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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DP takes cocaine?

261 replies

serexcited · 19/02/2024 16:20

If they do, how do you feel? If they don't, how do you think you would feel if they did?

My DP takes coke when he's on a night out / drinking alcohol. I've caught him a few times taking it even when sober. I knew this when I first met him, I didn't mind. A few months into the relationship it made me uncomfortable. Years later, we have a beautiful baby. I find it disgusting. I hate it so much. He says "all of my friends do it, everyone does it nowadays" which where I live is actually true. It makes me sad to be honest. He cannot go on a night out without it. We planned a very last minute outing on Saturday, as my mum offered to watch baby for the night. As soon as I said to him about a night out there he was on his phone texting to get coke. We've had so many arguments about this. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man that takes coke. I don't want my baby's father to take coke. I cannot control him . I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke. It's annoying me now.

when we come home after a night out he lays staring at the ceiling because the coke doesn't allow him to sleep. When the bag is coming to an end, he acts an animal and licks the bag inside out. I REFUSE to kiss him because he puts the coke around his gums and I can literally taste it.

I know this is partly my fault because I knew he took it when I got with him.

AIBU? should I just let him work away and pretend I don't know he has it. How would you feel?

OP posts:
Concestor · 19/02/2024 20:55

It would be an instant deal breaker for me. He'd be out.

You say" I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke.

But why are you giving him the choice and the power? Make your own decision and stop doing the pick me dance against drugs! You're worth more than that.

maybein2022 · 19/02/2024 21:00

Absolute hard no for me. I’d give one chance to get help and kick it and after that it would be divorce. I hate drugs with a passion.

CeriB82 · 19/02/2024 21:12

he’s a cunt OP. Is that the person you want to be with?

my DH would be out of the door.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/02/2024 21:22

I'd feel like getting divorced, frankly.

Lighteningstrikes · 19/02/2024 21:46

I would feel exactly the same as you @serexcited
The problem is our naivety in thinking because we grow up our partners automatically will too.

MariaLuna · 19/02/2024 21:47

he was on his phone texting to get coke

Next thing you know the police will be arresting him when they find his number on the dealers phone....

I've done the occassional line years and years ago. I didn't like the kind of people who were into it. They become totally self absorbed.

I did know some people who had success with acupuncture when they wanted to quit.

QueenBitch666 · 19/02/2024 22:03

I'd bin him so quick he wouldn't know what's hit him. Prioritise your poor child

Noseybookworm · 19/02/2024 23:44

I wouldn't tolerate it but then I wouldn't have got together with someone who does coke in the first place. In my experience people on coke are annoying - talking crap and acting like idiots. It doesn't sound like purely recreational and he can take it or leave it - he is heading for serious addiction problems.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2024 07:33

Maddy70 · 19/02/2024 17:00

Where do you live that they dont?
I live in a very naiiice area. Almost everyone i know takes coke from time to time

Show quote history

None of my close friends and family take illegal drugs. We talk about it. I have no idea if random strangers in the pub indulge.

Why do some posters persist in believing that everyone does it? Because they don't.

One of DD's workmates and her friends indulge in coke, and on a night out DD said that everyone got really boring once they had, so she went home.

FrenchandSaunders · 20/02/2024 07:38

I bet it’s a shit night out for you. Boring the arse off you with his drugged up chatter.

TattedBarley · 20/02/2024 07:49

That ultimatum needs to come now. It really is down to coke or the baby. I’m not sure if he’ll make the choice you want him to at this stage though. You cannot allow this to continue with your head buried in the sand, because it will only get worse.
I used to be a coke user. I had a really bad problem with it. I was introduced to it as a teen by older work colleagues, then it progressed to ,like your DP, I couldn’t go on a night out without it. Then I started doing it without alcohol, even if no one else was. Then I started doing it alone at home on a Wednesday afternoon because I couldn’t stop. I hated it. Cocaine turned me into a horrible, lying, selfish, self centred arsehole. It cost me jobs, my mental health, relationships, friends and almost my family, not to mention the money and years I pissed away doing it. I’m clean and sober now and have been since I fell pregnant with my DD because I chose to grow up. She’s 19 months now and we have the most beautiful life together. Without her dad, who undoubtedly still takes coke.

CroftonWillow · 20/02/2024 07:53

Regular use is an absolute no-no. Occasional use purely socially (maybe a few times a year) would be acceptable.

FilthyforFirth · 20/02/2024 08:23

RampantIvy · 20/02/2024 07:33

None of my close friends and family take illegal drugs. We talk about it. I have no idea if random strangers in the pub indulge.

Why do some posters persist in believing that everyone does it? Because they don't.

One of DD's workmates and her friends indulge in coke, and on a night out DD said that everyone got really boring once they had, so she went home.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this. I lived in London for a decade after uni. I never took drugs and neither did my friends. Yes we talked about it.

People tend to form circles that reflect their own behaviour, so I dont know why some posters are struggling to understand yes there will be people who dont do drugs and neither do their friends. I'm not naive.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2024 08:28

People tend to form circles that reflect their own behaviour, so I dont know why some posters are struggling to understand yes there will be people who dont do drugs and neither do their friends. I'm not naive.

Well said @FilthyforFirth

newnamethanks · 20/02/2024 08:28

He's an addict. Leave him, it won't get better but progress over the years. As you have noticed.

LadyShimura · 20/02/2024 08:29

Massive dealbreaker for me.

WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 08:43

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 19/02/2024 16:21

He wouldn't be my partner anymore, simple as that. I don't tolerate drug taking and I certainly don't tolerate it from a parent.

But I am always surprised when people know their boyfriend takes drugs and are surprised that they don't suddenly stop now that there's a child involved.

All of this

You knew!

Peacelily001 · 20/02/2024 08:46

I know a woman with young kids who’s husband died of a heart attack in his 40s from cocaine use.
When I did a CPR course last year, the paramedic who was teaching us said that this was becoming more common in young/er men.
Something your husband may want to reflect on OP.

Beezknees · 20/02/2024 08:48

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of going out with someone who does cocaine.

Whatafustercluck · 20/02/2024 08:55

I was no angel before having children. I've tried coke, taken mdma on nights out, smoked cannabis on a fairly regular basis for a few years. But grew up when I met dh, settled down and had children. People who still do these things when they have a family have gone beyond the experimental stage and most likely have a level of dependency. And to be absolutely clear, the same applies to excess alcohol and men pissing in wardrobes etc when extremely drunk. It's massively off putting.

zingally · 20/02/2024 10:29

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I've always had strong views on drugs, which fortunately my DH shares.

Unfortunately for you OP, you knew this about him early on, and still proceeded with the relationship AND had a child with him. You've rather missed the boat to get up in arms about it now.

CantDealwithChristmas · 20/02/2024 10:51

Hi OP

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though there are other issues with your DP's behaviour above and beyond the coke use, from what you said upthread. I think I can make an educated guess as to what those behaviours might be.

As a recovered addict 10 years clean, I can honestly say that cokeheads are the second worst addicts to deal with after spiceheads. As a sponsor in NA I would much rather work with someone who smokes heroin than someone who snorts coke. Heroin users are much more reasonable, empathetic, recovery motivated. Because coke is acceptable amongst upper strata of society, and is seen in glamorous circles, I think many are in denial as to how much it warps a person's personality, sense of responsibility, kindness, rationality and empathy. It's a horrible drug.

I think you need to decide where your boundaries are and then take action to put them into practice. That means making changes to your life, as you can't control his. It could be anything from ending the relationship to refusing to speak to him or be with him when he's high. Only you can decide where your boundaries are. But there's no point demanding that he change his behaviour. He will only change when / if he wants to. YOU are the one that will have to make changes to give yourself and your child the happy, safe and fulfilling life you both deserve.

I would suggest you consider attending a Nar-Anon meeting. Nar-Anon is for family and loved ones of drug addicts. It's not about getting the addict to stop, it's abvout meeting other people in the same boat, drawing strength from them and learning how to put in place healthy boundaries for yourself.

You can enter your postcode to find meetings near you on this website: https://www.nar-anon.co.uk/

I wish you nothing but the very best.

TwylaSands · 20/02/2024 10:55

zingally · 20/02/2024 10:29

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I've always had strong views on drugs, which fortunately my DH shares.

Unfortunately for you OP, you knew this about him early on, and still proceeded with the relationship AND had a child with him. You've rather missed the boat to get up in arms about it now.

no she hadnt. She can absolutely say enough is enough at any point.

Also, consent isnt lifelong.

PoliteTurtle · 20/02/2024 10:57

Absolutely not…

Bobbytazer · 20/02/2024 11:03

Going against the Mumsnet hivemind I really wouldn't mind if it was social, sparse, and he could easily go without and not thinking about it. If it was every week with a baby I wouldn't be happy because sounds like priorities are mislaid. But a couple times a month I wouldn't have a problem with. As long as he was available when I needed him, wasn't spending money we don't have, and didn't look vile on it (some people look hideous when they've taken something as they're all bug eyed and don't handle it as well as others), I'd be okay. It's better than him being pissed if an emergency happens.