Excluding a friend?

[StephPlum]

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

Because sometimes parents have to hear that thier children can be unkind.

Why on earth should Friend 1 keep quiet.

You really don't sound a understanding friend at all. Friend 2 throws her toys about the pram so you all pander to her.

Friend 1 has tried to resolve the situation with more grace than many others would but is treated as though she's done something wrong. To be quiet honest, she's better off away from you all and the drama.

Why do you act as if F1 is the one who's going to be able to sort this out? You're like a drunk looking for his house keys under a streetlight even though that's not where he lost them.

OP are you friend 2?

So F1 did exactly the right thing for her child and by school expectations and F2 deemed it underhanded? So F1 shouldn't have raised it with F2 in fear of her reaction nor raise it with the school? What exactly was she meant to do to help her child?

She also give you your friend group an ultimatum about the friendship? And you are happy that you're friend assumes she has that much control over you? Did anyone call out her completely inappropriate behaviour on the Whatsapp rant?

F2 is the problem. Parents rarely move their children in year 6. So I absolutely believe her child was in the position they were. F2 dismissing the situation as lies would have been very difficult for F1. Despite that she was willing to put it aside for the sake of the friendship group, reached out to be ignored and is willing be a group.

F2 has created this whole problem. Pretty clear where her child learned to be a bully.

No I'm not, just trying hard to see things from both sides.

Can you really find anything worthy of respect in Friend 2's side, though? She is upset at the accusation towards her child and angry at the person who made it. She is lashing out at the person who made it in fact, and insisting you all align with her. I don't doubt that she is upset and that that is distressing to view, but surely you can't morally agree with her viewpoint (which seems to be that Friend 1 shouldn't have made a fuss/said the true things she said).

@theilltemperedclavecinist amazing analogy 🤣

@StephPlum it's really simple. You tell both you will, going forward, be inviting both to all group things. If one self excludes that's on them. F2 is the only one giving ultimatums...

From reading between the lines - for all your stating you do not want to take sides - you've taken side of friend 2 simple as.

And friend 2 has orchestrated the situation where the friend group are now all turning on friend 1 because of this - you're booking stuff just with friend 2 and excluding friend 1! Absolutely not.

You're facilitating the bullying of friend 1; friend 2 sounds like an absolute peach.

My DS is being bullied badly by his ex BF and a few others who've all ganged together with the sole aim to make my DS's life a misery.
He's heartbroken, and if it carries on, the next step is total expulsion for those who are bullying my child.
The mother of one of them was (or so I thought) a good friend.
She had not been in contact for months.
I didn't report her child, nether did my DS. Others who witnessed events reported it all.
Yet somehow it's mine and DS's fault 🙄
Said she'd always be there for me, like I have been for her (done all sorts for her), but the minute we need something, she's off and blanking me.
Amazing really, they're at fault yet are ignoring us!
Some people take the proverbial.
I'm done with her, and her child after what they've done.
True colours and all that.
My life is definitely calmer and less dramatic without them in it.
I know of a few who believe her crap, but I honestly don't care.
School have everything on CCTV, so she can't deny what her darling little BLEEP has done.

So typical. The parents of the bully act all hostile and snub the victim's parents instead of apologising and showing remorse. It's no surprise why the kid turns out a bully. They are getting appalling lessons on how to live from their parents.

"No I'm not, just trying hard to see things from both sides."

@StephPlum you say you're trying to see things from both sides. You really aren't.

And you're also not listening to what the majority of posters are saying. You're clearly in awe of F2 or scared of her and are cow-towing to her demands and falling for her dramatics. At least just own it!

I'm so sorry to hear this :( your poor son

You're right of course. I haven't wanted to fall out with either of them but in order for that to happen I've had be much more cautious with f2 and hurt f1.
In order to be neutral, that'll upset f2.
I just feel rotten to be in that position.
Chatted with f1 today who is clearly upset. All of your insights have been really helpful and I did apologise that we've been doing things without her.
I offered to add her back into the WhatsApp but she doesn't to be added. She said it's been 3 months now and that's too much water under the bridge for her to feel comfortable returning and in addition she doesn't want to reignite any drama.
She says she wants to maintain friendship with us but doesn't feel it'll be the same. She's done with f2.
I've promised to ensure she gets an invite to anything I'm organising but obviously can't invite her to anything f2 is organising.
It's rubbish all round.

@StephPlum

I haven't wanted to fall out with either of them but in order for that to happen I've had be much more cautious with f2 and hurt f1.
In order to be neutral, that'll upset f2.
So you yourself admit you have not been neutral and you have chosen to be more cautious with F2 thereby upsetting F1
Can you explain why you are so desperate not to upset F2 but so willing to upset F1 even to the extent that you are not only not being neutral but being extra cautious first F2s sake?
Why is it easier for you to upset F1 even when F2 is the one being difficult?

Take the lead and organise more things, OP!

If I were F1 I would need you to take some accountability for how poorly you have treated her in your efforts to avoid upsetting F2, and if you apologised it sounds like you have started to do that.

At some point I think you need to consider the value of a friendship with F2 full stop. Someone who would manipulate you to hurt someone else.

But if you have at least dropped the "I've been trying to encourage friend 1 to make more of an effort to resolve things" approach from your original posts you are no longer actively punishing her for something out of her control.

Be the organiser.

Being brutally honest f1 is more reasonable. It's not that I prefer to upset f1 rather f2 it's just that it's f2 is more easily upset.
I see how of course that just because she's more vocal doesn't mean she's more upset than f1. I also recognise that it's f2 that's making it impossible for me to be fair with f1 without causing friction between me and f2.
Organising more is a good idea

@StephPlum
I am the mum of a child who's being chronically bullied.
I've not said anything, it was reported by witnesses who saw the repeated verbal and physical attacks on my DS, I didn't report it until I had all the facts and school were already aware.
Even though it's all on CCTV, mt child and I are the bad guys in the eyes of the parents of the bullies so I am totally with F1 on this.
To then exclude her when she's already feeling so low is awful.
My ex friend fell out with me because her bully of a child was sanctioned by school.
I did nothing wrong, neither did my child.
Yet we're the bad guys! 🤷‍♀️
So I'm like F1. And believe me, it is not nice.
If F1 says her child was being bullied to the extent they had no choice but to move schools, I'd take that very seriously, as that's a last resort.
To pander to F2, imo, is just not right - she needs to own what her child has done, not be allowed to wallow in her self made pity party.
Just my op, given I am in the situation you're F1 is in.

@pokebowls
I know. It has been horrific and it isn't over.
My child sent a text basically saying goodbye to his friend.
He's 11 years old.
Crisis team involved now because of that.
They do learn from their parents, and people have very short memories. I bent over backwards to help my ex friend and my DS sat with his ex friend when he was being bullied at junior school, every single day for weeks on end.
And he's repaid line this.
I'm absolutely disgusted with all who've done this and turned against him.

@StephPlum

Thank you. It is a living nightmare.
Your F2 is in the wrong and she will know that.
Appalling behaviour, no wonder her kid is a bully.

Why can't you just be a decent person and support F1? They way you keep making excuses for F2 is pretty appalling tbh. You are probably cauing F1 even more stress with this pressure. Have some empathy for F1

You seem very biased towards friend 2, it's pretty obvious who is in the wrong here. What is there to see from friends 2 side? She should be ashamed and apologetic. Poor friend 1 having to change schools for her child. You all sound like horrible people

So from your posts @StephPlum most of the events are organised by f2. You’ll have to take over and organise meet ups from now so f1 can be included in it. It seems f1 will
be excluded from a lot of things of the reigns are with f2. I hope you’ve realised you made lots of excuses for f2 like she was more upset just because she’s vocal about it doesn’t make it upset. If I was f1 and read your comment about why did f1 have to mention to f2 about the bullying and should have just kept quiet you’d be getting the boot as from what you said you don’t seem to be a friend to F1.

@StephPlum this is exactly it.