How would you feel if your DP takes cocaine?

[serexcited]

If they do, how do you feel? If they don't, how do you think you would feel if they did?

My DP takes coke when he's on a night out / drinking alcohol. I've caught him a few times taking it even when sober. I knew this when I first met him, I didn't mind. A few months into the relationship it made me uncomfortable. Years later, we have a beautiful baby. I find it disgusting. I hate it so much. He says "all of my friends do it, everyone does it nowadays" which where I live is actually true. It makes me sad to be honest. He cannot go on a night out without it. We planned a very last minute outing on Saturday, as my mum offered to watch baby for the night. As soon as I said to him about a night out there he was on his phone texting to get coke. We've had so many arguments about this. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man that takes coke. I don't want my baby's father to take coke. I cannot control him . I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke. It's annoying me now.

when we come home after a night out he lays staring at the ceiling because the coke doesn't allow him to sleep. When the bag is coming to an end, he acts an animal and licks the bag inside out. I REFUSE to kiss him because he puts the coke around his gums and I can literally taste it.

I know this is partly my fault because I knew he took it when I got with him.

AIBU? should I just let him work away and pretend I don't know he has it. How would you feel?

This.

You actually had a baby with this asshole?

I live in London. Nobody in my social circle snorts cocaine.

Find yourself better friends and move to a different area.

Good, practical advice from @CantDealwithChristmas above.

It doesn't sound like he wants to stop OP.
You say that many others around you also take cocaine and are OK with it.
You have some decisions to make and more information on what you are facing and options for dealing with it would be helpful. I think you could do with some RL support and it might be good to talk to them, before you have "the conversation" with DP.

Mine doesn’t and hasn’t done it whilst we’ve been together, he hardly drinks but there’s no way I’d have someone like that round my kids, someone texting dealers, would be a no from me. He’d be out if it came to light he did do Coke.

I wouldn’t bother to give him an ultimatum, I’d have left him by now. Sounds like a complete loser.

There’s a big difference between taking Coke on a rare, special occasion vs taking it every time you go out

@Trulyme Yes, but I expect most addicts started off taking drugs on a rare, special occasion

OP, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs, on any level

Anyone who uses illegal substances whether that us weed, cocaine, heroin etc etc clearly have no moral compass..

They don't give two shits about child exploitation, child abuse, modern slavery, sexual abuse, violence, county lines....I could go on.

I could not associate with anyone who has such non existent morals, full stop.

I don't know anyone who even uses weed, let alone cocaine. Ergo, if DH was a cocaine user when I met him I would never have gone on to meet him a second time.

The fact that drug users are essentially happy to ignore the human misery that lies behind their desire to have fun is a complete turn off for me.

I'm an ex cocaine addict.

Coke users are the biggest wankers EVER. Why in earth did you ever think it was a good idea to enter into a relationship with a class A drug user? And to have a child with him? Regular users are, by their very nature, incredibly insecure people and as long as they are using cocaine regularly they will never ever ever put anything first.

To put this into context, I was a regular user ( an addict) for 3-4 years. I when I wasn't on coke, I was thinking about coke. It affects your uptake of dopamine and until you stop it and stay stopped you can't ever feel real and genuine happiness. Your life slowly fades into grey scale and nothing but the drug gives you any feeling of anything , other than misery. That's why he won't go out without it, because he's already totally reliant on it to make him feel anything close to happiness.

Stopping is hard. It's been 20+ years for me but I still have to look away from the tv screen if somebody is cutting up or snorting a line. My response lessens every year that goes by but my mouth still floods with saliva and my heart rate increases. I hate it but it is what it is and to stay clean I've had to go through years and years of therapy and do an awful lot of difficult work looking at myself. I've got old friends the same age as me who have lost their teeth, their families and homes, their jobs and STILL they do coke but now it's mixed in with alcohol abuse and whatever else they can do to get by. It's a terrible way to live. But they chose it as it's easier than doing all that introspective therapy and fighting to get better.

I can promise you that if you force him to choose between drugs and the baby then he will choose drugs. If he says it's the baby, he will do the drugs behind your back anyway. In your shoes I would be leaving and accepting that I made a really bad choice to get involved with a coke user and then go into therapy to understand why you set your bar so very low in terms of what you will accept as a life partner.

Your child is worth more than this man and the years of shit he could very likely end up putting you through.

Bye bye.

He'd never become my DP in the first place. I couldn't be with anyone who takes any kind of drug. I don't want anything to do with anyone who is part of the entire misery of drug dealing, money laundering, human trafficking, child labour abuse, or any other aspect of the drugs trade. If I did find out that a DP was into any kind of drugs after he'd hidden it from me at the start of the relationship - he'd be getting kicked into touch immediately.

Marriage over.

Cocaine is highly addictive and your DP is an addict.

A baby changes everything but your DP hasn't. I'd dump and run. It's not going to get better and he will be spending more and more on his habit.

Absolutely repulsed is how I'd feel. I couldn't possibly stay with someone who took drugs. I include drinking alcohol to excess. I feel sick just imagining it.

It’s very juvenile to say, but the absolute definition of a dickhead is someone who uses coke. There is no other word for them. I find it pathetic at any age but a grown adult doing it, it’s just revolting. He won’t change either OP. Losers never do.

I know people who do coke when they go out but they don’t act like dickheads like your husband does - they’re fairly normal.

I would never date someone who takes coke, I would certainly never have a child with someone who does coke. Oh and I would also get a new group of friends, who don't do coke

So to have a night out with you, hes got to have drugs to get through it. Charming. Get rid.

He wouldn't be my dp.

Lol? ANY user of ANY substance has NO moral compass?

Do you have diamond jewellery? Drink coffee? Eat meat? Caviar? Farmed fish? Do you eat chocolate? Wear leather? Fur? Wear most mass produced clothes? Do you do or enjoy anything that you aren't entirely 100% of the chain of creation and manufacturing all the way back to source? Be against drugs, that's your perogative. But to make such a sweeping statement regarding such a large range of substances which range from a plant grown in someone's living room to heroin where there is exploit pretty much from production all the way down to use, is, how do I put it, absolutely fucking ridiculous and illogical. I would love to see what you get up to behind closed doors, and have a root through your cupboards and wardrobe and your likes and interests to put you to rights about probably A LOT of the things you enjoy - and why exactly your moral compass is clearly non existent due to said things.

I'd feel like a divorce coming on.

The poster you quoted clearly said ILLEGAL substances, not ANY substance!!

Pre-children it wouldn’t have bothered me as a very occasional thing. I’d be hypocritical if I said otherwise as I experimented with various things throughout my 20s including Coke a handful of times.

However, now we have our kids to think about, I’d be furious. I haven’t touched anything dodgy since we decided to start a family and I’d expect the same from DH.

I had this dilemma and I gave him an ultimatum.

HE ENDED...

Things with me.

And if people think that his cokehead's wives weren't indulging despite having kids they're lying to themselves.

I'll never forget seeing a toddler locked out his own bedroom while his parents and their posh mates indulged. Grotesque.