Page 5 | Excluding a friend?

StephPlum · 2024-02-20T13:16:21+00:00

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5. We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too. Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp. Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in). Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2. Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded. If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us. Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

DaisyHaites · 20/02/2024 15:58

Friend 2 is being ridiculous. My best friend as a child was the daughter of a close friend of my mum. Then she turned into my bully, and her mum didn’t really believe it/me. She stayed good friends with my mum though, and my mum with her, because they didn’t see the need to fall out over it.

20 years later, she did concede that it was probably her daughter instigated it all but we’ve all moved on since.

Friend 2 should realise that even if she thinks Friend’s 1 child is a liar, then that isn’t a reflection on any of the adults in this situation. Is she really suggesting that Friend 1 shouldn’t believe her unhappy daughter because she’s friends with another adult not directly involved in the situation?

But the way Friend 2 is acting does suggest that she doesn’t really understand what being inclusive, kind and tolerant to others actually looks like and so it’s not unbelievable that she would miss the same behaviours in her daughter.

You should talk to Friend 2 and explain no one thinks worse of her, hence you still going out of your way to include her, but that you will no longer be splitting the friendship group and suggest she reconciles with Friend 1.

JCLV · 20/02/2024 16:01

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 13:55

If it was me I would have kept quiet really. I don't really understand why she had to tell friend 2 at all

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Why should friend one keep quiet about her son being bullied. Sounds like you are pussyfooting around friend 2.

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

user1984778379202 · 20/02/2024 15:51

I find it baffling Friend 1 would want to continue a friendship with Friend 2 considering the bullying was so bad she felt forced to move schools. I wouldn't want my kid around their bully even in a social situation. I'd be stepping back from the group and forging new mum friendships at the new school.

I can see it from Friend 2's point of view. Her DC has swore blind it wasn't bullying and the old school/witnesses seem to back that. Friend 1 moving their DC makes Friend 2's DC look guilty.

I don't understand why you've said Friend 1 shouldn't have said anything, @StephPlum. Do you think the bullying accusations were false?

Edited

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

OP posts:

CommentNow · 20/02/2024 16:09

So friend 1s child was bullied enough to move school and is still prepared to he civil, but friend 2, whose child didnt have to go through that upheaval, is soooooo devastated she cant be in a room with friend 1...right. ok.

Well I'd be firmly with friend 1. She is less drama and therefore far far more likely to have been pragmatic even playing down the bullying compared to drama queen friend 2 who is clearly trying to manipulate you all into 1 to 1 meet ups so friend 1 eventually thinks, sod this, and friend 2 feds everyone to herself and doesnt need to even be civil. It's an obvious ploy and you would be a sucker to fall for it.

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 16:10

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

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Everything you write about Friend 2 just makes her sound increasingly awful

theilltemperedclavecinist · 20/02/2024 16:11

Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

And you really can't decide which of them to dump. Really????

ETA obviously just put F1 back on WhatsApp then invite everyone to everything.

CommentNow · 20/02/2024 16:12

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

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Yeah, maybe everyone should just stay quiet for convenience. Friend 1s daughter should have stayed quiet about being pushed out. It's a hame she didnt just carry on going to school, feeling victimised, and coming home with a smile so noone was inconvenienced.

Friend 2 is out of order. Pander if you want but one day it will bite you.

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 16:14

Yep, friend 1 should have kept her silly self quiet about her DC being bullied, in order to prevent the bully’s parent kicking off and causing issues in the group.

ClumsyNinja · 20/02/2024 16:15

I think this friendship group is toxic as you’re all wanting friend 1 to pretend nothing’s happened and grovel to friend 2 so that the rest of you can carry on partying as before.

Parents don’t move their kids to new school just for the fun of it. Their child must be really hurting.

If I was friend 1 and had had to move my child to a different school, of course I’d be raising it with friend 2 as the parent of one of the perpetrators. I’d do that even if I didn’t know the parent from Adam.

The fact that you want them both to pretend it’s no big deal and shouldn’t affect the adults, doesn't really surprise me though.

Friend 2 sounds a manipulative bitch to be honest.

PaminaMozart · 20/02/2024 16:16

obviously just put F1 back on WhatsApp then invite everyone to everything

Yes - and friend 2 can take it or leave it.

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:18

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 16:14

Yep, friend 1 should have kept her silly self quiet about her DC being bullied, in order to prevent the bully’s parent kicking off and causing issues in the group.

Oh it doesn't sound good put like that ...

It's helpful to see outside perspectives.

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Coyoacan · 20/02/2024 16:27

BranchGold · 20/02/2024 14:38

I’ll be truthful, I think friend 2 sounds quite emotionally manipulative. A lot of childhood bullying is centred around manipulation/pushing emotional boundaries.

This. The other thing is that it is not the end of the world to be told your child is a bully. Children are not born perfect and need guidance and I say that someone who was bullied remorselessly in secondary school. My dgd was also bullied for while, but I have always seen how easy it would be for her to fall into bullying if we didn't do our best to guide her.

As for friend 2, I'm in the camp of those who think she is a manipulative so-and-so

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 20/02/2024 16:28

You’ve VERY clearly taken sides, I’m shocked that you can’t see that.

Friend 2s child was involved in bullying serious enough that friend 1 moved her child which is not a light decision

“Friend 2 is finding things harder then friend 1”.
“Friend 1 has more friends”

“I think friend 1 should make more of an effort” why? Seriously. Friend 2 has called her child a liar, a tell tale and dismissed her.

Your dismissal of friend 1 and your desperate want to make friend 2 happy whilst shafting friend 1 is wholly unpleasant.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2024 16:30

Lemme get this straight, friend 2 is explosive, overbearing and lacks the ability to see things from others’ perspectives. Then turns victim when she’s told that her friend still wants to be her friend even thought her dc caused all manner of issues. And you’re still wondering if the bullying did or didn’t take place and who you should and shouldn’t stay friends with.

The answer is pretty clear to me. You’re being manipulated by friend 2 to drop friend 1.

Projectme · 20/02/2024 16:32

elizzza · 20/02/2024 14:18

Friend 2 is being ridiculous and you’re all pandering to her. If this is the example her child’s had I wouldn’t be surprised that the child was involved in bullying. I feel for Friend 1, but hopefully she finds some better friends for her kid and herself.

Yep this

HollyKnight · 20/02/2024 16:35

Friend 2's son was isolating Friend 1's son, but it sounds like Friend 2 doesn't think this is a form of bullying. It's a shame her friends seem to agree with her seeing as they are also happy to do it.

FilthyforFirth · 20/02/2024 16:39

Good lord what have I just read? Friend 2 is awful and you dont seem any better.

You have honestly, and repeatedly, said you think friend 1 should keep her childs bullying to herself, to not upset the bullies mother? The bullying was so bad the child moved schools in Y6?

I dread to think what sort of mother you are that you think this is ok. Say your child is bullied by friend 2? Will you tell them to keep it quiet so as to not upset your social group? Wtf?!

Trisolaris · 20/02/2024 16:42

Surely you invite both to group things and then catch up with friend 2 separately (as in individually) if you want to see her. She is encouraging you to exclude friend 1 which is exactly what her child is accused of!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 20/02/2024 16:44

Friend 2 seriously needs to grow up. She does not have to be besties with friend 1, but she should be able to be civil. Friend 1 has been mature and thoughtful (imagine if you all found out later that friend 1 knew friend 2's was involved but did not say anything - she would have been excoriated). FWIW I dont think I would want my kids around the child of a parent who behaves this way.

user1984778379202 · 20/02/2024 16:45

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:01

No I don't think they are false as such. I believe that friend 1 is convinced that her child was being bullied and I think her child was genuinely having a difficult time. I know from my own child as well as from friend 1 that her child was moved away from friend 2's and know from 1 and 2 that friend 2s child was spoken to about not leaving friends out etc.

I just know both friend 1 and friend 2 well, and it was always going to upset friend 2 to hear this about her child (she's quite overly attached as a parent, kids don't do sleepovers, they don't have babysitters etc). Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

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The last line of this is pretty damning. You all secretly think Friend 1 and her DC should've just tolerated her being picked on and excluded and said nothing rather than upset Friend 2. Would you do the same if it were your child being bullied by Friend 2's child? Are you intimidated by her?

MayThe4th · 20/02/2024 16:46

Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation and the victims of abuse should keep quiet to avoid making things worse for themselves? The child shouldn’t have spoken out I suppose?

do you always victim blame OP? Do you tell your children not to confide in anyone if they’re bullied and hold them responsible?

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:52

theilltemperedclavecinist · 20/02/2024 16:11

Friend 2 is no wall flower and quick to voice her opinion so If I was friend 1 I would just have kept quiet if I didn't want an explosive situation

And you really can't decide which of them to dump. Really????

ETA obviously just put F1 back on WhatsApp then invite everyone to everything.

Edited

F1 hasn't asked to be put back into the whatsapp

OP posts:

wronginalltherightways · 20/02/2024 16:53

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 16:14

Yep, friend 1 should have kept her silly self quiet about her DC being bullied, in order to prevent the bully’s parent kicking off and causing issues in the group.

I know, right?

sigh

OP, can you not see that by all appearances, you've sided with Friend 2?

I have been Friend 1, including the moving of my child to another primary school. It hurt like hell, and what hurt even more, was losing friends over it because no one wanted to rock the 'social circle' and found it easier to boot me. Like my child had been essentially booted.

Moving schools is a drastic last resort for most parents, including me, and probably including Friend 1. It's not done lightly or quickly or easily. Have a good hard look at how it looks to Friend 1 here....

BeachBeerBbq · 20/02/2024 16:55

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:52

F1 hasn't asked to be put back into the whatsapp

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I mean like... Yeah... Who would

Original poster

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 16:56

wronginalltherightways · 20/02/2024 16:53

I know, right?

sigh

OP, can you not see that by all appearances, you've sided with Friend 2?

I have been Friend 1, including the moving of my child to another primary school. It hurt like hell, and what hurt even more, was losing friends over it because no one wanted to rock the 'social circle' and found it easier to boot me. Like my child had been essentially booted.

Moving schools is a drastic last resort for most parents, including me, and probably including Friend 1. It's not done lightly or quickly or easily. Have a good hard look at how it looks to Friend 1 here....

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I'm so sorry that happened to you and your dc, truly.

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