stop and held up my hand blocking him from reaching her. Mum quickly jumped up and told me off for scaring her child.

I do have a couple of friends who gentle parent very well and have really sensitive, thoughtful and lovely kids.

When in practical terms there seems to be no difference, does it matter?

Gentle parenting seems to be this unicorn somewhere that supposedly exists but nobody has actually seen, instead all we’ve seen is parenting like in the OP.

My sister (gentle parent, awwwww I understand you’re frustrated but don’t hit honey, it hurts
my heart to fall out with my kids yada yada) is shocked by my parenting. I say NO, I follow through my punishments (usually taking away a toy), and I even tell my child she’s annoying me sometimes (for example if she won’t stop shrieking or digging her elbow into me).

Who has the best behaved (and most confident) child? Probably because kids want to go on play dates with her and she has lots of friends because she doesn’t hit them and snatch toys.

It's reassuring that so many of the comments on here are so sensible! Maybe there are actually a lot more sensible parents around, but I just don't notice them so much. I just notice the more performative ones whose kids are hurting mine without any boundaries.

No, because this information is freely available on the device in your hand that holds all the answers you could ever want.

It's also a large part of the explosion of so-called mental health problems, children who are victims of 'gentle' parenting can't cope with being exposed to word No, but that's all the school's fault.
I stick with my reasoning that 'gentle' is 6/7 of 'neglect'.

You can tell the children who haven’t been given boundaries at home and at 3-4yr they pretty much laugh in your face when you try to stop them doing something dangerous or upsets others etc. They then look shocked when we actually enforce what we’ve said, usually with the back up of all the other adults. By the time they leave for school most have calmed down and are listening to what is being said much more calmly. They have to be able to comply to instructions and get along with others by time they start school so they are able to learn.

Gentle parenting isn't being taken too far. People are just calling crap parenting gentle parenting. Gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences and all the stuff traditional parents do-they just do it better.

We do have a family from the little I’ve seen I would consider proper gentle parenting. They get to child’s level, talk to him calmly and properly but they enforce boundaries. He is lovely and polite. Listens if you ask him to do something. He is clever in the sense that you can tell parents have explained things properly to him about things he’s interested in. There is a difference when it’s done well rather than weakly.

Agree with PPs that isn't gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is putting in place boundaries and consequences without losing your shit at your kids.

Also agree. A example of gentle parenting would be taking the child to choose their own toothbrush eg "You have got to brush your teeth so would you like the blue toothbrush or the red one?" then let them choose. That gives them a choice but the end goal is non negotiable.

This is not gentle parenting, it is permissive parenting. Not the same thing.

But most good parents do that anyway. And I don’t believe that there are parents who never ever lose their shit, even gentle ones. So it’s basically just a re brand of good parenting in the same way that BLW was a re brand of finger foods. We don’t need all the evangelical social media.

I often see people claim that these aren't examples of gentle parenting. However, the founder of gentle parenting is Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books including "The Gentle Parenting Book". To quote directly from this book, "so what if they didn’t get their bath or teeth brushed? It can happen tomorrow."

So it seems to me that these absolutely are examples of gentle parenting and you cannot separate gentle parenting from permissive parenting.

This

I'm very positive about ge the parenting

what it shouldn't be is passive, boundary free, lazy and ineffective parenting.

I know there are many pointing out that this is actually permissive parenting instead of gentle parenting, but in reality, every single person I know who claims to be a ‘gentle parent’ is like this, so I there must be some major miscommunication going on somewhere in the gentle parenting world. Their kids are an exhausting nightmare to be around, and then the parents are hurt and shocked when nobody wants to have their kids over for play dates or step in to babysit if they need to go out.

Gentle parenting? What is this crap, we'll have lots of spoilt brats and just wait for the teenage years , who is on charge here ? Sounds like the children

Another interesting theme I’ve seen in my social circle is parents complaining about school behaviour charts. One mum had raised it with the head who’s answer was basically they can’t control a class without and when they get to secondary there will be strict rules so they would be failing kids by not preparing them for that. Ironically if all these gentle parents were preparing their dc to behave in primary there would be no need for the behaviour charts. Never had them in our schools in the 90’s.