Excluding a friend?

[StephPlum]

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

There should be one event. Invite both, if they don't come there excluding themselves.

Is it their kids in school or them?

They're*

I'd invite both of them to everything just as you used to do. Then it's up to them if they come or not. You should be staying neutral

I think you're being really unfair to friend 1. Her son had to move school because friend 2s son was bullying and now she's being excluded from nights out. That's not fair. I'd be really hurt if I was her

I agree, Friend 1 is getting the raw deal here. Here child was bullied so badly by friend 2's son that he had to move school, she is prepared to not let it affect the friendship but friend 2 is not and acting like the injured party. Apples and trees spring to mind, cannot believe you are excluding friend 1.
V v v bad form

I agree with @Kinneddar . She's moved her child to a different school because of the bullying, and now she's being excluded from events.

How involved was Friend 2's child in the bullying? Can't their relationship - both mum's and children's - be worked on outside of the school, or is that a non-starter?

Yup, I said the same to our other friends. The problem is resolved, ones moved schools they are being ridiculous.
To be fair, if I was friend one I would have kept quiet but friend 2 is genuinely really much more upset than friend 1

Friend 2 says she spoke to her child about leaving out Friend 1s child but that it was no more than normal playground stuff (they are year 6). She said school spoke to them all but haven't observed it themselves. She essentially said Friend one and her child have made it all up, said Friend 1s child is a tell tale type of kid.
Friend 1 won't get into it much but said school separated them as much as possible after it was reported. She said it deeply affected her child and schools response was only to move her child away as much as possible. She says her child is happier in the new place.
I think Friend 1 was hopeful the kids could have a better relationship with each other away from school.

So friend 2’s child bullied friend 1’s child (probably, as she’s gone so far as to pull them from school). Now friend 2 is also trying to bully friend 1 by telling her “it’s all lies” and blanking her, trying to leave her out of the group.

You need to make sure friend 1 is invited to everything. Friend 2 can be a childish bully on her own time, but she doesn’t get to have tailored meet up pandering to her wanting to exclude friend 1. Up to her if she wants to leave herself out.

I agree, apples and trees.

Agree with what PP’s have said about excluding friend 1. It’s almost like you’re condoning the bullying behaviour of friend 2’s child and it does sound like friend 2 is childish and a bully too as @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing says.

This. With bells on.

Whats,,,'LIESBO ' ??

I read it as "lies so" the B is a typo.

I've been trying to encourage friend 1 to make more of an effort to resolve things. She is saying that she reached out a few times before Xmas with no response and beyond ensuring friend 2 isn't left out she's not really interested now in more than getting to a point where they can be polite to each other for everyone else's sake. I feel like she is being a cold about it all to be honest. She has lots of other friends so isn't missing out as much.

Friend 2 is utterly devasted, feels betrayed by friend 1 and that everyone will now think badly of her and her child. She said she is anxious all the time of bumping into friend 1.
Friend 1 invited us all to hers recently and friend 2 was so upset we all went.
If we invite them both friend 1 will come, which means 2 won't and then 2 will be so upset. She's definitely finding the whole thing harder than friend 1.

Sorry, that should be 'lies so'

If we invite them both friend 1 will come, which means 2 won't and then 2 will be so upset. She's definitely finding the whole thing harder than friend 1

Well that's her decision. But really for the sake of everyone else's friendships you can't be seen to take sides. If F2 isn't big enough to accept the olive branch already offered thats on her. She needs to stop playing the victim and act like a grown up. She's certainly not setting any kind of good example to her kids

I've been trying to encourage friend 1 to make more of an effort to resolve things

Why do you think it's up to friend 1 to resolve? She had to change her child's school due to bullying, the parent of the alleged bully called her and her child liars, and the child a tell tale, yet friend 1 still wants to keep things as amicable as possible. Do you not think Friend 2 should be putting in the effort here, instead she is acting the martyr so all the friendship group will choose her over friend 1? Has friend 2 reflected on any of this or apologised to friend 1 at all, it must have been serious to disrupt a child's education and friendship group.

Sounds like you have firmly taken friend 2's side, OP.

Friend 2 sounds very manipulative, controlling and “woe is me”. The fact that she completely minimised the bullying her child was involved in is a big red flag too. She’s embarrassed and trying to exclude Friend 1 to cover her up her own failings as as parent is my take.

I don’t know if I agree with the consensus on this thread. Telling your friend their child is bullying yours badly enough to move schools, leaving a WhatsApp group and then saying you don’t want to fall out, being ‘hopeful the kids could have a better relationship with each other away from school’ (when the other kid was supposedly such a bully) and saying that it’s third parties preventing a reconciliation is a bit disingenuous. I also wouldn’t like being told who I could and couldn’t spend what time with if I was you OP.

I'm trying my best not to take sides, it's really why we were meeting friend 2 without friend 1 so that we got to see them both.
I also see how much more upset friend 2 is about it all, and that she doesn't really have anyone outside of our group (which I think is part of why it's all so devastating for her).
I'd do the same for friend 1 too

If you want to go out with friend 2 without friend 1 or friend 1 without friend 2 then that is up to you - you don't always have to include everybody in everything especially when it's going to be awkward and tense.

Friend 1 chose to leave the group so she can hardly complain.

Why are you encouraging friend 1 to make more effort?? As always bullies are the victims. Sounds like mother, like child. Someone doesn't move their child for shits and giggles. You should be backing F1 and looking at F2 with a completely different view.

If it was me I would have kept quiet really. I don't really understand why she had to tell friend 2 at all

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? Friend 2 excluding friend 1 is a form of bullying in its own right.
I’d personally be having a chat with friend 2 and explain just how unfair she is being, and how she’s dividing your group and causing unnecessary tension. Why can’t she get over it? She sounds immature and petty.