Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

508 replies

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

OP posts:
Imisssleep2 · 22/02/2024 14:07

Like you say too far to travel for a few hours and juggle with work. I would decline the invite and as you have already committed to the signs etc tell them then have to come collect them as you can't attend the wedding now.

I assume they invited as many people on the hen as poss to spread costs maybe....

I wouldnt dream of having someone spend £200 on my hen then not invited to the wedding all day. I had 9 ladies on my hen and all including partners was invited to my wedding all day, 80 day guests 120 evening guests.

StarvingMarvin222 · 22/02/2024 14:17

Some people are just CFS .
I wouldn't do the signs, cancel going the hens.
And wait for the full invite when people start dropping out.

Book a nice night away somewhere and be glad you've seen the real her.

Elphamouche · 22/02/2024 14:18

No issue at all in my book.

I’ve been to plenty of hen dos and only the evening of the wedding. DH has been on plenty of stags and only the evening of weddings. My parents have done the same. I really don’t get the big drama.

Either go or don’t, but it’s not weird.

JoanThursday1972 · 22/02/2024 14:21

Goodness she is taking the mickey, isn't she?

Hellsmells · 22/02/2024 14:42

@SantasComingToTown Have all other family members apart from you and your dh been invited?

Cosyblankets · 22/02/2024 14:44

PloddingAlong21 · 22/02/2024 13:06

I’ve been to hen do’s and only been an evening guest. From memory I may have had a couple at my own too. I don’t think it’s that uncommon these days.

However the signage situation is bizarre as suggests they’re very close. You’d at least expect the friend to explain if there are numbers issues and why, not gloss over it with an invite.

Show quote history

I have also been to hen dos and only to an evening but in this scenario i would expect an invitation to the whole day

Thatmoaningmum · 22/02/2024 15:09

Please please update asap I’m invested.
also , no YA100%NBU

DillDanding · 22/02/2024 15:11

I’d never go to an evening only do. It’s a bit insulting really.

And I’d happily duck out of the hen party as you’re not good enough for the wedding.

StartedWithACrisp · 22/02/2024 15:30

I understand how you feel OP.

One thing I would consider about weddings generally, is that these days a lot of couples do invite majority of their friends to evening only.

This is because family tends to take up a lot of spaces and is usually placed as priority for the day. The wedding industry has become a total rip off which should be fixed, and I would still consider 80 people a small wedding with a large price per head, given that is effectively 40 people on each side.

Also peoples friends tend to enjoy the evening reception part the most, if you are really honest, most friends invited to the full day are just politely interested in the waiting around for the wedding & vows part, before they really get into the evening reception. Family, especially older members tend to head home or sit down more for the evening reception while friends make the most of it and the evening tab/meal.

However, regardless of if I was friend or family, any wedding outside my hometown that required more than an hour drive/ or me having to get a hotel, would be declined for an evening only invite. It is way too much hassle not to be at the full day party.

In your case OP this person has clearly taken the piss though. Imagine making free signs for a wedding you aren't even at!

T1Dmama · 22/02/2024 15:48

You’re a better person than most @SantasComingToTown, In your position I don’t think the bride would ever see or hear from me again. Her calls would be declined!

T1Dmama · 22/02/2024 15:51

StartedWithACrisp · 22/02/2024 15:30

I understand how you feel OP.

One thing I would consider about weddings generally, is that these days a lot of couples do invite majority of their friends to evening only.

This is because family tends to take up a lot of spaces and is usually placed as priority for the day. The wedding industry has become a total rip off which should be fixed, and I would still consider 80 people a small wedding with a large price per head, given that is effectively 40 people on each side.

Also peoples friends tend to enjoy the evening reception part the most, if you are really honest, most friends invited to the full day are just politely interested in the waiting around for the wedding & vows part, before they really get into the evening reception. Family, especially older members tend to head home or sit down more for the evening reception while friends make the most of it and the evening tab/meal.

However, regardless of if I was friend or family, any wedding outside my hometown that required more than an hour drive/ or me having to get a hotel, would be declined for an evening only invite. It is way too much hassle not to be at the full day party.

In your case OP this person has clearly taken the piss though. Imagine making free signs for a wedding you aren't even at!

IP’s husband is the brides cousin! Have you even read the thread?! THEY ARE FAMILY

Ohanotherflippingcold · 22/02/2024 16:10

Weddings ! They cause so many problems, stress, and financial waste for one day, you have to wonder why we have them. Marriage fair enough, but just make an appointment with a solicitor and legally ' join lives'.

You indicate that this person is ' family' on DH' side, yet you haven't made the list for that, or sneaked into the couples top 60 friends by the sound of it. So annoying then, that a decline and walk away from everything might cause a ' family issue'.

The response posted earlier with a suggested RSVP was great...declining both hen do and evening do, but in a chirpy , matter of fact manner.

It's been discussed on here before, but there is no obligation to provide a gift for a wedding you are not going to. If this is questioned at any stage, you can do a puzzled look and say ' but we were not part of the wedding?' .

SirenSays · 22/02/2024 16:15

I'd think it was bloody cheeky to ask to make things for the wedding and not give an invite. But I'd also be quite relieved because the actual wedding is so boring.

bakingmummy21 · 22/02/2024 16:28

I once got invited to a hen of a uni friend together with a group of mutual friends. Turns out I was then the only one not invited to the wedding. Felt like the hen invite was a pity invite. Luckily it clashed with DH’s 30th birthday so I just declined but I wouldn’t have gone anyway as it would have been awkward.

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 16:31

SantasComingToTown · 21/02/2024 19:27

In regards to what I am going to do….the plot has thickened ever so slightly!!! (Understatement)

Over the last couple of days, I had decided that despite how upset and annoyed I was, I will still go the hen do as actually I really do love everyone who is going, and I know I will still have a fantastic time, albeit bitter sweet as I won’t be celebrating the wedding with them. Although I would probably be within my rights to, I don’t want to cause a scene and add to the brides stress despite her causing it herself as I don’t want to sour the relationship with any other family members - and anyway Grandma I know has caused some trouble the last couple of days 😂so I think that’s probably enough for the bride and the rest of the family to deal with!! I think I’m just going to use it as a way to show I am the bigger person and a lesson learnt! In the future I will be alot more cautious when choosing to accept hen do invitiations and will definitely step back from my relationship with the bride after the event as I’m obviously not needed as much as she made out all these years!

That being said, the bride has been chasing for a response to the wedding invitation she sent. We went to decline the evening invite late last night (online rsvp system) once baby had finally settled and when we clicked on RSVP it said please respond by 10th February….

We only got the email invite last week! So either she forgot to send it to us originally OR we weren’t even first choice to the reception and as other people had declined she added us in there place! Either way it just adds insult to injury!!

Cant wait to call Grandma tomorrow on my day off and tell her about that. MIL is away at the minute so we haven’t found out when they received their invites yet, but will be very interested to know!!

It's utter madness to go. It would just show your self-esteem is very low and you're happy to be a doormat.

Bet you're going to take the signs along too Hmm

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 16:31

StartedWithACrisp · 22/02/2024 15:30

I understand how you feel OP.

One thing I would consider about weddings generally, is that these days a lot of couples do invite majority of their friends to evening only.

This is because family tends to take up a lot of spaces and is usually placed as priority for the day. The wedding industry has become a total rip off which should be fixed, and I would still consider 80 people a small wedding with a large price per head, given that is effectively 40 people on each side.

Also peoples friends tend to enjoy the evening reception part the most, if you are really honest, most friends invited to the full day are just politely interested in the waiting around for the wedding & vows part, before they really get into the evening reception. Family, especially older members tend to head home or sit down more for the evening reception while friends make the most of it and the evening tab/meal.

However, regardless of if I was friend or family, any wedding outside my hometown that required more than an hour drive/ or me having to get a hotel, would be declined for an evening only invite. It is way too much hassle not to be at the full day party.

In your case OP this person has clearly taken the piss though. Imagine making free signs for a wedding you aren't even at!

They are family, OP's husband is the bride's first cousin!

mickey54 · 22/02/2024 16:35

A

Ariona · 22/02/2024 17:00

*It's utter madness to go. It would just show your self-esteem is very low and you're happy to be a doormat.

Bet you're going to take the signs along too *

I thought this too. You aren't showing that you're the bigger person, just confirming to her that you're a mug. After this when you think you have 'distanced' yourself do you really think she would care? She's got what she needed out of you and you went running too. Really can't believe you are still going op.

Ulysees · 22/02/2024 17:05

ScruffMuffin · 21/02/2024 20:00

Her behaviour just gets worse!

I'd be very tempted to make her some Special Signs.

🤣 Let's think one up

Ulysees · 22/02/2024 17:07

Send this

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding
Ulysees · 22/02/2024 17:12

This one 🤣

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding
BadSkiingMum · 22/02/2024 18:01

Has anyone else got a really strong urge to get a cricut machine now? 😀
I've been watching videos of them when I really need to be getting on with some work!

I think you've done the right thing - it will be for her to navigate this at the hen do and afterwards.

PS. There was a legendary series of threads a few years back where a Mumsnetter was asked to help setup a friend's wedding - using her professional skillset - but not even graced with an invite.

MelCakey · 22/02/2024 18:01

Personally, I think your friend is being unreasonable. She's had you helping prepare for her wedding and wants you to fork out 200 quid on her hen do BUT no invite to the wedding ..?
Imo that is just plain Rude.

MelCakey · 22/02/2024 18:06

Wait... What ..? The bride is your cousin? Family who is not invited to the wedding..? Good grief! I'm outraged for you.

BusyMummy001 · 22/02/2024 18:10

Cosyblankets · 22/02/2024 14:44

I have also been to hen dos and only to an evening but in this scenario i would expect an invitation to the whole day

Show quote history

I would too. Mainly because of the distance needed to travel to get there and have had to arrange childcare - you invite local friends for whom it is no hassle or cost to dress up and come along.