Excluding a friend?

[StephPlum]

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

Not wanting to go out with someone who you think has painted you and your child in an excessively bad light is not bullying. Friend 2 is not stopping anyone from seeing friend 1. To suggest it is bullying in ludicrous.

Friend 2 is a bully just like her son

she's manipulating you all with her woe is me act to try and cut out friend 1 who's behaved like an actual grown up despite being the injured party!

If the kids are both yr 6, is there a strong possibility they'll be back in the same school next year anyway? Could this be the catalyst to bang heads together? Could you have a chat with friend 2 and assure her that if she came along to a group thing you'll hold her hand a bit so to speak to make sure it's ok?

Add her back onto the WhatsApp group.
Invite both.

I don't really understand why she had to tell friend 2 at all
Maybe because any responsible parent would deal with their bullying child and make them see their behaviour is wrong.

Don’t agree at all. Purposefully excluding one person from a friendship group is a form of bullying, albeit a passive aggressive one.
And she didn’t paint her child in a bad light, she moved her own child from their shared school because friend 2’s child was involved in bullying. Friend 1 didn’t want to fall out with friend 2. It sounds like she was rather amicable about it all.

So essentially @StephPlum you are taking Friend 2's side because she gets more upset? I can sort of see how that might come about initially as a gut reaction, but I don't think it's a good premise to work from tbh. As you don't know the full story about the bullying allegations, I think you have to stay neutral as PPs have said.

Also this: Friend 1 invited us all to hers recently and friend 2 was so upset we all went is completely unreasonable. Friend 2 doesn't get to tell the rest of you that you can't be friends with Friend 1. That would be an absolute deal-breaker for me.

I don’t think it’s grown up to accuse someone (or their child) of something extremely unpleasant, leave the group WhatsApp and then starting to invite everyone to things and act as if nothing has happened. I think that’s pretty manipulative in itself actually. Friend 2 has the choice of turning up to socialise with someone who’s accused her child of something really awful, and all the associated implications, or not socialising at all, and friend 1 wants the third option - friend 2 maintaining the friendships independently- to be taken away. And feels free to instruct her adult friends along those lines. I think she sounds like a piece of work herself tbh.

You honestly think she should have kept quiet about her friend’s child’s involvement in bullying which was so bad she had to move her child to a different school???

Just because it’s disrupted your nice little friendship group?

I’d really be thinking about your priorities, OP.

Does sound like your sympathies lie with friend 2, not sure why unless there is a drip feed coming. Why would you expect friend 1 to keep quiet about the reason for changing schools, and who was involved, that seems unreasonable? Why would you expect her to make more effort when it sounds like she has been already inviting friend 1 to things and it’s friend 2 excluding herself from anything friend 1 is involved in. And why does friend 2 being visibly more upset mean that she’s entitled to more sympathy than friend 1 whose child had to move schools? Seems overly simplistic at best.

I really haven't felt like I'm taking sides but can see how it could look like that.
I didn't want either of them upset :(

You are either friend 2 or you are taking friend 2's side.

You seem to think friend 1 should be the one making allowances for friend 2's child being a bully and that friend 2 is the one being wronged here. You are excluding friend 1 (isn't that bullying her now). She says both should be included. If friend 2 is so embarrassed (rightly) that her child is a bully that she can't look friend 1 in the eye that's on her.

If you are not friend 2 then stop pandering to her and her request to bully friend 1 by leaving friend 1 out.

Have you got a child at either of the schools? Are/were the children all friends?
Do you have any view about the bullying?

So you have taken a side OP.

You obviously think friend 1 has caused the problems in the friendship by not “keeping quiet”, despite friend 1’s child being the victim in this?

The actual problem has been caused by friend 2’s child and by extension their parent, who has not only allowed their child to bully another so severely that they were forced to move schools, but now also blamed the victim and their mother for this falling out.

Presumably friend 1 thought that since they were friends with the other child’s parent, they would be able to have a rational discussion with them and hopefully resolve the issue. Friend 2 has instead decided to escalate things by calling them and their child a liar and now is trying to oust them from the friendship group. With friends like this who needs enemies!

I don't feel like that this is what friend 1 is doing to be fair. She was hurt because we've always done things as a group, and she's continued to include friend 2 in group things (although friend 2 wont come, and i expect she knows that) but then saw us all out without her.
She feels very left out. But I don't know what the alternative is.

Personally I’d add friend 1 to the WhatsApp group and ignore the commotion, invite both to everything and let them sort it out between them

Friend 2 is still bullying friend 1 and her child

The alternative is you always include friend 1. She is not in the wrong at all. If friend 2 can't cope with being around friend 1 too bad on friend 2. Why does she expect you all to bully friend 1.

I have. They thought the children were friends and didn't see any bullying. Different class though

And this surprises you? Friend 2 is being petty as fuck. She’s an adult. These things can be resolved. But friend 2 has chosen the immature “waaaa she’s not my friend anymore” route.

And op is still trying to justify this.

Clear as day what's happening.

I think meeting friend 2 1:1 is ok but as a group you should include both and not leave friend 1 out.

Of course friend 2 should know what her child has done so she can address it at home (from experience, schools can be appallingly bad at dealing with bullying).

People don't move schools for normal friendship issues. Do you have any idea how disruptive it is moving schools? And the risk of making new friends etc. no one would do that. Friend 2 has turned it into being all about her. Typical mother of a bully. Not hard to understand where the child learned their behaviour from.

Friend 1 has even chosen to put it behind them. Friend 1 sounds amazing. Friend 2 not so much. Please do not pander to friend 2.

Would you behave differently from friend 1 if it were your child being bullied?

It's difficult waters for the parents to navigate. Bullying is not necessarily always very clear cut though it must have been going on a long time to move schools.
I think it is probably somewhat naive of friend one to have suggested that friends child was the reason for moving schools and expect to remain friends no matter how true it may be. I doubt there is any way back to be honest and it would probably have drifted a bit with them going to secondary soon anyway.

@StephPlum If it was me I would have kept quiet really. I don't really understand why she had to tell friend 2 at all
Huh? Kept quiet about friend 2s child bullying theirs? Are you nuts? Of course friend 1 should speak out. Bullies need to be called out and their parents need to know what they are doing.