Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

In my experience:

1. Ceremony
2. Reception (this is the lunch/dinner, traditionally sometimes called a breakfast, but is never really in the morning)
3. Evening do - usually a disco and cash bar, sometimes has a buffet

People are talking about being invited to the evening do ie the disco, but not the ceremony or the reception/dinner.

You are right that anyone can go to a church and I have also been invited as a local guest to the church ceremony and then the evening doo, so bypassing the food. I had no problem with this as the person was an acquaintance and not a friend and I lived locally.

Are you not from the UK or have you just never been to a wedding?

Where I live now, it's different but similar in that they have an aperitif after the ceremony to which colleagues and acquaintances are invited, then only some of the people invited to the drink stay for the food/reception.

Use baby as excuse: I wouldn't go to either. Save your money

I have read people on here being invited to the ceremony and then the evening do - no meal! Which obviously is incredibly rude.
That happened to me once. I was young and they were one of the first friends to get married. It struck me as odd to invite people to travel many hours and then kill time between the ceremony and evening do. I wonder if a relative gave them a nudge because they updated the invites so that everyone travelling was a full day guest.

Simplelobsterhat
I think some people's objections to them is that it can get into friend ranking.
So whilst it makes sense that someone might invite the football team/friends from choir/colleagues as a social group to the evening do (Vs to the whole day thing with the almost expected plus one), when people start splitting people within a friendship group into day/evening it can make the relationship awkward.
It's also an issue I think when the couple choose a venue that requires a lot of travel, has limited accomodation options and so will cost people quite a lot to attend.

Most weddings I've been to have been smaller overall with everyone doing the whole day, but then most weddings I've been to haven't been the hotel/country house type venue.

@Gwenhwyfar to be fair to @Nanaof1 i have been to many weddings in the UK (I'm mid 30s so a LOT especially in the last 5 years and I have 2 more this year) and not a single one had an "evening do" invite only. Not a single one. I have only ever seen this on mumsnet.

I've been to many weddings (I'm old!) and those of work colleagues has generally been an evening do invitation only. All were local(ish) and I was very happy to accept them. Not insulted at all.

Were they mainly well off people? It could be that they could afford to pay for the reception for everyone.

I have only been to one British-style wedding (it was in Ireland, but half the family being English) where all 70 people were invited to everything, but that's not the norm imo.

Or actually is the no separate evening guests thing a new development? Because I'm quite a bit older than you and been going to weddings since the 80s, but you have been to more in the last few years.

Can you get your money back on the hens?
Are you looking forward to either the hens or evening celebration? If you will enjoy them, go.
Say NO to any jobs.

@Gwenhwyfar there was no separate event at the weddings I've been. The dinner sort of continues into the dancing and drinking, the tables get moved away. I'd honestly be gutted if I ever got invited only to that part. The friends who couldn't afford a big wedding either did a barbecue in he back garden or a barn type wedding. DH and I only had a registry wedding with a nice dinner after with about 20 people because we couldn't afford a wedding. I'd say my friendship group is mixed but yes, the people having the big white traditional wedding were all well off.

"I'd honestly be gutted if I ever got invited only to that part. "

It's really OK if they are casual friends or acquaintance and it's local.

I wouldn't travel just for the evening do.

I have been invited to one that was far away, but I think the invitation was mainly out of politeness (extended family) and I wasn't expected to turn up.

I do understand part of people's upset is the 2 tier thing, but I suppose I don't expect to be in everyone's top tier and am happy I get to celebrate with them at all, and for an excuse to catch up with people and have a dance! I'd rather that then nothing really (and sometimes if it's a local wedding, just the evening can be more convenient for work or childcare purposes!)

Like you we only had 20 to our wedding ceremony and sit down meal, but we had 70ish for an evening do afterwards. Why is inviting them to that bit somehow worse, ruder or more '2 tier' than not inviting them to anything at all? I wasn't offended if they didn't come but they got the option to celebrate with us (and a buffet, welcome drink, piece of wedding cake and what most people seemed to find a fun night of dancing). We probably offended someone, but no one let on they minded, and a few people who would have needed to travel understandably didn't come (but others did, and used the weekend to catch up with family or friends or see the area). However, as I said up thread we managed expectations from the start! And evening dos seem quite normal amongst people I know.

Actually, with people I know it's not only been people with evening dos where there have been two tiers. .. I've been to two ceremonies for very religious people who naturally wanted that part to be the main focus, and had lots of people to invite to church, where there was a reception in church hall afterwards (buffet for one, I think just cake and drinks the other) and then just a smaller group went off for an evening meal later. Again was in the second tier for both but was glad I'd been invited.

There’s no way I would just turn up to the evening do, as for me it’s not really a wedding at this point, but a celebratory party

My favourite part of any wedding is the ceremony itself, especially if in church. I would be quite happy to just do that and swerve all the rest of it to be honest.

I wouldn’t be inviting people to the whole thing purely on the basis of how far they have to travel to get there. Not sure if that’s how you meant this, but it’s kind of how it was worded. I’d be inviting the people I want to be there because I want them to be there, no other reason. I wouldn’t be bothered about being invited to the hen do but not the day part of the wedding. You’re free to attend either/both or decline either/both invites, so don’t see why it matters really. Charge her for the signs if you want to. The problem here is not the expense or distance, it’s the fact that you’re offended that you didn’t make the list of people who had day invites, when you assumed you would do because of how you believed your relationship was with the bride, and that’s totally valid. Unfortunately it looks like you think more of your friendship with her than she does

YANBU.
Weddings are just so over the top now. I would decline full stop.

i was invited to a hen do really and she wrote on the invite she would love it if we all bought her a drink and she didn’t even invite me to the wedding or evening. Similarly my husband was invited to go abroad to a stag do which would have been nearly £1k, and didn’t get an invite to the wedding or evening!

Thank you for explaining it to me, even though it was a bit condescending.
I'm from across the pond and in my area, no one has had a wedding like that. I'm sure some have, but not anyone I know.

The ones I have been to have basically just had:
Ceremony

Pictures
(sometimes a few hours break between ceremony and reception so that the bride, groom and bridal party can get pictures done)

Reception (rarely the same place as the ceremony), which includes the dancing after the meal, cutting the cake, etc.
Haven't heard of one where there is a separate buffet later in the evening, though I can see the benefit to that, after the drinking, dancing, visiting, etc.

Edited to add: In the weddings I have been to over the years, the tables at the dinner part are where everyone sits for the entertainment part of the reception. It is set up so that there is a "dance floor" area, so a bunch of people coming after the dinner would have trouble finding a place to sit.

I think you're being a bit dramatic tbh. Why do people make so much drama about weddings? People get themselves tied on knots organising them. Cut her some slack. If she invited you to hen do and evening and you want to go then go. Presumably you'd not have managed to attend daytime anyway if you're working and kids aren't allowed. Weddings are such a chore to attend anyway. Did you check if she still expects you to make signs after she cancelled coming upto you?

Yeh I actually have no idea why people bother with an evening do just causes offence. One day everyone included who should be job done.

"Pictures
(sometimes a few hours break between ceremony and reception so that the bride, groom and bridal party can get pictures done)"

Yes, I think this is the case for some British weddings too and it's quite rude to keep people not in the bridal party hanging around for too long.
I've heard some Irish people say the photos were even in a separate place so the bridal party would go off to castle or something for hours while the other guests are somewhere else having a cocktail and just waiting to be able to eat.
Ideally, photos should be done quite quickly imo.

I don't think I was condescending. I was genuinely curious why you'd never heard of an evening do, but then there have been others saying they've only ever heard of them on MN so maybe they're going out of fashion.

Often venues have different capacities for sitting vs standing guests. We filled our venue’s max capacity for a sit-down meal with just family and a handful of our closest friends. They wouldn’t have physically been able to fit any more tables in for people to eat at. For the evening do we had an extra 30+ people who we wanted to share the day with but couldn’t fit in for the breakfast e.g. a few workmates, neighbours etc. There was no drama, even though a few of them had to travel to be there, as they were happy to basically just join a party. I don’t really get why people have such an issue with which part of a wedding they’re invited to. I think it’s mainly people who have not had to plan their own wedding before and don’t understand the nuances/restrictions. I couldn’t care less what I’m invited to. I’d be honoured to make the list at all. If I want to go, I’ll go. If I don’t, I won’t. Pretty straightforward

Sneak off? How is spending the whole day at a wedding then leaving to collect your young baby from friends at 8pm sneaking off?

If you really wanted to share the day with them why didn’t you pay for a venue that accommodated them?

For cost reasons? Wedding venues can be pretty expensive.

I think it's a good compromise to invite more people to an evening do after the reception.

Because weddings are expensive and I didn’t have a spare £6k going to accommodate the extra 30 for the entire day. Nor would I want to, when they’re not as close to us as the family & friends who were there for the full day. And there was no drama. Nobody complained about which part of the event they were invited to and nobody was forced to attend if they didn’t want to

Agreed. Assuming it isn't somewhere really obscure I have no issues with being invited to an evening do.

It’s quite common to have evening guests only - after the ceremony and main dinner. An example would be where your venue may allow 80 guests to sit down for the ceremony, and then in the evening you might be able to invite another 50. At our wedding, “evening only” guest list was mainly made up of friends of our parents who really loved being invited to the party and I loved inviting them but not taking up one of the limited places for the whole day. Also some new work colleagues who I had only worked with for a year and made friends with - but now really good friends still so very worth inviting! Some extended family who I’m not that close to (hadn’t even met my DH) but it was nice to extend an invite. Old school friends who invited me to their evening do ( and I gladly went). It’s usually still a nice party with the first dance being reserved until the evening guests arrive and an evening buffet of some kind. Maybe a live band. Also there is usually enough wedding cake for evening guests too :)

yeah the "evening invite" came about because you could have a reception where they can seat (say) 80 for a sit down meal, but 120 for a buffet/dance in the same room.

Its not that you are not important enough for full day invitation but (certainly when ex and I got married) by the time we had seated the wedding party, their spouses and children and then our families, there weren;t many seats left.

Personally I prefer an evening invitation, you get to skip the boring bits, most of which is hanging around while the photos are taken, and go straight to the partying!