Performance parents

[Maryquitecontrarymary]

Am I the only one who is irritated like hell around these people?
At airport waiting to board flight. Couple infront with 2 kids who seemed to want everyone to know what fun they are and how much banter they have together as a family. "Oh look at us, look how fun we are, look how great we get on with our kids".
Try to ignore but it's impossible as they are so loud and they are constantly looking around as though to see who is watching and listening, so you have to make sure you don't look their way or make eye contact.
Oh and guess where they happen to be sitting? Yep you guessed it, right behind us. I swear the whole flight could hear them and only them. The woman had a gob like a foghorn and seemed to swing between being performance banter mum and having a go at her husband. Even ear plugs couldn't drown them out.
I'm surprised these people don't exhaust themselves with their performances

and they are constantly looking around as though to see who is watching and listening,

but both of the parents? that is a very bizzare family

I appreciate the analogy and I was following until your last paragraph - I don't think it's fair or accurate to suggest that anyone who disagrees with the OP must be a "performance parent" themselves. It's a silly thing to throw into an argument, and we see it so often ("I don't think your MIL is selfish/a nightmare/a narcissist" - "oh look, think we've found the nightmare MILs on the thread!").

The problem is that the observer of the "performance parent" has unilaterally decided that the PP is doing it for their benefit. They don't know for certain. So there is always going to be some bias in that judgement. One person's idea of a "performance" will not be the same as the next person's.

My problem with these threads is that they're just nasty. It's playground bully type stuff - "oh how embarrassing, why is she speaking like that, her kid is not interested, look at her trying too hard, why doesn't she just chill out like me?" Imagine being a parent just trying your best to get it right, and worrying you're not doing enough, and seeing this thread on Mumsnet? You might wonder, "oh shit, was this me? Was I doing too much?" And then what's the outcome? Parents are shamed into interacting with their kids less, for fear of being criticised for doing it the wrong way. Why would anyone want that on a website that's supposed to be for parents to support other parents?

I have a performance Mother In Law.

Over Christmas, they were visiting us and FIL offered to go to the very nearby local takeaway. Both my husband and I offered to go with him- he said no need. He's been there before on his own no problem.

FIL puts on his coat and she pipes up 'DARLING! Has nobody offered to GO WITH YOU?! What if something should happen- I shall worry ALL THE TIME till you get back!'. While casting glances at me to make sure I was taking in this (presumably) model of caring wifely behavior.

He ventured out and returned unscathed ten minutes later with the goods. FFS.

Yeah- performative behavior, very annoying.

That’s brilliant! 😂😂

LOL at people pretending not to know what PP is or claiming it's normal parenting.

If you go to my local swimming pool (The Home Of Performance Dadding) you about 5pm on any weekday you will see many, many examples.

I mean…yeah? Hence the MN thread about them…?

takealettermsjones
I don't think everyone who disagrees is a performance parent, but I do think that once people are wedded to the idea that people show off in many areas of life but somehow parents don't show off & insisting that "people are just hating on parents who talk to their children" then it's getting bit disingenuous . Same for the claims that people discussing annoying behaviour couldn't be discussing annoying behaviour, they must be jealous of the amazing parents/jealous of people having fun/jealous of advanced children etc.

In reality it's just like any other situations where some people adopt annoying behaviour in public. We'd have no problem discussing annoying attention seeking behaviour in the workplace, or the loud and obnoxious behaviour of some groups of men on trains where they think they're hilarious and looking for an audience, but when it comes to parenting some people are like "it doesn't happen".

Talking to children in a volume appropriate for the situation is unlikely to cause anyone to pay much attention.

Well it’s waiting for an audience so you can pretend you all get along spiffingly well; better than other people. No audience= no “performance” x

Perfect example

Arsehole

I'm not suggesting parents never show off! I've got a friend who regales me constantly with tales about how her son is ahead of everybody in his class in absolutely every subject. I just nod and smile 🤷🏻‍♀️

What I'm saying is that it's nasty to observe a parent just going about their life, not talking to you, and decide that they are performing for you, with no actual evidence of that. I know that some people say it's obvious - but can't we give people the benefit of the doubt? Given that interacting with kids, even in a way that some people might find annoying, is much better than not interacting with them?

I'm not defending this because I am one. I've done a few of the things mentioned on this thread - I've sung nursery rhymes in the supermarket (albeit only loud enough for my kid to hear), I've played games and read stories on the bus, I actually explained daffodils to one of my kids not so long ago! But the thing is that I'm not doing it as a performance for anyone - I literally could not care less if anyone saw/heard me, and would probably prefer they didn't tbh (nobody wants to hear my singing)!

I may be showing my own bias but what I'm saying is that I think people are more likely to be like me - i.e. just doing their thing interacting with their kids regardless of who's watching - than actively going to the effort of putting on a performance.

You might find them - and me - annoying, that's fine, you're allowed to think I'm annoying 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 but it's just you thinking I'm annoying. It's not me being a performance parent.

takealettermsjones
I didn't say you had said it doesn't happen. It's an observation about things that are said on this topic.

Most of what you outline doesn't sound performance parenting at all. Singing to your children quietly, reading a book to them, playing a game or talking about daffodils is just parenting. It's what most parents do day to day. That's the point! Most people interact with their children and the world doesn't notice!

Think about how many parents and families you'll see in a day and you don't notice them because they're just getting on with being a parent.

There's a reason a certain set of behaviour and type of parenting stands out and annoys people and it's because it isn't just run of the mill chatting to your children.

Agree it’s painful when someone is rooting for you to be their audience and you have to actively avoid it - hate plane journeys due to various behaviours. My DH had concerned words with a physical fighting pair of teenage siblings sat next to him- m/f - girl was crying and bleeding due to deep scratches - the mother seated herself a few rows away and gave DH a mouthful ( then proceeded to yell at her DS) awful situation

Thing is OP 'people putting on a very obvious performance' is a subjective statement, based on your personal opinion of some strangers behavior, not on fact. So people in this internet forum are interpreting the situation as presented differently to you because it is subjective. But you, know, you do you. Or next time film them so we can all see exactly how very very performative it was and there can be no argument to the contrary.

Goodness, NO ONE is saying that interacting with your children is not good, or normal or anything of the sort.

Yes, loud people on planes are annoying. BUT in their possible defense, when my DC is nervous about something, sometimes what gets her through is me being ridiculously over the top enthusiastic/encouraging. We had ski lessons last weekend and my eyes probably were darting around, not because I wanted everyone to think I was amazing but because I KNOW I was being weird (admittedly on the ski slope not the plane!) and I was embarrassed!!

I get it, I know parents who put on a performance for social media. They only show the good side of parenting, I can't stand it tbh. I can't connect with them at all because they don't laugh and joke about the shitty side of parenting. They always want to get one up on you, their kids are always better than yours so you avoid talking to them about the hard parts because they never understand...

No idea what you're talking about.. What was performative about speaking loudly?

There was (one of the numerous) kids in restaurants thread a few years back where someone described how she took her three year old to the Fat Duck as they could behave perfectly without screens, experience and appreciate the food just as much as an adult. Apparently said toddler had enough of a vocabulary to articulate what they thought of the various tasting menu courses. To me such a claim was a perfect example of 'performative parenting', the not so subtle my kids have been taught not only to behave in public but have a sophisticated enough palette and vocabulary to fully enjoy the experience of a Michelin starred restaurant. It really was a magnificent not so humble brag.

unfortunately I know exactly what she means, my DH is a performance father - particularly at airports and especially in queues. He does the whole looking around and everything. I cannot tell you how much I dislike it and I always try to put a stop on it. Occasionally I get a little treat like this in restaurants as well, oh the joy.

Not having netflix, I've missed some of Ricky Gervais's best work (please, please, put it on DVD). But yesterday I saw some on twitter, including part of a comedy series (?) in which a loud, performative parent gets the mickey taken out of him.

Here's the twitter link, sorry to anyone who can't access it:

https://twitter.com/SueTaylor_/status/1758531390767878270

😄😄